...of bringing up the same topics over and over.
So I won't write a depressing year-end blog. I won't bring up all of the worldwide famine, war and the natural disasters that have taken hundreds of thousands of lives this year. Nor will I make further mention about how morally destitute our society is today, as we will likely forget many of these events, but yet we'll remember stuff like Usher's "Yea" and "Confessions" dropping this year alongside Paris Hilton's porno.
In the spirit of the upcoming New Year, let me change the pace a little bit and ask a simple question: "Does anybody have an afro-wig I can borrow for tonight's party?" I've never done a 70s disco-theme party, nevermind with a bunch of people who were actually alive in the 70s!! I'm wearing one of my dad's old shirts. I truly am my father's son. He was skinnier then I am at my age, so it won't be as loose as it should be. I'll just say this is my shirt with a "70s appeal, but a Gen-Y feel."
I've got no resolutions for the whole of 2005.
-I want to start having more fun outside of the regular venues. Going out and having fun mainly means, wing-night, movies, or clubbing. I can't eat wings like I used to, and I tire of clubbing (although VIP treatment at Ménage last night was simply AWEsome). Truth be told tho, I'll probably do all of these more then once this year.
-I also want to do less drinking-to-have-fun. Clubbing is so boring most times, I've become a clubbing-alcoholic, I like NEED to have a drink when I'm in one. I guess that resolution ties in with the one about finding new places to have fun.
-I want to go somewhere FAR with friends this year. Every year i'm supposed to, but don't. This is an applicable resolution, because it's going to take a big portion of a year to come up with the disposable funds, but i'm doing it. Management ppl, we are going to CUBA May 1st!!
Sadly, this resolution will most definitely have to stand in opposition to my first 2. Cuba was created for drinking and clubbing.
-Maybe start writing this year, or at least get back into doing more reading. I wasted this break and read NO Nietzsche as I planned. I jacked some books from the net tho, I'ma read them, still!
-That's it I guess, no funny or conclusive ending. Happy New Years Everyone!
Old Habits Die Hard
Harder still when you don't want them to die. And so, I actually do have one thought of introspection to get off my chest. It's a quick one though. I think that if I'm ever to become a philosopher, I'm going to have to learn to take a stand. Standing in firm belief that "everything is relative" is not firm enough -although, I maintain that everything is relative. Laying the foundation for either my career in economics, or my career in philosophy, or in my family persuits, like any foundation, will have to start with a firm base. So when I'm writing my thesis for Econ, I'm gonna have to answer that rhetorical but fundamental question, "Is capitalism bad?" And when people ask me "What sort of philosophy interests you," i'm going to have to come up with an answer, especially when my director of studies finally asks me. And when my child asks me a direct and innocent quesiton about reality-at-large, like "What is God?" or "Why do we live?" I'm going to have to be able to tell him (or her) something. "It depends" is almost always correct, but almost never satisfactory, and being right doesn't always get you the grades or pay the bills, so this year I've got to get some satisfaction.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Merry Christmas
I must say that my last post shows me to be somewhat self-absorbed. Surely many people I know are going through bigger hardships then mine. Lacking friends who would absorb themselves in my life isn't the greatest of sorrows. However, I spoke of a problem that I felt needed to be addressed, so I'll leave it at that.
At Midnight Mass this year for Christmas Eve the pastor made mention of a growing phenomenon. People are so easily moved to accept the word of literature or entertainment shows - which are generally inaccurate - as the truth, whereas a book such as the bible is met with such resistance. The probable reason for this is the fact that there is so much stimga against the different religions which follow the testiments. This, compounded with the amount of logical contradictions or statments in the bible which are to be accepted as facts, and aren't accompanied by any deductive proof makes being religious a true test of faith. I mean c'mon, witness testimony these days is considered circumstantial evidence at best; the fact that there were at least 12 eye-witnesses to the life of Jesus seems to not hold up in court anymore, as it were. In any case, this phenomenon got me thinking about something else during the sermon.
Our generation is far too judgmental, in two senses. Firstly, in the sense that we simply pass judgment too much on such things as religion. I mean, for those who feel they are beyond the need or scope of faith, to them I say let those who don't feel the same way have their faith! It's like a grown adult, who long ago lost all desire to suck on a lolly, and now refuses to let a child enjoy the lolly, for no other reason than the adult now knows that a person can get by without it. Back when he was a child, he probably felt he couldn't live without it, but now he 'knows better.' But why refuse the child the lolly, i ask? It makes the child happy, and in the long run it hardly hurts the child. Not at all actually, in fact by allowing the child to enjoy life's pleasures through the lolly, you allow the child to live a fuller and richer life.
As a disclaimer, I'd like to point out that I don't see those in need of faith as immature or 'child-like', which my pervious analogy would implicate. In fact I feel we all unarguably have and need faith in something - as our pastor noted during the sermon as well, coincidentally - however I think that is the general feeling of those faith-smashers that I describe.
Secondly, we're too judgemental in the sense that we're unworthy to pass judgment on any religion, and yet we do. First of all, we know nothing about the religions we bash and yet we do, based on our limited knowledge of them. Maybe we've seen a temple, or attended a sermon at church or watched a biased documentary, or something else vague and unsubstantial. But many of us stand in contention to religions that we know nothing about. I say arguing about religion should be left to theologians, or at least the extremely well versed in the subject of religion. Even those who are extremely faithful fall victim to being unwarranted in their dismissal of other religions. I find virtue in the accpetance of unfmailiar religions. I think if you are not tolerant of other established belife systems a hipocracy in your own belief arises, as you fall victim to the following trap created in a popular quote:
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours
-I've seen this quote accredited to two different people, so for copyright purposes I'll simply say that it wasn't me!
In any case, the meat of my monologue is that if people understand the error of being so judgmental then the human community would benefit. In the first sense that I pointed out, I think that if people understand that people need faith, this will lead to religious tolerance, because those who are without faith will be able to at least accept that there are those who need to be with it. In the second sense, I think that if people understand that whether you believe in it or not, the notion of God and the belief in one is far more grand then we it credit, then this will lead to more then just religious tolerance, but rather religious acceptance. This will hopefully have the subsequent effect of civility between belief-groups, where there currently is not.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
At Midnight Mass this year for Christmas Eve the pastor made mention of a growing phenomenon. People are so easily moved to accept the word of literature or entertainment shows - which are generally inaccurate - as the truth, whereas a book such as the bible is met with such resistance. The probable reason for this is the fact that there is so much stimga against the different religions which follow the testiments. This, compounded with the amount of logical contradictions or statments in the bible which are to be accepted as facts, and aren't accompanied by any deductive proof makes being religious a true test of faith. I mean c'mon, witness testimony these days is considered circumstantial evidence at best; the fact that there were at least 12 eye-witnesses to the life of Jesus seems to not hold up in court anymore, as it were. In any case, this phenomenon got me thinking about something else during the sermon.
Our generation is far too judgmental, in two senses. Firstly, in the sense that we simply pass judgment too much on such things as religion. I mean, for those who feel they are beyond the need or scope of faith, to them I say let those who don't feel the same way have their faith! It's like a grown adult, who long ago lost all desire to suck on a lolly, and now refuses to let a child enjoy the lolly, for no other reason than the adult now knows that a person can get by without it. Back when he was a child, he probably felt he couldn't live without it, but now he 'knows better.' But why refuse the child the lolly, i ask? It makes the child happy, and in the long run it hardly hurts the child. Not at all actually, in fact by allowing the child to enjoy life's pleasures through the lolly, you allow the child to live a fuller and richer life.
As a disclaimer, I'd like to point out that I don't see those in need of faith as immature or 'child-like', which my pervious analogy would implicate. In fact I feel we all unarguably have and need faith in something - as our pastor noted during the sermon as well, coincidentally - however I think that is the general feeling of those faith-smashers that I describe.
Secondly, we're too judgemental in the sense that we're unworthy to pass judgment on any religion, and yet we do. First of all, we know nothing about the religions we bash and yet we do, based on our limited knowledge of them. Maybe we've seen a temple, or attended a sermon at church or watched a biased documentary, or something else vague and unsubstantial. But many of us stand in contention to religions that we know nothing about. I say arguing about religion should be left to theologians, or at least the extremely well versed in the subject of religion. Even those who are extremely faithful fall victim to being unwarranted in their dismissal of other religions. I find virtue in the accpetance of unfmailiar religions. I think if you are not tolerant of other established belife systems a hipocracy in your own belief arises, as you fall victim to the following trap created in a popular quote:
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours
-I've seen this quote accredited to two different people, so for copyright purposes I'll simply say that it wasn't me!
In any case, the meat of my monologue is that if people understand the error of being so judgmental then the human community would benefit. In the first sense that I pointed out, I think that if people understand that people need faith, this will lead to religious tolerance, because those who are without faith will be able to at least accept that there are those who need to be with it. In the second sense, I think that if people understand that whether you believe in it or not, the notion of God and the belief in one is far more grand then we it credit, then this will lead to more then just religious tolerance, but rather religious acceptance. This will hopefully have the subsequent effect of civility between belief-groups, where there currently is not.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Monday, December 20, 2004
The Movie Network Sucks
They show the same fucking movies, all day, for like a week. And they all suck! I mean, they were showing some really good movies when we first had it back at the old house, but now I can't even watch half the movies they show when I'm bored.
Exams are done.
Now he’s got Lisa Loeb on…I thought Lisa Loeb was pretty hot actually. I love that look; kinda chubby, but cute and youthful. Her glasses were way too thick but generally I think glasses are hot. However, I argue that unlike the likes of her 90s 2-hit wonder counterpart Jewel, her lyrics were less rich with substance. Here I am nearly 10 years later, and I can’t make any sense of what she meant when she said, “..and you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head!” Maybe that line is a complicated metaphor that my grossly undeveloped mind fails to unravel, but I’ve been giving her that benefit of the doubt for 10 years. Today I say, regardless of my intellectual status a truly well-constructed metaphor should be of the sort that the intended audience can both easily connect with and furthermore be moved by.
Getting back to that thing about having no outlet, during exams I was thinking a lot about a passage I read during existentialism. I forget if it was from Kierkegaard or Dostoevsky, but it was a little commentary on human relationships. He highlighted a difference between a person lending themselves to a friend/companion versions authentically lending themselves.
Lending yourself is what everyone does. If we have a friend in need we lend them our ears, or lend them our shoulder for support; lend them our time and effort and precious brain space. Even the most genuine-at-heart fall into this category of ‘simple-lending’ (my terminology, not his), nonetheless it’s not authentic. Authentic-lending carries more virtue. When you authentically lend yourself to a conversation, you don’t just hear it, or listen to it, or respond to it, you feel it. You’re in it, not just a part of it. I’ll draw a quick analogy.
Simple-lending is like when you’ve noticed that your neighbors car hasn’t left the driveway for 5 days, and he’s not on vacation, and lives alone, so you knock on his door a few times, he doesn’t answer, so you knock louder and louder and get concerned, and depending on the person your actions fall somewhere in the range of shrugging it off and going back home, or calling the cops to investigate. Authentic-lending is like you come home from a short-walk and realize you’ve locked yourself out, your 2-year old child is locked inside and you smell smoke. You look in the window and see the flames. At that instant the rest of the universe fades to black and you see nothing but the door, your obstacle, and your goal. All of your actions after that point is authentic-lending: the irrational and vigorous banging-away at the door, the yells, the scream, the passion, the pain, the pleading. You become one with the task of breaking the barrier and getting in touch with what’s on the inside!
Sorry if I just pulled a Lisa Loeb there, but the door/barrier refers to the facades and emotional barriers of your friends, and ‘the inside’ refers to object of your concern, your friend. I think I made a tidy finish of that analogy.
So with authentic-lending, it’s not just about really caring for the other person, or hoping for the best. It’s about having a personal stake in that person’s well-being. Correction, it’s about having a personal stake in that other person’s very existence! I’m lacking that. I mean, I know my family has those feelings for me, that’s a foregone conclusion. But the natural human urge is to find that degree of emotion from someone new. Sometimes when you’re up until the wee hours of the morning thinking about nothing else then the issues and problems of your friends’ lives, you start to wonder if they ever invest that much thought into you. If not, you’re forced to believe one of 2 conclusions. One: that you simply think too much, or two: that you’re simply not worth their thoughts. And then you remember that authentic-lending is a virtue, so one can’t be true, unless virtues are “too much.” But that’s a different philosophical debate.
The average reader of this blog has probably simplified this whole posting into something like, “Jamil’s just starving for affection.” I know I did, when I read about this for class. But for argument’s sake, let’s assume I have the ability to partially dissociate my feelings from my thoughts. I just wonder what’s the cause of all this lack of authentic-lending. Is it something about me? Actually, the better question is a totally different attack at myself. If someone really did want to authentically-lend themselves to me, would I let them? I know a lot of judgmental people, in fact everyone is judgmental. And there’s hardly a day that goes by where I’m not judged by at least someone. Maybe it’s just easier for me to be judged by lenders rather then authentic lenders, because the lenders only judge the mere surface that they’ve made contact with. But if an authentic-lender were to bash away at my door and break inside, and after seeing my core judge me still, that sort of thing might crush me.
For those of you who have taken on this task of reading 1000 words of unabridged
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Jay Z - December 4th. Good song.
Exams are coming up. It's going to be a good 2 weeks of hardcore studying. I mention this first partly because it should be the most pressing issue in my life, and partly because I just wanted to get that out of the way.
It's 5:00am, and I'm up. I just came home from Afterlife. Afterlife was dry, for the following reasons:
i. There was a bunch of dudes who just spent the whole night standing there on the dance floor. Some of them would be cracking jokes to their friends, most likely in an attempt to fend off their own insecurity with not being able to dance. Frick, I mean I'm no Usher but I at least try to have some fun with the music
ii. The girls were kind of lame. I find asian girls all do the same thing in clubs; they spend the whole night dancing provacatively against each other, most likely in an attempt to fend off their own insucrity with not being able to dance. Meanwhile a series of guys try to join in on the wholesome homoerotic fun, only to find the girls pulling themselves away in disgust. I think I saw like 10-15 guys fall victim to that tonight. An all-time high for one night, probably because the whole club was Chinese.
iii. I was sober. I think after awhile you start to realise that clubbing is much more fun when you're drunk, in the same way that sleep is more enjoyable when you're exhausted, or that snacks tastes better when you're high. I couldn't get drunk if I wanted to in there though, all the drinks are so watered down, I picked a good day to DD.
iv. This chick pulled the brown-girl move on me. The brown-girl move refers not to all brown girls, but to one girl in particular. The other day I was at, uhh Fox in Richmond Hill, and this brown chick (who turned out to be the dj's girlfriend) would back up into guys, and dance provacatively in front of them, so that they would ask her to dance, only so she could say, "Eww" so loud that strangers like myself could hear. Today wasn't so bad with me, but this chick totally was dancing it up on her own, gazing back at me, and backing up towards me. This odd looking chinese fellow was standing a good 10 feet away from her, just watching and smiling at her. I was thinking he either liked the way she moved or just happened to know her. Anyway, she kept backing away from him and towards me, so eventually I said, "Why not" and approached her. Yea, turns out it was her man, or a hired cockblocker. Ugh, I knew it!
Which brings me to my final point. Cockblocking is an overused artform. Honestly, there's not as many guys trying to get immediate sex as it's made out to be. Moretimes, the guy really just wants to dance. Tonight was like a grade school dance, except instead of having girls on one side of the gym and guys on the other, there were, girls dancing in their famous circles, couples dancing drunkenly throught the club, and then the onlooker chaps around the bar. I can't imagine being one of those guys that goes to a club, just to stand by the bar the whole night with a beer in my hand. To me that's on par with , i dunno, signing up for a gym to get fat, or paying for university just to go to pub nights, or watching Jessica Alba films for any form of mental stimulation. In any case, tonight I might as well have been, because I spent the night dancing away like a madman. But here at home I'm 50 dollars poorer and I wonder what was really acclompished. Hardly seems worth it.
At least Annie (the birthday girl) got smashed and had fun. That was the point of the night anyhow. So not all was lost; just her lunch! haha
It's 5:00am, and I'm up. I just came home from Afterlife. Afterlife was dry, for the following reasons:
i. There was a bunch of dudes who just spent the whole night standing there on the dance floor. Some of them would be cracking jokes to their friends, most likely in an attempt to fend off their own insecurity with not being able to dance. Frick, I mean I'm no Usher but I at least try to have some fun with the music
ii. The girls were kind of lame. I find asian girls all do the same thing in clubs; they spend the whole night dancing provacatively against each other, most likely in an attempt to fend off their own insucrity with not being able to dance. Meanwhile a series of guys try to join in on the wholesome homoerotic fun, only to find the girls pulling themselves away in disgust. I think I saw like 10-15 guys fall victim to that tonight. An all-time high for one night, probably because the whole club was Chinese.
iii. I was sober. I think after awhile you start to realise that clubbing is much more fun when you're drunk, in the same way that sleep is more enjoyable when you're exhausted, or that snacks tastes better when you're high. I couldn't get drunk if I wanted to in there though, all the drinks are so watered down, I picked a good day to DD.
iv. This chick pulled the brown-girl move on me. The brown-girl move refers not to all brown girls, but to one girl in particular. The other day I was at, uhh Fox in Richmond Hill, and this brown chick (who turned out to be the dj's girlfriend) would back up into guys, and dance provacatively in front of them, so that they would ask her to dance, only so she could say, "Eww" so loud that strangers like myself could hear. Today wasn't so bad with me, but this chick totally was dancing it up on her own, gazing back at me, and backing up towards me. This odd looking chinese fellow was standing a good 10 feet away from her, just watching and smiling at her. I was thinking he either liked the way she moved or just happened to know her. Anyway, she kept backing away from him and towards me, so eventually I said, "Why not" and approached her. Yea, turns out it was her man, or a hired cockblocker. Ugh, I knew it!
Which brings me to my final point. Cockblocking is an overused artform. Honestly, there's not as many guys trying to get immediate sex as it's made out to be. Moretimes, the guy really just wants to dance. Tonight was like a grade school dance, except instead of having girls on one side of the gym and guys on the other, there were, girls dancing in their famous circles, couples dancing drunkenly throught the club, and then the onlooker chaps around the bar. I can't imagine being one of those guys that goes to a club, just to stand by the bar the whole night with a beer in my hand. To me that's on par with , i dunno, signing up for a gym to get fat, or paying for university just to go to pub nights, or watching Jessica Alba films for any form of mental stimulation. In any case, tonight I might as well have been, because I spent the night dancing away like a madman. But here at home I'm 50 dollars poorer and I wonder what was really acclompished. Hardly seems worth it.
At least Annie (the birthday girl) got smashed and had fun. That was the point of the night anyhow. So not all was lost; just her lunch! haha
Saturday, November 27, 2004
What da fuck!
I'm not one to boast, but I need to mention that yesterday my team won the Annual Extramural Indoor Soccer Tournament @ Humber College. It's my third year playing in it, and finally we won. I think I need to mention this because since coming to UTSC I haven't won a single soccer championship, with exception to winning the league in interhouse twice. I scored a hat trick in the final match, but I must admit that I had used a chemical enhancement. Before the game, they were giving away the left over drinks from lunchtime. They ran out of orange, so I decided to try the other drink, which Meghan, my prez, said was "Blue Raspberry." I hate raspberries. It was only when I took my first sip of this concoction that I realised Blue Raspberry is another term for Blue Freezie Flavour!!! I had like two glasses of it, which would be the equivalent sugar rush of about 2 Jumbo Kisko Kid freezies. So you can imagine that I was on fire that match, or more correctly, on ice! (bad joke) Seriously, I definitely had the sugars running through me, after the game my buddy Sadaf was like "Great Game" and I was just kinda standing there, shaking, not knowing what to say. I regularly don't take compliments well anyway, but I blame this time on the sugar. My toe is for sure fractured, it's not looking any better after that tourney. Some pussy stepped and rested on my broken toe too after a game cuz he lost. Hailey (sp.) and I just laughed about it and decided to win just to spite him. But that's nothing compared to what happend to my keeper Sibtain. The guy suffered a concussion, passed out and had to be taken to the hospital! But we won the cup for him. Or rather, the chairs, which half of us exchanged for hats, and I exchanged for the other UTSC team's Fair Play shirt.
Okay seriously, I just gotta ask, is my lisp becoming more pronounced, or do people simply not listen to a single word I say anymore? Everyone's misinterpreting what I've said, or misquoting me, or not getting the point of what I'm saying, and so on. Like really I think I need to talk less; one word answers are more direct and harder to miscommunicate.
My marketing project is over, I'm so relieved. I was actually looking forward to this day, even tho this day marks the beginning of studying for finals. That project went down to the wire, we officially finished the last step @ like 4:59pm on Thursday. Class was at 5. But it was well done, and the prof gave us praise on the presentation. We had good times to, lots of laughs along the way, including Qahir's simple yet constantly funny saying, "What da fuck!" Something weird I found out, I always pick one side of a room during a presentation and focus on it. I have to make a conscious effort to remember that I haven't looked on the other side of the room in order to turn, it's weird, I gotta correct that.
One last thing. I'm getting a lot of that, "This is my world, and you're just living in it" attitude. Like really, What da Fuck! haha. That's it i guess, I'm in a pissy mood. Everyone pisses me off right now, but nobody for the same reason, so I'm forced to believe that it has at least something to do with my own personal baggage. Unless of course, I live in a world of ignorance where only I have the power to see the light. You never really know. But for those of you with that "this is my world..." attitude, who think that they are that sole person who sees the light, remind me to slap you in the face next time and remind you that you're wrong.
Pissy Comment of The Day: "Canadian born Chinese bash the black and brown identity, because they have no identity of their own."
Okay seriously, I just gotta ask, is my lisp becoming more pronounced, or do people simply not listen to a single word I say anymore? Everyone's misinterpreting what I've said, or misquoting me, or not getting the point of what I'm saying, and so on. Like really I think I need to talk less; one word answers are more direct and harder to miscommunicate.
My marketing project is over, I'm so relieved. I was actually looking forward to this day, even tho this day marks the beginning of studying for finals. That project went down to the wire, we officially finished the last step @ like 4:59pm on Thursday. Class was at 5. But it was well done, and the prof gave us praise on the presentation. We had good times to, lots of laughs along the way, including Qahir's simple yet constantly funny saying, "What da fuck!" Something weird I found out, I always pick one side of a room during a presentation and focus on it. I have to make a conscious effort to remember that I haven't looked on the other side of the room in order to turn, it's weird, I gotta correct that.
One last thing. I'm getting a lot of that, "This is my world, and you're just living in it" attitude. Like really, What da Fuck! haha. That's it i guess, I'm in a pissy mood. Everyone pisses me off right now, but nobody for the same reason, so I'm forced to believe that it has at least something to do with my own personal baggage. Unless of course, I live in a world of ignorance where only I have the power to see the light. You never really know. But for those of you with that "this is my world..." attitude, who think that they are that sole person who sees the light, remind me to slap you in the face next time and remind you that you're wrong.
Pissy Comment of The Day: "Canadian born Chinese bash the black and brown identity, because they have no identity of their own."
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
It's getting chilly.
This is where I would regularly compensate for my previous romantically-involved post. Typically, I would write an angry post, or worse yet a funny one. Why? So as to vainly cover my image, in hopes that people won’t think that I’m too sensitive. Why? Because nobody likes a sensitive guy. Girls actually don’t, it was all a lie. And obviously given the choice, my boys would prefer the more rugged outdoorsy Jamil, rather then the sensitive family sedan model.
I’m far less concerned with my image then before. I’ve come to realise that people basically size you up in and around the first three conversations they have with you, and typically they'll remember the things that reinforce their presumptions and ignore the rest. So why work on one’s image, I say? It’s a self-defeating conquest.
Furthermore, I’m far less sensitive then before. So I guess I just have less to hide. I’m more or less unphased by the irregular dating habits and general preferences of hot chicks. Previously topics such as these caused me high levels of dissonance. Personal frustrations are also lessening. Given the options of more sleep or wakeful self-loathing, I now choose the former, only because sleep feels so good. In a sense, sleep is kind of like that ‘instant-gratification’ people seek to combat negative and hurtful feelings. Sleep, in other words, is my cigarette. Actually that’s a lie. Milkshakes are now my cigarette. The TD at Warden Woods is right beside a Baskin Robbins, and the lady there lets me make my own concoctions of milkshakes, any flavours, it’s nuts!
So am I solidifying into a noble and righteous man, or am I regressing further still into a pit of insecurity? I don’t know if I’m a valid judge of myself, but I don’t think it’s either case really. I’m more inclined to believe that I’m simply busy trying to get shit done. Soon December will come and I will sleep and go to work and eat, and then have ample time to revisit the question of “where I’m at” in life.
As of right now, the answer to that question is "by myself." As I think I've noted in a post last year, most people start jonesing for love around springtime. Wintertime is my peak. Romantic prospects however are minimal. Other then at work, I haven’t really met a single new person since September, let alone a lady, let alone a nice one…let alone a looker. I’ve been so busy that if this were a month ago and I had met someone who was interested in me I probably would have passed on her. In a month from now however, if history is any indication, desperation will be looming. Desperate or not, I don't even think there will be anyone there when I'm in need. Ho hum. At least there will be Fox Sports World and The Movie Network to pass the time.
I’m far less concerned with my image then before. I’ve come to realise that people basically size you up in and around the first three conversations they have with you, and typically they'll remember the things that reinforce their presumptions and ignore the rest. So why work on one’s image, I say? It’s a self-defeating conquest.
Furthermore, I’m far less sensitive then before. So I guess I just have less to hide. I’m more or less unphased by the irregular dating habits and general preferences of hot chicks. Previously topics such as these caused me high levels of dissonance. Personal frustrations are also lessening. Given the options of more sleep or wakeful self-loathing, I now choose the former, only because sleep feels so good. In a sense, sleep is kind of like that ‘instant-gratification’ people seek to combat negative and hurtful feelings. Sleep, in other words, is my cigarette. Actually that’s a lie. Milkshakes are now my cigarette. The TD at Warden Woods is right beside a Baskin Robbins, and the lady there lets me make my own concoctions of milkshakes, any flavours, it’s nuts!
So am I solidifying into a noble and righteous man, or am I regressing further still into a pit of insecurity? I don’t know if I’m a valid judge of myself, but I don’t think it’s either case really. I’m more inclined to believe that I’m simply busy trying to get shit done. Soon December will come and I will sleep and go to work and eat, and then have ample time to revisit the question of “where I’m at” in life.
As of right now, the answer to that question is "by myself." As I think I've noted in a post last year, most people start jonesing for love around springtime. Wintertime is my peak. Romantic prospects however are minimal. Other then at work, I haven’t really met a single new person since September, let alone a lady, let alone a nice one…let alone a looker. I’ve been so busy that if this were a month ago and I had met someone who was interested in me I probably would have passed on her. In a month from now however, if history is any indication, desperation will be looming. Desperate or not, I don't even think there will be anyone there when I'm in need. Ho hum. At least there will be Fox Sports World and The Movie Network to pass the time.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Hope you like it
I don't quite remember where I first met her.
Part of me remembers a field of tall grass. As I sorted through it, finding not much more then myself, I came upon her image. The sun shone softly against her face, as her hair translated the breeze. She wore a sort of checkered-plaid blouse, in shades of red and white, tied up by the wayside. It was a warm summer’s afternoon which grew warmer as she drew nearer. We encountered one another for what seemed to be the hundredth time, as if to say it was all planned. Surely, not by us. As the tall grass grew taller still around us we lost ourselves in the field, sometime around high noon. We spent seven eternities together until finally the sun had set on our romance. The rest is unclear to me.
Part of me still yet remembers walking along the slender paved pathway which traversed a park, cutting beneath the autumn trees. We had arranged to meet here after finding out that we both had fond childhood memories in this park. There was a subtle yet distinct chill in the air. We realized neither of us was appropriately dressed for the occasion. I offered my sweater all the same, it was only proper. My comfort was a love unlike any I had had before. We conversed to pass the time. Our words wrote a timeless ballad of mutual understanding and romantic potential. We gently yet efficiently peeled away at each other’s emotional layers only to find that we shared the same core. I halted, startled by this revelation, then proceeded once more. We proceeded onwards across the pathway, and into each other’s future.
What I do remember is the following. I meant to say it to her that day, but I was too encaptured by her to find the words. "The day we met, the man I used to be accepted his fate, and acknowledged you as my life's epoch."
-Don't you miss those creative writing assignments? Back to homework!
Part of me remembers a field of tall grass. As I sorted through it, finding not much more then myself, I came upon her image. The sun shone softly against her face, as her hair translated the breeze. She wore a sort of checkered-plaid blouse, in shades of red and white, tied up by the wayside. It was a warm summer’s afternoon which grew warmer as she drew nearer. We encountered one another for what seemed to be the hundredth time, as if to say it was all planned. Surely, not by us. As the tall grass grew taller still around us we lost ourselves in the field, sometime around high noon. We spent seven eternities together until finally the sun had set on our romance. The rest is unclear to me.
Part of me still yet remembers walking along the slender paved pathway which traversed a park, cutting beneath the autumn trees. We had arranged to meet here after finding out that we both had fond childhood memories in this park. There was a subtle yet distinct chill in the air. We realized neither of us was appropriately dressed for the occasion. I offered my sweater all the same, it was only proper. My comfort was a love unlike any I had had before. We conversed to pass the time. Our words wrote a timeless ballad of mutual understanding and romantic potential. We gently yet efficiently peeled away at each other’s emotional layers only to find that we shared the same core. I halted, startled by this revelation, then proceeded once more. We proceeded onwards across the pathway, and into each other’s future.
What I do remember is the following. I meant to say it to her that day, but I was too encaptured by her to find the words. "The day we met, the man I used to be accepted his fate, and acknowledged you as my life's epoch."
-Don't you miss those creative writing assignments? Back to homework!
Thursday, November 04, 2004
I don't like my last blog now, it's not doin' it for me
"As the master and creator of philosophy, it is my duty during every argument to challenge my own position. For if I fail to do so, nobody will challenge my challenge." c2004
Come to think of it, is that taken? If not, c2004
Come to think of it, is that taken? If not, c2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
"I'm slipping, I'm falling, I gots to get up...
....and get back on my feet so I can tear shit up!" - DMX
I've been slipping. I've found myself thinking about the unimportant things again. Namely, life, my future, social dynamics, philosophy and the investigation of truth. So, that's my cue to blog, and get it all off my chest...or at least the bulk of what I can remember.
Importance is a funny concept. What really is important? Just now I named a few "unimportant" facets of existence, and a few of you surely said, "Come again?" or at least I hope that my having referred to life and philosophy as unimportant struck a chord with you. All of the aforementioned are topics that I feel will always be important in an ultimate sense, or in the grand scheme of things. But one by one, I've come to realise that they can all be really unimportant on a day-to-day basis. In other words, I more or less feel that issues of such a grand nature are so much less pressing to the bulk of us in this day and age, so focusing a lot of thought on them is a waste of time. More correctly, focusing a lot of thought on them, is a large investment of time that we can't afford.
The investigation of truth is moreso a journey for those who have time, because truth is very elusive, and for those of us with more pressing issues, I suggest you attned to those first. Forget whether or not your friends, peers and family are being truthful, it can be the case where truth itself is th ultimate liar. Everything's relative, a stangnant principle like truth fails to account for that. Ask yourself truthfully, "Who am I?" any day this week, then ask yourself the same question tomorrow and tell me if you get the same answer; the same exact answer! If you do, I feel sorry for you, if you don't, then you're coming close to realising the true nature of truth. So as truth changes from day to day, and minute to minute, the truly noble and dedicated of the philosopher kings is hot on the pursuit despite all obstacles. I, on the otherhand, have two midterms in about 2 weeks, and some other shit to do. (I shouldn't distance myself from philosophers, I am one. I promise, just another year and a half and I can get back to some real philosophizing!)
As the we proceed from truth and lies to friends and social dynamics, I start by mentioning that I've come to really enjoy the phrase "Ignorance is bliss!" It's simply best for me not to think too hard about my relationships with my friends. I can't believe it had to come out of Vin Diesel's mouth but it has its merit: "There aint nobody that wouldn't hurt you, if it could help them." Shocked, appauled and insulted? I bet. Deservedly so? I bet not. Let's be real here. When we were kids, they asked us what we wanted to be in life, not what we wanted to do in life. These are the days of mass-individualism and the pursuit of self. Marriage, communism, community in general, religion, fellowship, are all institutions which run contrary to individualism, and they're all having a hard time nowadays! But how could they? How could they, when we spend the days deciding, "What I want in a wife/husband?" As if to say that 'speical someone' was really put on this earth solely to serve as a commodity for my enjoyment, and as a means to provide for my offspring? The more pressing question would be, "What I want in a marriage?" And if the answer to that is anything less than impressive, then you're doing somebody a disservice. Aside: I'm a hypocrit, I know. Who am I to mock Vin's capacity for making a poignant remark, just because he's big, muscle bound and shaves his head, when I am not much different. And truthfully it was the writers of 'Knockaround Guys' who came up with the quote. So I apologize, Vin.
There was something really important that I wanted to say, but I lost my train of thought. I'll save it for a future blog. But like I said, what's really important anyway? Anyway, it's a good thing I lost it; I have an assignment to do anyhow. I gots to get up!
But wait: I can't finish a blog without making a grose generalization about women in general, and their methods of thinking. This year, the colour Pink was the fashionable colour for men to wear. Arguably the most immasculating colour out there, challenged only by a pastel yellow, or purhaps a bright purple. My objection with the colour pink has more to do with my feeling that pink is simply red with the life sucked out of it. But what bothers me about this trend is the new female craze with feminine men. Back in the day, and by back in the day I refer to when I was not yet a man, your average dude was skinny and a little athletic. He probably had the beatboxer breakdancing type body. So girls turned their eyes to the muscle-bound strapping men like Antonio Banderas, Fabio, Arnold, etc. So right then in the 90s all the guys started lifting weights and using the Ab-roller and they were pumped up! So, as a retort, girls changed their desires to the slender-muscled bodies of your Johnny Depps and Justin Timberlakes. So men, plagued with the need to please women went on teh Atkins diet and traded in their home weight machines treadmills and played cardiovascular sports. (Thankfully, from that soccer became increasingly popular here in North America! Yay!) All was calm, but girls love drama. So now girls have taken the extra step in making it impossible for men to please them... they started liking 17 year old frail looking boys, and older men who wear the lightest of pinks. I love soccer, and will continue to workout so as to continue to play soccer. But given the choice, I'd make every effort to look like a 40-year old man's man, for no other reason then to spite womankind for their treachery!!! Yes, I am indeed single.
I've been slipping. I've found myself thinking about the unimportant things again. Namely, life, my future, social dynamics, philosophy and the investigation of truth. So, that's my cue to blog, and get it all off my chest...or at least the bulk of what I can remember.
Importance is a funny concept. What really is important? Just now I named a few "unimportant" facets of existence, and a few of you surely said, "Come again?" or at least I hope that my having referred to life and philosophy as unimportant struck a chord with you. All of the aforementioned are topics that I feel will always be important in an ultimate sense, or in the grand scheme of things. But one by one, I've come to realise that they can all be really unimportant on a day-to-day basis. In other words, I more or less feel that issues of such a grand nature are so much less pressing to the bulk of us in this day and age, so focusing a lot of thought on them is a waste of time. More correctly, focusing a lot of thought on them, is a large investment of time that we can't afford.
The investigation of truth is moreso a journey for those who have time, because truth is very elusive, and for those of us with more pressing issues, I suggest you attned to those first. Forget whether or not your friends, peers and family are being truthful, it can be the case where truth itself is th ultimate liar. Everything's relative, a stangnant principle like truth fails to account for that. Ask yourself truthfully, "Who am I?" any day this week, then ask yourself the same question tomorrow and tell me if you get the same answer; the same exact answer! If you do, I feel sorry for you, if you don't, then you're coming close to realising the true nature of truth. So as truth changes from day to day, and minute to minute, the truly noble and dedicated of the philosopher kings is hot on the pursuit despite all obstacles. I, on the otherhand, have two midterms in about 2 weeks, and some other shit to do. (I shouldn't distance myself from philosophers, I am one. I promise, just another year and a half and I can get back to some real philosophizing!)
As the we proceed from truth and lies to friends and social dynamics, I start by mentioning that I've come to really enjoy the phrase "Ignorance is bliss!" It's simply best for me not to think too hard about my relationships with my friends. I can't believe it had to come out of Vin Diesel's mouth but it has its merit: "There aint nobody that wouldn't hurt you, if it could help them." Shocked, appauled and insulted? I bet. Deservedly so? I bet not. Let's be real here. When we were kids, they asked us what we wanted to be in life, not what we wanted to do in life. These are the days of mass-individualism and the pursuit of self. Marriage, communism, community in general, religion, fellowship, are all institutions which run contrary to individualism, and they're all having a hard time nowadays! But how could they? How could they, when we spend the days deciding, "What I want in a wife/husband?" As if to say that 'speical someone' was really put on this earth solely to serve as a commodity for my enjoyment, and as a means to provide for my offspring? The more pressing question would be, "What I want in a marriage?" And if the answer to that is anything less than impressive, then you're doing somebody a disservice. Aside: I'm a hypocrit, I know. Who am I to mock Vin's capacity for making a poignant remark, just because he's big, muscle bound and shaves his head, when I am not much different. And truthfully it was the writers of 'Knockaround Guys' who came up with the quote. So I apologize, Vin.
There was something really important that I wanted to say, but I lost my train of thought. I'll save it for a future blog. But like I said, what's really important anyway? Anyway, it's a good thing I lost it; I have an assignment to do anyhow. I gots to get up!
But wait: I can't finish a blog without making a grose generalization about women in general, and their methods of thinking. This year, the colour Pink was the fashionable colour for men to wear. Arguably the most immasculating colour out there, challenged only by a pastel yellow, or purhaps a bright purple. My objection with the colour pink has more to do with my feeling that pink is simply red with the life sucked out of it. But what bothers me about this trend is the new female craze with feminine men. Back in the day, and by back in the day I refer to when I was not yet a man, your average dude was skinny and a little athletic. He probably had the beatboxer breakdancing type body. So girls turned their eyes to the muscle-bound strapping men like Antonio Banderas, Fabio, Arnold, etc. So right then in the 90s all the guys started lifting weights and using the Ab-roller and they were pumped up! So, as a retort, girls changed their desires to the slender-muscled bodies of your Johnny Depps and Justin Timberlakes. So men, plagued with the need to please women went on teh Atkins diet and traded in their home weight machines treadmills and played cardiovascular sports. (Thankfully, from that soccer became increasingly popular here in North America! Yay!) All was calm, but girls love drama. So now girls have taken the extra step in making it impossible for men to please them... they started liking 17 year old frail looking boys, and older men who wear the lightest of pinks. I love soccer, and will continue to workout so as to continue to play soccer. But given the choice, I'd make every effort to look like a 40-year old man's man, for no other reason then to spite womankind for their treachery!!! Yes, I am indeed single.
Friday, October 22, 2004
I spent an hour and a half...
Writing a fucking blog........ and fucking blogspot erased it. Fuck you blogspot. Fuck you royally. Fuck you! Fuck you! and Fuck you too!
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Aaah, my groin!
"If it hurt to breathe, I would still do it. The same goes for soccer."
My groin is in a state of pain like no other! Today I put my pants on, one leg at a time.....while sitting... and easing my leg into them. I'm still going to play soccer this term; tricampus and interhouse hopefully. But we'll see if I can make it through another practice first.
I'm using the nights of this weekend to blog. Mostly because it's been so long since I've blogged, and partly because I know it'll be a long time before I can blog again. My days are packed with tasks. SCAA is like an annoying girlfriend this month, it just eats up my time, and always asks for more! My current job is soul-destroying, I hate interviewing people and interrupting their supper to do it. I don't even have time to apply to these other jobs. Why do companies do university recruitment during September? Wouldn't August make a little more sense?? I'm still waiting for textbooks in 2 of my classes, so I'll have to play catchup with studying for those...(as usual, behind in the first week). But I have a plan of action this year for studying, so the outlook is promising.
This year will answer a few questions. Primarily it will answer that question posed a few years ago by Boys II Men; specifically, "Can You Stand The Rain?" In their song, this question basically asks, that although everyone loves the good times (sunny days) who will stick around when times aren't so fun (rainy days)? In my case, I always try to be there for my friends. I crack jokes and bring the good times and all that. And don't get me wrong, I don't do this as a chore - though, in my younger days, I did - I do it cuz that's just me. Nonetheless, it has not been uncommon in my life for people to immediately lose interest in me when I'm no longer around to be used as a commodity for entertainment. Friendships are lost as easily as they're made, and I'm really good at making friends. I've played what I call the role of "surrogate boyfriend" to the majority of my female friends that I've ever had. I jokingly made up this term with my buddy Tampon, who calls me this routinely, but I've come to realise that I'm somewhat of a "surrogate playah!" Anyhow, in this role, I play the shoulder to cry on, and the entertainer, and the confidant, etc.. etc.. As I hardly have time to even schedule regular sleep now, I have lost all interest in playing this role with anyone. After a few birthday events, like say 2-3, in the next month, I probably won't go out again until December. It'll be interesting to see the extent of my usefulness, through the eyes of the friends I've lost. It's kind of like the saying, "In comedy, you're only as good as your last joke!"
Disclaimer: This is not at all meant to knock ANY of my current friends. I would hope that my friends are as genuine as I think they are. Especially you Tampon, since we made up this term together I don't want you to get the wrong idea, we're still Malvern Crew!!! It has more to do with a question that I ask about friendship in general. Is there anything absolute about friendship? I mean, you love your family in an absolute sense. More times, you don't even like'em, but you still love'em. Does the same thing go for friends? There's that underlying principle that holds families together, and effectively helps them "Stand The Rain." That principle is typically a bit of guilt, mixed in with necessity, financial dependence and emotional stability. But what about friends? As easily as you can choose to make a friend you can choose to discard one, the stakes aren't very high. So in any friendship, if there is no guilt, or necessity, or dependence, then is there any real 'absolute fabric' that holds friendships together? In some, I would hope so, yea... but not the majority. But in any given friendship, I guess, if there isn't any 'absolute fabric' then you should probably prepare yourself emotionally, because the friendship will end!
I gotta stop blogging at night. I sound more drab then philosophical.
My groin is in a state of pain like no other! Today I put my pants on, one leg at a time.....while sitting... and easing my leg into them. I'm still going to play soccer this term; tricampus and interhouse hopefully. But we'll see if I can make it through another practice first.
I'm using the nights of this weekend to blog. Mostly because it's been so long since I've blogged, and partly because I know it'll be a long time before I can blog again. My days are packed with tasks. SCAA is like an annoying girlfriend this month, it just eats up my time, and always asks for more! My current job is soul-destroying, I hate interviewing people and interrupting their supper to do it. I don't even have time to apply to these other jobs. Why do companies do university recruitment during September? Wouldn't August make a little more sense?? I'm still waiting for textbooks in 2 of my classes, so I'll have to play catchup with studying for those...(as usual, behind in the first week). But I have a plan of action this year for studying, so the outlook is promising.
This year will answer a few questions. Primarily it will answer that question posed a few years ago by Boys II Men; specifically, "Can You Stand The Rain?" In their song, this question basically asks, that although everyone loves the good times (sunny days) who will stick around when times aren't so fun (rainy days)? In my case, I always try to be there for my friends. I crack jokes and bring the good times and all that. And don't get me wrong, I don't do this as a chore - though, in my younger days, I did - I do it cuz that's just me. Nonetheless, it has not been uncommon in my life for people to immediately lose interest in me when I'm no longer around to be used as a commodity for entertainment. Friendships are lost as easily as they're made, and I'm really good at making friends. I've played what I call the role of "surrogate boyfriend" to the majority of my female friends that I've ever had. I jokingly made up this term with my buddy Tampon, who calls me this routinely, but I've come to realise that I'm somewhat of a "surrogate playah!" Anyhow, in this role, I play the shoulder to cry on, and the entertainer, and the confidant, etc.. etc.. As I hardly have time to even schedule regular sleep now, I have lost all interest in playing this role with anyone. After a few birthday events, like say 2-3, in the next month, I probably won't go out again until December. It'll be interesting to see the extent of my usefulness, through the eyes of the friends I've lost. It's kind of like the saying, "In comedy, you're only as good as your last joke!"
Disclaimer: This is not at all meant to knock ANY of my current friends. I would hope that my friends are as genuine as I think they are. Especially you Tampon, since we made up this term together I don't want you to get the wrong idea, we're still Malvern Crew!!! It has more to do with a question that I ask about friendship in general. Is there anything absolute about friendship? I mean, you love your family in an absolute sense. More times, you don't even like'em, but you still love'em. Does the same thing go for friends? There's that underlying principle that holds families together, and effectively helps them "Stand The Rain." That principle is typically a bit of guilt, mixed in with necessity, financial dependence and emotional stability. But what about friends? As easily as you can choose to make a friend you can choose to discard one, the stakes aren't very high. So in any friendship, if there is no guilt, or necessity, or dependence, then is there any real 'absolute fabric' that holds friendships together? In some, I would hope so, yea... but not the majority. But in any given friendship, I guess, if there isn't any 'absolute fabric' then you should probably prepare yourself emotionally, because the friendship will end!
I gotta stop blogging at night. I sound more drab then philosophical.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
"Looonng tiiiime, we nuh have no blog time"
... and guess what, I've got a lot to say about nothing!
Reality Television
It's true. TV killed the radio. Years later, filled with guilt, TV reloaded the same gun and pointed the barrel towards itself. Today, TV is dead. I tried to watch a little reality television tonight as I was incredibly tired and was nursing a groin injury.
Canadian Idol is not worthy of my analysis. But I'll offer a brief one. The 'judges' on those shows are the definition of puppets. They say, what needs to be said, to impress the sponsers. After the first few weeks, we know who's going to win on any Idol show. You knew Ruban was gonna win in like Week 2, he's a Teddy Bear. And you knew this Kalan Porter guy had it locked, cuz for whatever reason, girls loved him. (???) But how is it that 3.6 million viewers watch this show even tho almost all 3.6 million will admit that the show is too drawn out?
Here's what you do: You get 3 judges to randomize their 'critiques' of the idol's performances. You get them to say, "I love you, u're a star, u'll go far" one week, and then when Canada has shown they love him, you turn around and call the guy a hack the next week. So everyone votes for him the first week to show support, then just when it seems like he's going to win for sure, the judge calls him a hack, less people vote (some, b/c they think the judges are professional judges of talent, and some, b/c they figure the rest of Canada will vote). And then, "Like OMG, (idol) is on the hotseat!! He almost got kicked off!!" 3.6 million people send in text messages, and if they're stupid enough, pay Bell, or Telus, or Rogers 35 cents to do it! Plus they watch 2 hours of television (which could be 1/2 hour of television) each week to make sure their vote mattered. Oh, Canada! I guess at least one comforting fact is, that of the 3.6 million votes, the average person probly votes like 5 times (my buddy's mom voted like 50 times once!), so really only less then a million people wasted their time and money on this. For whatever reason, there's still 29 million reasonable Canadians out there! I'm ashamed to say that for 2 episodes, i was not part of that 29 million. (That is to say, i watched 2 episodes... i have never voted!)
Survivor pisses me off to no end!!! Allow me to save everyone from having to watch the following season of Survivor. The season will go as follows:
The Usual Cast: 18 Americans, specifically, one elderly woman and one old man (both caucasian), a token a black, a token asian (female most likely), at least one really fat person, one female with lots of attitude, one mischievous caucasian male of poor moral upbringing, and the rest will be strapping young lads between the ages 20-29, all white. Oh yea, and one of them will have a trendy and exciting career, like a Navy Seal, a soccer player, a cowboy or in this case, the FBI agent.
The Usual Season: People will emotionally attach themselves to the old people because they will show a lot of heart and determination as they pass through the 'physically strenuous' immunity challenges. You know, the ones where they have to walk over planks holding something in their hands, or stand in a stationary position for a long period of time. Tasks which coincidentally are not unlike your average shopping experience at Wal-Mart or the local supermarket. One of the old people will make it to the final 4, while the other will be on the council of disgruntled losers hoping for the best. The girl with attitude will also make it far, as although everyone hates her, nobody wishes to show that they're voting out of emotion, because that would spell their own demise in the weeks to follow. According to the trend, this is the time for the 'trendy career guy' to lose early on, i fear. Why? See if an FBI agent, who should possess most of the required skills to win, can't succeed in this 'incredibly intricate' game, then who really CAN? Questions like these provoke curiosity, and in turn viewership, and in turn sponsorship, which makes ABC, Global and the other syndicates happy. The black guy, who is usually shown to be lazy, but in this case is simply fat, will be out before the final four. His spot, sadly was already reserved for the pretty girl who, although weak at the knees, proves to be stronger then a chauvinist would expect. (Girl POWER!) So with the old person, the bitch, and the princess already in the top 4, the final spot will be captured by what I call, "the threat." This is the guy who seemingly poses a threat to all other contestants, but somehow stays alive everytime. Like the gay guy who struts around naked, or the cowboy or soccer player whose physical dominance is far beyond the others, and so on. The winner is always a surprise to me. Americans don't make much sense to me, and the winner is normally selected to make America happy, so I guess you'll all have to watch the last episode. I won't, I have no interest in it. The only thing about Survivor that I want to know is, "Where are the token Puerto Ricans at?"
Aside: Actually, the answer to that is simple. In America, immigration is like the first year of college. You have to go through a "hell week" where the rest of established Americans haze you and put you through shit and beat you, confine you, etc. until finally they accept you for no other reason then they have to. Except, this is more like a "hell 100 years or so" and instead of paddling a guy, or making him run around naked at a frat party, you hang a few of them, lock most of them up, make them run naked on an episode of COPS, force them all to find refuge in areas of poor social construct, and finally slow the process of their development by placing liquor stores, on every corner. And of course, low-income housing, convenience stores and poor drug enforcement all over the place helps too. With the new LCBO at morningside, and with the Beer Store smack in the middle of Malvern Mall, i wonder sometimes if Canada is any different.
Anyway, the Blacks and Irish have pretty much made it into the fraternity, they paid their dues, (we all saw Gangs of New York), let's see how long it takes to see an abundance of Mexicans on the Board of corporations, or lecturing at Universities. The point which I definitely strayed far away form is that as latin people in the states are still being hazed, the fine people at ABC are hardpressed to find a Latin Guy, hustling in the streets and living hand-to-mouth, that's willing to leave his 'career' to willingly starve himself, with no definite payout. It's kind of ridiculous.
I spent the hour thinking about this blog and typing it out, meanwhile, the Apprentice was on. The Apprentice I like!! But that's because it's new. And, the formula for picking the winner is always laid out during each episode, as Donald Trump chews out some people in the board room. There's minimal hipocracy in the selection process, no underlying formula for fooling viewers. Trump tells them why they've been sent 'down to the street!' That is to say, there's no hipocracy until it really matters. In the end, Mr. Trump aint going to hire the high school grad to run a multibillion dollar company. The entire board of directors, which the Winner will be in charge of, will have Graduate degrees. They won't take orders from who's never even attended a Finance lecture. And yet, he's not going to give an obvious advantage to the Ivy League Grad either, cuz the show would seem biased. And of course, the fine producers of Survivor are the same producers of this show as well, so you know the black girl is going to have a nasty attitude, and the Black guy is going to appear as though he has a fair chance of actually winning the show, when really he doesn't.
The Winner: I'll do a quick tutorial on what we business folks call 'hedging' or, securing yourself against risk. What you basically do is make investments on opposite sides of a market, so that no matter what happens, something will give you a payout. So you might invest in fine imported pasta AND Kraft dinner, so that whether the economy is booming or not, one of your investments is probably doing well in sales. In the case of selecting a winner, if you're taking bets, this is the best scenario for hedging, as there can only be 2 winners. Either, a) the guy who has the most chizled jawline, best golf-swing, and non-abrasive attitude;
or b) The 2nd hottest chick on the show!
-A guy won last time, so if you're conservative, place a bit more money on the chick winning this time. It wouldn't be profitable to ABC or to Trump's businesses to face media-based allegations that only males rise to the top on the Apprentice!
So all-in-all, TV sucks but we've got sattelite at my place. I watch Soccer, the Movie Network (and other movie channels), and teletoon for Family Guy and Home Movies... oh yea, and now they're showing The Flintstones!!! Out of "600 channels," which is actually about 200 channels, which minus the french channels and time-shifting channels is about 150 channels... I watch, about, 5-10 channels... *sigh* What happened to the good old days?
Cheers,
Me
Reality Television
It's true. TV killed the radio. Years later, filled with guilt, TV reloaded the same gun and pointed the barrel towards itself. Today, TV is dead. I tried to watch a little reality television tonight as I was incredibly tired and was nursing a groin injury.
Canadian Idol is not worthy of my analysis. But I'll offer a brief one. The 'judges' on those shows are the definition of puppets. They say, what needs to be said, to impress the sponsers. After the first few weeks, we know who's going to win on any Idol show. You knew Ruban was gonna win in like Week 2, he's a Teddy Bear. And you knew this Kalan Porter guy had it locked, cuz for whatever reason, girls loved him. (???) But how is it that 3.6 million viewers watch this show even tho almost all 3.6 million will admit that the show is too drawn out?
Here's what you do: You get 3 judges to randomize their 'critiques' of the idol's performances. You get them to say, "I love you, u're a star, u'll go far" one week, and then when Canada has shown they love him, you turn around and call the guy a hack the next week. So everyone votes for him the first week to show support, then just when it seems like he's going to win for sure, the judge calls him a hack, less people vote (some, b/c they think the judges are professional judges of talent, and some, b/c they figure the rest of Canada will vote). And then, "Like OMG, (idol) is on the hotseat!! He almost got kicked off!!" 3.6 million people send in text messages, and if they're stupid enough, pay Bell, or Telus, or Rogers 35 cents to do it! Plus they watch 2 hours of television (which could be 1/2 hour of television) each week to make sure their vote mattered. Oh, Canada! I guess at least one comforting fact is, that of the 3.6 million votes, the average person probly votes like 5 times (my buddy's mom voted like 50 times once!), so really only less then a million people wasted their time and money on this. For whatever reason, there's still 29 million reasonable Canadians out there! I'm ashamed to say that for 2 episodes, i was not part of that 29 million. (That is to say, i watched 2 episodes... i have never voted!)
Survivor pisses me off to no end!!! Allow me to save everyone from having to watch the following season of Survivor. The season will go as follows:
The Usual Cast: 18 Americans, specifically, one elderly woman and one old man (both caucasian), a token a black, a token asian (female most likely), at least one really fat person, one female with lots of attitude, one mischievous caucasian male of poor moral upbringing, and the rest will be strapping young lads between the ages 20-29, all white. Oh yea, and one of them will have a trendy and exciting career, like a Navy Seal, a soccer player, a cowboy or in this case, the FBI agent.
The Usual Season: People will emotionally attach themselves to the old people because they will show a lot of heart and determination as they pass through the 'physically strenuous' immunity challenges. You know, the ones where they have to walk over planks holding something in their hands, or stand in a stationary position for a long period of time. Tasks which coincidentally are not unlike your average shopping experience at Wal-Mart or the local supermarket. One of the old people will make it to the final 4, while the other will be on the council of disgruntled losers hoping for the best. The girl with attitude will also make it far, as although everyone hates her, nobody wishes to show that they're voting out of emotion, because that would spell their own demise in the weeks to follow. According to the trend, this is the time for the 'trendy career guy' to lose early on, i fear. Why? See if an FBI agent, who should possess most of the required skills to win, can't succeed in this 'incredibly intricate' game, then who really CAN? Questions like these provoke curiosity, and in turn viewership, and in turn sponsorship, which makes ABC, Global and the other syndicates happy. The black guy, who is usually shown to be lazy, but in this case is simply fat, will be out before the final four. His spot, sadly was already reserved for the pretty girl who, although weak at the knees, proves to be stronger then a chauvinist would expect. (Girl POWER!) So with the old person, the bitch, and the princess already in the top 4, the final spot will be captured by what I call, "the threat." This is the guy who seemingly poses a threat to all other contestants, but somehow stays alive everytime. Like the gay guy who struts around naked, or the cowboy or soccer player whose physical dominance is far beyond the others, and so on. The winner is always a surprise to me. Americans don't make much sense to me, and the winner is normally selected to make America happy, so I guess you'll all have to watch the last episode. I won't, I have no interest in it. The only thing about Survivor that I want to know is, "Where are the token Puerto Ricans at?"
Aside: Actually, the answer to that is simple. In America, immigration is like the first year of college. You have to go through a "hell week" where the rest of established Americans haze you and put you through shit and beat you, confine you, etc. until finally they accept you for no other reason then they have to. Except, this is more like a "hell 100 years or so" and instead of paddling a guy, or making him run around naked at a frat party, you hang a few of them, lock most of them up, make them run naked on an episode of COPS, force them all to find refuge in areas of poor social construct, and finally slow the process of their development by placing liquor stores, on every corner. And of course, low-income housing, convenience stores and poor drug enforcement all over the place helps too. With the new LCBO at morningside, and with the Beer Store smack in the middle of Malvern Mall, i wonder sometimes if Canada is any different.
Anyway, the Blacks and Irish have pretty much made it into the fraternity, they paid their dues, (we all saw Gangs of New York), let's see how long it takes to see an abundance of Mexicans on the Board of corporations, or lecturing at Universities. The point which I definitely strayed far away form is that as latin people in the states are still being hazed, the fine people at ABC are hardpressed to find a Latin Guy, hustling in the streets and living hand-to-mouth, that's willing to leave his 'career' to willingly starve himself, with no definite payout. It's kind of ridiculous.
I spent the hour thinking about this blog and typing it out, meanwhile, the Apprentice was on. The Apprentice I like!! But that's because it's new. And, the formula for picking the winner is always laid out during each episode, as Donald Trump chews out some people in the board room. There's minimal hipocracy in the selection process, no underlying formula for fooling viewers. Trump tells them why they've been sent 'down to the street!' That is to say, there's no hipocracy until it really matters. In the end, Mr. Trump aint going to hire the high school grad to run a multibillion dollar company. The entire board of directors, which the Winner will be in charge of, will have Graduate degrees. They won't take orders from who's never even attended a Finance lecture. And yet, he's not going to give an obvious advantage to the Ivy League Grad either, cuz the show would seem biased. And of course, the fine producers of Survivor are the same producers of this show as well, so you know the black girl is going to have a nasty attitude, and the Black guy is going to appear as though he has a fair chance of actually winning the show, when really he doesn't.
The Winner: I'll do a quick tutorial on what we business folks call 'hedging' or, securing yourself against risk. What you basically do is make investments on opposite sides of a market, so that no matter what happens, something will give you a payout. So you might invest in fine imported pasta AND Kraft dinner, so that whether the economy is booming or not, one of your investments is probably doing well in sales. In the case of selecting a winner, if you're taking bets, this is the best scenario for hedging, as there can only be 2 winners. Either, a) the guy who has the most chizled jawline, best golf-swing, and non-abrasive attitude;
or b) The 2nd hottest chick on the show!
-A guy won last time, so if you're conservative, place a bit more money on the chick winning this time. It wouldn't be profitable to ABC or to Trump's businesses to face media-based allegations that only males rise to the top on the Apprentice!
So all-in-all, TV sucks but we've got sattelite at my place. I watch Soccer, the Movie Network (and other movie channels), and teletoon for Family Guy and Home Movies... oh yea, and now they're showing The Flintstones!!! Out of "600 channels," which is actually about 200 channels, which minus the french channels and time-shifting channels is about 150 channels... I watch, about, 5-10 channels... *sigh* What happened to the good old days?
Cheers,
Me
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Blog #40
I should say that I'm feeling distress. I think to myself of all the things in life that can go wrong. It's natural and in some cases inevitable for things to fall down; why, it's fundamental thermodynamics! Right now life is feeling like that machine that I've been working on. The machine I brought through research and development right up until product testing. Here it is now on the workroom floor, and it's working! This is not a good feeling though. The more things start to work, the more I fear the things that can go wrong.
I should say that I've already said all this. I think either my last post or the post before that ran along the same lines. I owe it to myself and to the One who is helping the good times roll to stop bothering with this worry.
I should say more strongly that there is a part of me that feels that incidentally, by saying all of this, that I am almost making it hard for God to smite me. How can He smite one whom is in the process of paying homage to Him, after all? But I know full well that God, or the concept thereof, breaks through these notions of power struggles. He could smite me either way, whether I've made it 'hard' for Him or not. So I just want to make it clear that I'm not trying to contend with Him. I just want to absolve myself of this feeling of anxiety I have, so that I can go on with my life. The machine is working, but it's only on the ground floor. I still have to market it and unleash it on the world to reap in a profit, and then share that profit, and so forth.
I should say that it's good that God is not a man. Because a man would already be fed up with me. Calling him up during good times and bad just to talk, before 6pm no less. But there are just so many things I care about; so many people, myself primarily included. I just want everything to be fine, like in all those inspirational songs and ballads. I'm like that naive child on his birthday, wishing for world peace, ignoring the vast complexities of such a request. But I know, bad things will come, and I won't be prepared for them, I won't be expecting them, I won't know how to deal with them, they will cause me grief, and cause grief to others. It's a fact, but one that's just so hard to face with a chin up!
I shouldn't even make my worries a matter of theology. I just feel that I'm powerless to control the myriad of things about which I care so dearly. And so, this causes me to seek the aid of the most powerful Ally I could possibly ask for.
I should end this discussion, unsheath myself from this veil of uncertainty and face tomorrow with the same faith that has carried me through my life to date. People say that in this generation we don't have faith, but we do. We wake up every morning less concerned about the simple but most important things, like whether we'll even wake up tomorrow. We have faith in the reliability of things, and that faith grows with every passing day. But to truly grab hold of this faith, it takes moments like these where you sincerely question this reliability.
I should say that I've already said all this. I think either my last post or the post before that ran along the same lines. I owe it to myself and to the One who is helping the good times roll to stop bothering with this worry.
I should say more strongly that there is a part of me that feels that incidentally, by saying all of this, that I am almost making it hard for God to smite me. How can He smite one whom is in the process of paying homage to Him, after all? But I know full well that God, or the concept thereof, breaks through these notions of power struggles. He could smite me either way, whether I've made it 'hard' for Him or not. So I just want to make it clear that I'm not trying to contend with Him. I just want to absolve myself of this feeling of anxiety I have, so that I can go on with my life. The machine is working, but it's only on the ground floor. I still have to market it and unleash it on the world to reap in a profit, and then share that profit, and so forth.
I should say that it's good that God is not a man. Because a man would already be fed up with me. Calling him up during good times and bad just to talk, before 6pm no less. But there are just so many things I care about; so many people, myself primarily included. I just want everything to be fine, like in all those inspirational songs and ballads. I'm like that naive child on his birthday, wishing for world peace, ignoring the vast complexities of such a request. But I know, bad things will come, and I won't be prepared for them, I won't be expecting them, I won't know how to deal with them, they will cause me grief, and cause grief to others. It's a fact, but one that's just so hard to face with a chin up!
I shouldn't even make my worries a matter of theology. I just feel that I'm powerless to control the myriad of things about which I care so dearly. And so, this causes me to seek the aid of the most powerful Ally I could possibly ask for.
I should end this discussion, unsheath myself from this veil of uncertainty and face tomorrow with the same faith that has carried me through my life to date. People say that in this generation we don't have faith, but we do. We wake up every morning less concerned about the simple but most important things, like whether we'll even wake up tomorrow. We have faith in the reliability of things, and that faith grows with every passing day. But to truly grab hold of this faith, it takes moments like these where you sincerely question this reliability.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Of life and love...
I have to add something to a previous post of mine. I once argued for the necessary existence of God, by showing that there are indeed some things in our universe that are uncontrollable by mankind, or any form of living entities. Things that could only be controlled by an ultimate Controller of sorts. I painted a pretty bleek picture of the usefulness of the human will, but I must add that I believe greatly in the power of the human spirit. I hope and pray that the combined will of man can indeed affect things in ways that we're not aware of. I guess what I'm saying is that I hope and pray that my hopes and prayers are as useful as I feel they are. It just seems to me that we can hope and pray for a lot of things, but they don't all come true. So there must be something else, something more. Maybe it's simply the case that the will of man falls subject to the will of God. That being said...
Dick Advocaat's a crappy coach. Holland should rehire Rijkaard. That's all I got to say about Euro 2004.
After an intense philosophical debate with myself, I came upon a question: What would I prefer, life or happiness? A false dichotomy for most, but all the same, what would you choose if you had to? I think I'm still at a point in my life where I'd have to pick life. Were it to be the case that my life could be extended in length, while each day were to be proportionally less joyful, I wouldn't mind it. I suppose those are the sad words of the truly happy, but still, there's so much more I want to do before it's all over. And yet, when I feel sad, it has not been uncommon for me to say things like, "I hate my life!" or to suggest that I would even forfeit a few days of my life, for nothing else then for a few days of happiness. In a way, we all prove to hold this philosophy; eating tasty but unhealthy foods, smoking, drinking, and doing all the other things that will most certainly take a day or 2 off the lifeline without much care. I mean really, who's never had a little too much cheesecake for 1 night. Getting back to the point, it seems that in general, when u're happy, u want more life and care less about happiness, and when u're sad, u want happiness and care less about life. Maybe the grass is just greener on the other side.
Or then again, as most of us simply wish to lead a long AND happy life, then maybe the real truth is simply that when u're happy you focus on the longevity part of life, but when u're sad (but seemingly healthy) u focus on the happiness part. Which makes my previous philosophical exploration fruitless. Note to self, think about philosophy, earlier on in the night from now on. Damn, i've been at this for 40 minutes? Why say more? Save it for tomorrow.
Dick Advocaat's a crappy coach. Holland should rehire Rijkaard. That's all I got to say about Euro 2004.
After an intense philosophical debate with myself, I came upon a question: What would I prefer, life or happiness? A false dichotomy for most, but all the same, what would you choose if you had to? I think I'm still at a point in my life where I'd have to pick life. Were it to be the case that my life could be extended in length, while each day were to be proportionally less joyful, I wouldn't mind it. I suppose those are the sad words of the truly happy, but still, there's so much more I want to do before it's all over. And yet, when I feel sad, it has not been uncommon for me to say things like, "I hate my life!" or to suggest that I would even forfeit a few days of my life, for nothing else then for a few days of happiness. In a way, we all prove to hold this philosophy; eating tasty but unhealthy foods, smoking, drinking, and doing all the other things that will most certainly take a day or 2 off the lifeline without much care. I mean really, who's never had a little too much cheesecake for 1 night. Getting back to the point, it seems that in general, when u're happy, u want more life and care less about happiness, and when u're sad, u want happiness and care less about life. Maybe the grass is just greener on the other side.
Or then again, as most of us simply wish to lead a long AND happy life, then maybe the real truth is simply that when u're happy you focus on the longevity part of life, but when u're sad (but seemingly healthy) u focus on the happiness part. Which makes my previous philosophical exploration fruitless. Note to self, think about philosophy, earlier on in the night from now on. Damn, i've been at this for 40 minutes? Why say more? Save it for tomorrow.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Reserved
I'm holding in my excitement now. I'm on my way to Portugal for a week. I'll get to see Holland play, up close and personal. And it's going to be an amazing game! They have to win. My holland jersey is packed away and ready to go! Orange all the way!
Last night was amazing. I went to a BBQ out in Jax at Stéph's. It was awesome. The whole night was awesome. I was in awe. Hence, it was awesome. I've never put that together before.... awe... awesome. In any case, I ought to finish packing now. Can't be late for the plane! Blog ya later!
Last night was amazing. I went to a BBQ out in Jax at Stéph's. It was awesome. The whole night was awesome. I was in awe. Hence, it was awesome. I've never put that together before.... awe... awesome. In any case, I ought to finish packing now. Can't be late for the plane! Blog ya later!
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
A new day
I'm 21. I'm in my twenties. I'm an adult. I'm of age. None of these facts have really hit me as yet. I don't feel any different. Although, I'm finding that I can't eat as much cheese as I once could. And when my feet hurt, they hurt for awhile! Beyond that, the entity known as Jamil is still in development. Though I suppose that will always be true. Life is an on-going series of manifestations, after all.
I wish I had anything else of importance to say. But really, I'm just avoiding work by siting here and typing out the lastest news. I'll resume blogging next week. If I can remember at all what happened over the weekend. The forecast is 3 nights straight of drinking. I hope it doesn't kill me, cuz I doubt it's going to make me stronger!
I wish I had anything else of importance to say. But really, I'm just avoiding work by siting here and typing out the lastest news. I'll resume blogging next week. If I can remember at all what happened over the weekend. The forecast is 3 nights straight of drinking. I hope it doesn't kill me, cuz I doubt it's going to make me stronger!
Monday, May 24, 2004
It's been a long long time
So it took awhile, but finally a lot of weight has been taken off my shoulders. I got out of traffic ticket, and I couldn't be happier about it. I feel like OJ Simpson! I just hope there's no pending civil trial ahead for me. The paralegal I hired costed more then the ticket, but hey he saved me hundreds in years to come of inflated insurance. So now, I can really enjoy my summer.
The last month has been crazy, with SCAA stuff, moving, pick up soccer, moving, cottaging, moving, and work. I'm unemployed again, (raw!) and I need money. So I think I'm gonna go get a nice even tan, and then head downtown and start selling my body. A fitting career choice I suppose, I was baptized on Jarvis street, so the nights spent on the streets might be a pilgramage of sorts. The new house is looking aright! I'm definitely feeling the idea of having my own little bachelor pad in the basement, it's gonna be a sweet setup. Adolescent plans of moving out right after university have changed to moving out maybe a year to a year and a half after graduation. All I need now is a plasma TV and a special lady to make the bachelor pad complete! Or, at least the plasma.
I'm loving the feeling of not having homework, and not having to read. I'm already kind of excited to get back to school in september, it's gonna be so much easier after this nice break. And to think I've been off school for less then a month. I've gotta plan out my next 2 years before I get back tho, now that I'm out of co-op and I've added a minor to my specialist, I don't think I have room for a single elective course.
So what's on my mind? Nothing. I am man, hear me belch! I definitely have to get back to some reading this summer and get me a little philosophical stimulation. I bought a collection of Dostoevsky's short stories, so that should hold me for awhile. But all of that will be after the move. Right now it's all about moving, soccer and fun, then after Euro 2004, I'll get back into the groove of academia and so forth.
A thought crossed my mind during the 2 days leading up to my court date. See my paralegal advised me not to come to the trial because it would hinder his capacity to defend me, so I didn't. So filled with emotion I started to think about how my fate was entirely out of my hands. So I started to think, how does one who denies the existence of God, or any necessary being explain that which we cannot control? As my fate was almost entirely to be decided by the actions of others (the cop, the judge, etc.) I would say that for the most part, the fate of every man can be decided by the actions of others. What then, is the fate of mankind as a whole to be decided by? Who holds that power? We could argue until we're blue in the face that the fate of mankind is determined only by mankind itself, and suggest that humans together share the responsibility of each others fate, and that man therefore creates his own destiny, at the very least collectively. But that's not very substantial. Tomorrow I could get eaten by a wild tiger, or a flaming asteroid could destroy us all, and all the power and might of the human will would have nothing to say about it. What then would explain such random acts other then some sort of ultimate Designer, like God? Or woudld acts liked these best be described as simply unexplainable?
That would mean that we have to accept unexplainable random acts as a brute fact. Why then should we need any explanation for the existence of a necessary being like God? Such a being, who transcends all notions, should surely not need an explanation, when a simple concept like randomness by definition transcends all explanations. Should we not then accept the existence of God as a brute fact?
All ontological arguments aside, there is a God, and he did me a pretty big solid when he got me out of that ticket! So ladies, make way for me and my love bus, i'm back on the streets!
The last month has been crazy, with SCAA stuff, moving, pick up soccer, moving, cottaging, moving, and work. I'm unemployed again, (raw!) and I need money. So I think I'm gonna go get a nice even tan, and then head downtown and start selling my body. A fitting career choice I suppose, I was baptized on Jarvis street, so the nights spent on the streets might be a pilgramage of sorts. The new house is looking aright! I'm definitely feeling the idea of having my own little bachelor pad in the basement, it's gonna be a sweet setup. Adolescent plans of moving out right after university have changed to moving out maybe a year to a year and a half after graduation. All I need now is a plasma TV and a special lady to make the bachelor pad complete! Or, at least the plasma.
I'm loving the feeling of not having homework, and not having to read. I'm already kind of excited to get back to school in september, it's gonna be so much easier after this nice break. And to think I've been off school for less then a month. I've gotta plan out my next 2 years before I get back tho, now that I'm out of co-op and I've added a minor to my specialist, I don't think I have room for a single elective course.
So what's on my mind? Nothing. I am man, hear me belch! I definitely have to get back to some reading this summer and get me a little philosophical stimulation. I bought a collection of Dostoevsky's short stories, so that should hold me for awhile. But all of that will be after the move. Right now it's all about moving, soccer and fun, then after Euro 2004, I'll get back into the groove of academia and so forth.
A thought crossed my mind during the 2 days leading up to my court date. See my paralegal advised me not to come to the trial because it would hinder his capacity to defend me, so I didn't. So filled with emotion I started to think about how my fate was entirely out of my hands. So I started to think, how does one who denies the existence of God, or any necessary being explain that which we cannot control? As my fate was almost entirely to be decided by the actions of others (the cop, the judge, etc.) I would say that for the most part, the fate of every man can be decided by the actions of others. What then, is the fate of mankind as a whole to be decided by? Who holds that power? We could argue until we're blue in the face that the fate of mankind is determined only by mankind itself, and suggest that humans together share the responsibility of each others fate, and that man therefore creates his own destiny, at the very least collectively. But that's not very substantial. Tomorrow I could get eaten by a wild tiger, or a flaming asteroid could destroy us all, and all the power and might of the human will would have nothing to say about it. What then would explain such random acts other then some sort of ultimate Designer, like God? Or woudld acts liked these best be described as simply unexplainable?
That would mean that we have to accept unexplainable random acts as a brute fact. Why then should we need any explanation for the existence of a necessary being like God? Such a being, who transcends all notions, should surely not need an explanation, when a simple concept like randomness by definition transcends all explanations. Should we not then accept the existence of God as a brute fact?
All ontological arguments aside, there is a God, and he did me a pretty big solid when he got me out of that ticket! So ladies, make way for me and my love bus, i'm back on the streets!
Friday, April 30, 2004
Omega I
You know, if Brittany had stronger vocals, i'ld say her song "Everytime" was pretty good. But then again, that's probably because it's almost entirely like Janet Jackson's "Everytime" from a few years ago. And they're both naked in a tub of water in their videos. I think directors are running out of ideas.
Well it's over. 20 months straight of school, and finally i can take a break. It didn't end with a bang, but with a thud; the combined resonance of my pen hitting the desk and my confidence hitting the floor. Lesson learned, i suppose. How dear I assume that doing every single question offered to us for practice, tutorial and otherwise, twice, 3 times, and some even four times, how dear I assume that was enough?
Everything looks so far away now. Goals seem less easily attainable.
Life is a lot like love I find. With love, I find that it's lost once you utter its name. With life, I find that once you feel you have a firm grip on it, it slips through your fingers. Neither life nor love are yours to control, all you can do is try to play with them.
I was just thinking. I do everything to make someone proud of me. What have I done to make me proud of myself? The mere fact that I pose that question is sad enough, who needs an answer?
Anyway, Viva Summer.
Well it's over. 20 months straight of school, and finally i can take a break. It didn't end with a bang, but with a thud; the combined resonance of my pen hitting the desk and my confidence hitting the floor. Lesson learned, i suppose. How dear I assume that doing every single question offered to us for practice, tutorial and otherwise, twice, 3 times, and some even four times, how dear I assume that was enough?
Everything looks so far away now. Goals seem less easily attainable.
Life is a lot like love I find. With love, I find that it's lost once you utter its name. With life, I find that once you feel you have a firm grip on it, it slips through your fingers. Neither life nor love are yours to control, all you can do is try to play with them.
I was just thinking. I do everything to make someone proud of me. What have I done to make me proud of myself? The mere fact that I pose that question is sad enough, who needs an answer?
Anyway, Viva Summer.
Friday, April 09, 2004
T-21
For the next 21 days it will be all about studying, exams, and work. I must refuse to blog or partake in any distractions from the previous three tasks. The only exceptions to this were pre-planned and have been accounted for. I have nothing to say of school, it's time for action. I have nothing to say of myself, for my last few bogs have been introspective enough, and as my last suggest, who gives a damn anyway?
I got an idea for a book the other day. I was going to call it, False Dichotemy. Sort of a look at the greatest False Dichotemies to impact the minds of mankind, both positively and negatively. The idea would be heavily philosophical though. There's limited demand for the subject matter, it would never get published. So there's obvious work to be done.
That's all for now. April 30th will be the first day of the rest of my life! Until then.
I got an idea for a book the other day. I was going to call it, False Dichotemy. Sort of a look at the greatest False Dichotemies to impact the minds of mankind, both positively and negatively. The idea would be heavily philosophical though. There's limited demand for the subject matter, it would never get published. So there's obvious work to be done.
That's all for now. April 30th will be the first day of the rest of my life! Until then.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Empty Slate
I'm exausted. School is done. Technically only classes have finished, the studying is yet to begin. I have about 20 days to prove that I am indeed a metaphysician, and 27 days to prove that I am an advanced microeconomist. I'm hardly going to have to put the same degree of effort into my other 2 courses. By May I will be finished 12/20th of my undergraduate degree. This summer is going to be a well-anticipated break.
I lost part of my soul. I lost it awhile ago, but I've become aware of it just lately. The freeflowing artistic side of me is lost. I can't find the cap to my pen, and for some reason that frustrates me to no end. I don't dream like I used to, these days I just visualize. Every now and then my mind will play out a completely unexpected scenario between me and my friends - the other day i think a bunch of us went ice fishing or something - but that seems to be the extent of my imagination. I remember when I was younger, the world had so many different colours. Now everything looks the same. I should start wearing shades; then maybe I'd have an excuse for failing to see beauty in the world. I might as well be watching my life on an old black and white television. Even then there would be a sharp and obvious contrast between images. My vision is even more drab: an even blend of dreary colours, a smeered blur of reality, not unlike pencil shavings smudged againsts a dark wooden table.
Lately I've been reading words in books and on sheets and just getting them wrong. I was scared that maybe I had a small form of dyslexia. My eyes would pass over words like, i dunno, quota, and I'd read quato. I hope that I'm just really tired, and that I don't have an illness. I can't paint, play the piano, sing or dance terribly well. I only ask that I be left alone with my capacity for word manipulation.
Left alone is the operative phrase. I'm not really sure who gives a damn about what I have to say. I'm not even sure if I do anymore. I've been busy lately. But that's only part of the reason why I don't blog as much. It has mostly been because I haven't had much to say. Correction, I haven't had anything important to say. A lifetime goal of mine is to produce a literary work of great impact. I haven't decided what it's going to be about yet, and i'm never going to be able to decide if I don't get over thinking that what I have to say is unimportant. My closest friends often come to me in times of frustration, not for advice, but for some perspective. Advice would necessarily involve experience, and I know nothing of how to be a girl. Regardless, I'm the guy to talk to in times of need. One would think then that what I have to say has some merit. But at the end of the day what I have to say is hardly important, the words are lost in time. My words reduce to nothing more then the temporary feelings they offer; the laughter they envoke, or my compassion and simpathy. I often find myself saying, "I told you that, remember?" Unless what I said was in the form of an anecdote, I often find myself hearing, "Naw, i swear you never said that" in response. The words are lost in time.
Perhaps that is why I enjoy philosophy classes. They give me an outlet to take a situation, and with nothing but my words, I offer my perspective, and generally, my ideas are valued. And maybe that is why I ever blog at all, and maybe that's why I want to write a book; so that my words won't be lost in time for good.
I lost part of my soul. I lost it awhile ago, but I've become aware of it just lately. The freeflowing artistic side of me is lost. I can't find the cap to my pen, and for some reason that frustrates me to no end. I don't dream like I used to, these days I just visualize. Every now and then my mind will play out a completely unexpected scenario between me and my friends - the other day i think a bunch of us went ice fishing or something - but that seems to be the extent of my imagination. I remember when I was younger, the world had so many different colours. Now everything looks the same. I should start wearing shades; then maybe I'd have an excuse for failing to see beauty in the world. I might as well be watching my life on an old black and white television. Even then there would be a sharp and obvious contrast between images. My vision is even more drab: an even blend of dreary colours, a smeered blur of reality, not unlike pencil shavings smudged againsts a dark wooden table.
Lately I've been reading words in books and on sheets and just getting them wrong. I was scared that maybe I had a small form of dyslexia. My eyes would pass over words like, i dunno, quota, and I'd read quato. I hope that I'm just really tired, and that I don't have an illness. I can't paint, play the piano, sing or dance terribly well. I only ask that I be left alone with my capacity for word manipulation.
Left alone is the operative phrase. I'm not really sure who gives a damn about what I have to say. I'm not even sure if I do anymore. I've been busy lately. But that's only part of the reason why I don't blog as much. It has mostly been because I haven't had much to say. Correction, I haven't had anything important to say. A lifetime goal of mine is to produce a literary work of great impact. I haven't decided what it's going to be about yet, and i'm never going to be able to decide if I don't get over thinking that what I have to say is unimportant. My closest friends often come to me in times of frustration, not for advice, but for some perspective. Advice would necessarily involve experience, and I know nothing of how to be a girl. Regardless, I'm the guy to talk to in times of need. One would think then that what I have to say has some merit. But at the end of the day what I have to say is hardly important, the words are lost in time. My words reduce to nothing more then the temporary feelings they offer; the laughter they envoke, or my compassion and simpathy. I often find myself saying, "I told you that, remember?" Unless what I said was in the form of an anecdote, I often find myself hearing, "Naw, i swear you never said that" in response. The words are lost in time.
Perhaps that is why I enjoy philosophy classes. They give me an outlet to take a situation, and with nothing but my words, I offer my perspective, and generally, my ideas are valued. And maybe that is why I ever blog at all, and maybe that's why I want to write a book; so that my words won't be lost in time for good.
Saturday, March 20, 2004
March 02 - March 20
I should be finishing my data analysis project. This is the last project I really have to worry about before exams. I have a philosophy paper left, but it shouldn't be too hard.
I dropped finance. Probably the smartest move of my academic career. I'm tired of rushing through university and not getting the grades. At first i thought nothing of the fact that I have been dubbed a 3rd year student by UofT already. Then it hit me. Half of it is already over. I'm halfway through university. The marks matter more then ever before. So the plan is to take the summer off this year and just work, hopefully. Either I get a job through co-op, make some cash and get some experience then drop out of co-op after, or if I don't get a job, then drop out of co-op now and find work on my own. Regardless, I want to focus on school from here on. As of now it seems more likely that I would persue my masters in economics then get my MBA, so keeping up the grades is more important then 'gaining experience' in the field of office administration. It's at a point now where I can very easily justify an exit from co-op but I can't justify my reasons for having stayed in it for so long.
We lost in the semi-finals for intramural soccer. Just like in outdoor. Well, last year we lost in the quarter-finals, so i guess I can can at least appreciate the forward trend. Interhouse is going to entail a difficult playoff campaign, but we'll win. My position as VP Finance SCAA is almost secure. I don't think anyone is running against me. Such is my prowess at school! That'll be good for the resumé, and might make me a few extra bucks.
I finally saw Busta Rhymes in concert. It was amazing. It was everything I dreamed it would've been, except for the part where he calls me up on stage to spit the lyrics to "Party is goin on over here" with him. He never did that. But the concert was awesome nonetheless. My brother and I are content now. That's something that was on both of our "Lifetime To-do's" list. I can't put it into words how great it was, but it lit a fire under me. That concert was a well needed pit-stop for me. Now I have enough gas for the remaining laps.
I didn't exactly ask the girl out myself in person this time. I got my friend to feel her out. Nonetheless, today was the day for rejection #4. It's official, she doesn't like me. So I'm more or less 0 for 4, so to speak. (Although, I eventually had a few brief flings with rejection #3, but that came much later). It's funny, That's all I have to say about it really.
I dropped finance. Probably the smartest move of my academic career. I'm tired of rushing through university and not getting the grades. At first i thought nothing of the fact that I have been dubbed a 3rd year student by UofT already. Then it hit me. Half of it is already over. I'm halfway through university. The marks matter more then ever before. So the plan is to take the summer off this year and just work, hopefully. Either I get a job through co-op, make some cash and get some experience then drop out of co-op after, or if I don't get a job, then drop out of co-op now and find work on my own. Regardless, I want to focus on school from here on. As of now it seems more likely that I would persue my masters in economics then get my MBA, so keeping up the grades is more important then 'gaining experience' in the field of office administration. It's at a point now where I can very easily justify an exit from co-op but I can't justify my reasons for having stayed in it for so long.
We lost in the semi-finals for intramural soccer. Just like in outdoor. Well, last year we lost in the quarter-finals, so i guess I can can at least appreciate the forward trend. Interhouse is going to entail a difficult playoff campaign, but we'll win. My position as VP Finance SCAA is almost secure. I don't think anyone is running against me. Such is my prowess at school! That'll be good for the resumé, and might make me a few extra bucks.
I finally saw Busta Rhymes in concert. It was amazing. It was everything I dreamed it would've been, except for the part where he calls me up on stage to spit the lyrics to "Party is goin on over here" with him. He never did that. But the concert was awesome nonetheless. My brother and I are content now. That's something that was on both of our "Lifetime To-do's" list. I can't put it into words how great it was, but it lit a fire under me. That concert was a well needed pit-stop for me. Now I have enough gas for the remaining laps.
I didn't exactly ask the girl out myself in person this time. I got my friend to feel her out. Nonetheless, today was the day for rejection #4. It's official, she doesn't like me. So I'm more or less 0 for 4, so to speak. (Although, I eventually had a few brief flings with rejection #3, but that came much later). It's funny, That's all I have to say about it really.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Phase II
So it's march. It turns out that everything is due really soon! I don't know where I'm going to find the will to get it all done, nevermind the time! This will probably be my last blog for awhile, cuz it's down to business starting today!
The last few days have been pretty turbulent. May I digress?
The Ups:
-The snow is melting, and I can just feel that spring is around the corner. Or possibly around the corner after the next corner. We're bound to get one last snowfall. Over the weekend, I cleaned out the lovebus. All aboard!
-I saw Passion of Christ. This move had the power to unite those of a religions disposition, and those who desire severe bloodshed in a film. It had everything except a car chase. Tho there was that scene where the kids were chasing peter up the mountain. (The kids were like the demons within peter, forcing him up the mountain metaphorically, to the point where he would choose to hang himself for betraying the Boss.) The movie was filed with symbolism. I'm not sure what all the hoopla behind this movie was about. It's not like there was a segment where Mel Gibson comes out and says, "Damn Jews, see what they did?" He really just told the story as it was. It hardly suggests that Jews in general are to blame. The only one to defend Jesus as he carried the cross through the village was a Jew. Really, I applaud Mel Gibson and his team for not sugar-coating the story. The story of Christ deserves no less.
-I got 2 new jerseys. 4 Jerseys for $120 bucks. 2 for me, 2 for the bro. And to think I used to pay the same for 1.
The Downs:
-My love situation (see previous blog) seems damn near impossible now. I'm not sure how I'm going to ask this girl out now. It's a sticky situation indeed. I'm officially in the quicksand stage. The more I put effort into trying and make a relationship out of this friendship, the harder it gets to actually do so. I absolutely refuse to make things weird between us, cuz she's a wicked friend, so I figure I'm gonna have to lay it on her soon, so I don't end up being that guy. You know the guy: "(He) and (girl) were friends for so long, and all of a sudden (he) started liking (girl), but (girl) didn't feel the same way, and now the friendship is just not the same." I think I should've made a move earlier, but that's nothing more then retrospect. I honestly have no plan of action now. I was thinking of asking her out to an event in April, but I don't think so anymore. Plus a friend of mine asked me if I would go with her. I figure why not. At least that way I don't gotta buy the 2nd ticket.
-My cheapness is not even a joke anymore. I officially have less then $100 to my name. After I collect on what my brother owes me Mastercard will be satisfied. Then I shall commence the hand-to-mouth lifestyle until around april when I start working.
-Today I made up a motto for co-op: "May the best woman win." This dude I know has a CGPA of 3.6. And he's a nice guy and all of that; he totally has 'hire me' written all over him, but it's not happening. A very large percentage of the jobs are geared towards women, and the selection process is bothersome. I always thought, "well if marks aren't the important thing (cuz 3.6 guy can't get nothing) and the skills and personality aren't the important thing (considering so many other people are getting punked) then what's the rationale for job selection!" I know a guy, who knows the guy who does recruiting at one of the firms I applied to (for 11 different jobs). His selection process was, "I know she's stupid on paper, but she's an asian girl, I have to meet her!" So I don't think i'm getting a job. Which means back to looking for work on my own for me! (Aside: Asian fever bites me in the ass from every different angle!)
-Someone stole my bag. In my bag was my keyboard. I miss my keyboard. I'm buying a new one, it's wireless. But still, I will forever miss that feeling I would get when I'd open up my supercool engineered-to-perfection keyboard! I felt like James Bond, i did. The wireless one should be snazzy too though.
You know, more has happeend. A lot more. But I have to be up early tomorrow. Really, Phase II has already begun. I'll probably resurface into the world of blogging and self-reflection in a few weeks, after i hand in those last assignments and write that last mid-term.
The last few days have been pretty turbulent. May I digress?
The Ups:
-The snow is melting, and I can just feel that spring is around the corner. Or possibly around the corner after the next corner. We're bound to get one last snowfall. Over the weekend, I cleaned out the lovebus. All aboard!
-I saw Passion of Christ. This move had the power to unite those of a religions disposition, and those who desire severe bloodshed in a film. It had everything except a car chase. Tho there was that scene where the kids were chasing peter up the mountain. (The kids were like the demons within peter, forcing him up the mountain metaphorically, to the point where he would choose to hang himself for betraying the Boss.) The movie was filed with symbolism. I'm not sure what all the hoopla behind this movie was about. It's not like there was a segment where Mel Gibson comes out and says, "Damn Jews, see what they did?" He really just told the story as it was. It hardly suggests that Jews in general are to blame. The only one to defend Jesus as he carried the cross through the village was a Jew. Really, I applaud Mel Gibson and his team for not sugar-coating the story. The story of Christ deserves no less.
-I got 2 new jerseys. 4 Jerseys for $120 bucks. 2 for me, 2 for the bro. And to think I used to pay the same for 1.
The Downs:
-My love situation (see previous blog) seems damn near impossible now. I'm not sure how I'm going to ask this girl out now. It's a sticky situation indeed. I'm officially in the quicksand stage. The more I put effort into trying and make a relationship out of this friendship, the harder it gets to actually do so. I absolutely refuse to make things weird between us, cuz she's a wicked friend, so I figure I'm gonna have to lay it on her soon, so I don't end up being that guy. You know the guy: "(He) and (girl) were friends for so long, and all of a sudden (he) started liking (girl), but (girl) didn't feel the same way, and now the friendship is just not the same." I think I should've made a move earlier, but that's nothing more then retrospect. I honestly have no plan of action now. I was thinking of asking her out to an event in April, but I don't think so anymore. Plus a friend of mine asked me if I would go with her. I figure why not. At least that way I don't gotta buy the 2nd ticket.
-My cheapness is not even a joke anymore. I officially have less then $100 to my name. After I collect on what my brother owes me Mastercard will be satisfied. Then I shall commence the hand-to-mouth lifestyle until around april when I start working.
-Today I made up a motto for co-op: "May the best woman win." This dude I know has a CGPA of 3.6. And he's a nice guy and all of that; he totally has 'hire me' written all over him, but it's not happening. A very large percentage of the jobs are geared towards women, and the selection process is bothersome. I always thought, "well if marks aren't the important thing (cuz 3.6 guy can't get nothing) and the skills and personality aren't the important thing (considering so many other people are getting punked) then what's the rationale for job selection!" I know a guy, who knows the guy who does recruiting at one of the firms I applied to (for 11 different jobs). His selection process was, "I know she's stupid on paper, but she's an asian girl, I have to meet her!" So I don't think i'm getting a job. Which means back to looking for work on my own for me! (Aside: Asian fever bites me in the ass from every different angle!)
-Someone stole my bag. In my bag was my keyboard. I miss my keyboard. I'm buying a new one, it's wireless. But still, I will forever miss that feeling I would get when I'd open up my supercool engineered-to-perfection keyboard! I felt like James Bond, i did. The wireless one should be snazzy too though.
You know, more has happeend. A lot more. But I have to be up early tomorrow. Really, Phase II has already begun. I'll probably resurface into the world of blogging and self-reflection in a few weeks, after i hand in those last assignments and write that last mid-term.
Friday, February 27, 2004
I must confess
I'm a sucker. I have an exam on saturday. I've been trying all day to bring myself to get down to some studying. It hasn't happened. I had this plan of holding off on thinking about life and all of that until after my exam. It was a logical choice. It would seem that the human spirit does transcend the realm of logic.
So, there was this girl I was crazy about last year. Cute little thing. Short, sweet, pretty face, and a cute little chinese accent. The other day I was studying at school and saw her with her boyfriend. I had always visualized him as being some sort of rich stud. Maybe he's rich, but he's no stud. This at first bothered me to no end. "Oh C'mon!!" i said to myself. If i'm going to get passed over by the pretty girls, at least let them pass me over for a dude with a 6-pack and features that seem to be carved out of stone. I thought maybe I was blinded by rage when I first saw him. So I sent out a female scout to verify that he was not very attractive. Sufficed to say, this situation inspired a few moments of self-reflection.
I've rationalized that a black guy trying to get with an asian girl is comparably hard to a black guy trying to get a discount at Pacific Mall. It can be done, and it has been done (even once by me) but it's not an easy task. (Aside: I mean to say I once got with an asian girl; I am yet to get a discount at pacific mall!) The novelty of having a jamaican love machine like myself is well and good, but no financially dependent chinese girl wants to be publicly disowned by their parents. (Aside again: Actually, I did once get a few bucks off some video games at pacific, but that was more of a frequent-customer thing).
So I figured, my choice was clear. Either I find a really young, short-sighted asian girl with enough contempt for her parents to risk being disowned, or I find an older, lonely asian lady who could care less about parental disownership. Let's ignore for now that my choice was a false dichotomy; the goal was to find an asian girl. My dentist's assitant is kind of hot, and I think she was coming on to me about a year ago when I still had braces, but I hear she has a kid. So to that I quote Disco Stu in saying, "Back away, another day!" Young girls piss me off, period. I could never date the young and naive type. So it seemed as though I was screwed, and destined to live the celibate life. I considered joining the church, but the bible is such a big read and I've already got enough to read at school. Dazed and confused from my situation, I had a moment of clarity, and finally asked myself what I should've been asking myself all along: "Who do I really want to be with?" My reply, "Nobody."
Things aren't as bleek as I would have them seem tho. From that moment, I've come to realise that my attraction for many girls are a lot more ingenuine then I would've thought before. I accept this comforting fact with open arms. The next best thing to knowledge is clarity of mind. With a clear mind I have started to grow genuine feelings for someone. Yes indeed, today's forcast calls for seasons of love! And now I think I'm actually man enough to let myself fall in love with her. March is around the corner, and where I come from, this time of year tends to call for rainfall more then it calls for seasons of flourishing. Sloppy metaphors aside, it does seem as though I have quite the battle ahead of me - I await the challenge. Persistence is key for this sort of thing, and I'm always good to go again!
So, there was this girl I was crazy about last year. Cute little thing. Short, sweet, pretty face, and a cute little chinese accent. The other day I was studying at school and saw her with her boyfriend. I had always visualized him as being some sort of rich stud. Maybe he's rich, but he's no stud. This at first bothered me to no end. "Oh C'mon!!" i said to myself. If i'm going to get passed over by the pretty girls, at least let them pass me over for a dude with a 6-pack and features that seem to be carved out of stone. I thought maybe I was blinded by rage when I first saw him. So I sent out a female scout to verify that he was not very attractive. Sufficed to say, this situation inspired a few moments of self-reflection.
I've rationalized that a black guy trying to get with an asian girl is comparably hard to a black guy trying to get a discount at Pacific Mall. It can be done, and it has been done (even once by me) but it's not an easy task. (Aside: I mean to say I once got with an asian girl; I am yet to get a discount at pacific mall!) The novelty of having a jamaican love machine like myself is well and good, but no financially dependent chinese girl wants to be publicly disowned by their parents. (Aside again: Actually, I did once get a few bucks off some video games at pacific, but that was more of a frequent-customer thing).
So I figured, my choice was clear. Either I find a really young, short-sighted asian girl with enough contempt for her parents to risk being disowned, or I find an older, lonely asian lady who could care less about parental disownership. Let's ignore for now that my choice was a false dichotomy; the goal was to find an asian girl. My dentist's assitant is kind of hot, and I think she was coming on to me about a year ago when I still had braces, but I hear she has a kid. So to that I quote Disco Stu in saying, "Back away, another day!" Young girls piss me off, period. I could never date the young and naive type. So it seemed as though I was screwed, and destined to live the celibate life. I considered joining the church, but the bible is such a big read and I've already got enough to read at school. Dazed and confused from my situation, I had a moment of clarity, and finally asked myself what I should've been asking myself all along: "Who do I really want to be with?" My reply, "Nobody."
Things aren't as bleek as I would have them seem tho. From that moment, I've come to realise that my attraction for many girls are a lot more ingenuine then I would've thought before. I accept this comforting fact with open arms. The next best thing to knowledge is clarity of mind. With a clear mind I have started to grow genuine feelings for someone. Yes indeed, today's forcast calls for seasons of love! And now I think I'm actually man enough to let myself fall in love with her. March is around the corner, and where I come from, this time of year tends to call for rainfall more then it calls for seasons of flourishing. Sloppy metaphors aside, it does seem as though I have quite the battle ahead of me - I await the challenge. Persistence is key for this sort of thing, and I'm always good to go again!
Sunday, February 22, 2004
The end, the beginning
Reading week is over. I'm so tired. I've hardly slept. Arguably this has been the most eventful break of my life. Between attending tax seminars on minimal sleep, hitting the clubs, hitting the sauce, nursing drunken friends, aiding the romantically challenged, and eating like only North Americans cans, I gotta say I'm at least happy with the way the week went. No time for complaining about school or my romantic situation. Gotta Study!
Friday, February 13, 2004
You know, it's weird
Valentine's is rolling around. And I'm kinda happy. I like not having a girlfriend, cuz I've got no cash. I think mastercard is going to have someone come to my house and break my thumbs in about a month. They'll probably charge his services to my account too.
Normally when this time of year rolled around, I'd go from happy to sad to happy again. I'd have to stand all of the couples strutting their stuff, arrogantly asking me what my plans were for valentine's day. I used to love hearing that. "I figure I'll wake up, go to school, then during lunchtime I'll find a girlfriend, and fall in love, then invest my remaining lunch money in some stocks, make a few thousand bucks then sell the stocks before closing, then use the money I made to take my newfound girlfriend for a night of opera in Sydney cuz it's just that easy!" is what I'd sarcastically say in my head. That normally would translate to, "I dunno, what're you doin?" After 2 or 3 similar siutations, I'd be feelin bitter and alone, but then I'd feel good again as I'd walk through the halls listening to girls bitching about how valentine's day is shit, and they wouldn't even care about it if they had a man. "Yea right" i'd chuckle to myself, and that would always put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
This year's different, I just feel bad. But not cuz I'm not with anyone. It's cuz there's nobody I want to be with. There's 1 or 2 girls I'ld like to be with, but nobody that I just have to be with. It kinda sucks. I feel like i've lost my drive (not my sex drive, I'm always lookin for somewhere to park my car for the night) but my day-to-day drive. Thinking about hot girls used to be a refreshing break from studying. Now I think about, school and soccer and my life and crap. It feels weird having legitimate concerns. What ever happened to those days when I'd genuinely care about stupid questions like, "Why don't I have a girlfriend?" and "Do people see me the way I see myself?" Now, I just don't care. Which is kind of a good thing, it's almost like a weight has been taken off of my shoulders. But, it's weird, because after being single for so long, I'm like a trained weightlifter (if u're still following the metaphor). So what does someone do when they're indifferent about love? What do people do without any struggles in life? See, there I go asking stupid questions again.
Anyway, love shmove. What has REALLY been weird in my life is the following point. School, is a lot of fun! I actually enjoy our discussions in philosophy a lot this term. Last semester, the discussions were a snooze but the book was interesting, but this semester I'm getting the best of both worlds. In economics we're studying Nash equilibrium. I find it so amazing to be sitting in a lecture while my professor is telling us, "This is what that movie A Beautiful Mind was all about, after this semester, you will really understand what his theories were about." Finance is a bitch. But I love that about it. It's going to be quite the learning experience. No more watered down, "we'll worry about that next year" crap. Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty. Astronomy is kinda boring, and so is data analysis. But if I play my cards right, they'll boost the GPA up. Then there's soccer. Our indoor team is sick. We're getting better every game. I'm getting used to the pitch downtown. I'm back in defense. It feels good, it's been awhile since I've played it, and I still get to attack every now and then. So all and all, the people are good, the classes are good, it's all good. But that's my outlook now, before reading week. Please don't call me a hypocrite when you read my blog after the finance exam!
Normally when this time of year rolled around, I'd go from happy to sad to happy again. I'd have to stand all of the couples strutting their stuff, arrogantly asking me what my plans were for valentine's day. I used to love hearing that. "I figure I'll wake up, go to school, then during lunchtime I'll find a girlfriend, and fall in love, then invest my remaining lunch money in some stocks, make a few thousand bucks then sell the stocks before closing, then use the money I made to take my newfound girlfriend for a night of opera in Sydney cuz it's just that easy!" is what I'd sarcastically say in my head. That normally would translate to, "I dunno, what're you doin?" After 2 or 3 similar siutations, I'd be feelin bitter and alone, but then I'd feel good again as I'd walk through the halls listening to girls bitching about how valentine's day is shit, and they wouldn't even care about it if they had a man. "Yea right" i'd chuckle to myself, and that would always put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
This year's different, I just feel bad. But not cuz I'm not with anyone. It's cuz there's nobody I want to be with. There's 1 or 2 girls I'ld like to be with, but nobody that I just have to be with. It kinda sucks. I feel like i've lost my drive (not my sex drive, I'm always lookin for somewhere to park my car for the night) but my day-to-day drive. Thinking about hot girls used to be a refreshing break from studying. Now I think about, school and soccer and my life and crap. It feels weird having legitimate concerns. What ever happened to those days when I'd genuinely care about stupid questions like, "Why don't I have a girlfriend?" and "Do people see me the way I see myself?" Now, I just don't care. Which is kind of a good thing, it's almost like a weight has been taken off of my shoulders. But, it's weird, because after being single for so long, I'm like a trained weightlifter (if u're still following the metaphor). So what does someone do when they're indifferent about love? What do people do without any struggles in life? See, there I go asking stupid questions again.
Anyway, love shmove. What has REALLY been weird in my life is the following point. School, is a lot of fun! I actually enjoy our discussions in philosophy a lot this term. Last semester, the discussions were a snooze but the book was interesting, but this semester I'm getting the best of both worlds. In economics we're studying Nash equilibrium. I find it so amazing to be sitting in a lecture while my professor is telling us, "This is what that movie A Beautiful Mind was all about, after this semester, you will really understand what his theories were about." Finance is a bitch. But I love that about it. It's going to be quite the learning experience. No more watered down, "we'll worry about that next year" crap. Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty. Astronomy is kinda boring, and so is data analysis. But if I play my cards right, they'll boost the GPA up. Then there's soccer. Our indoor team is sick. We're getting better every game. I'm getting used to the pitch downtown. I'm back in defense. It feels good, it's been awhile since I've played it, and I still get to attack every now and then. So all and all, the people are good, the classes are good, it's all good. But that's my outlook now, before reading week. Please don't call me a hypocrite when you read my blog after the finance exam!
Saturday, February 07, 2004
That's when You know...
When plans change and you're not going to see her anymore
and nothing else you could possibly plan seems nearly as fun
When you're singing to all your favourite love songs out loud
but it seems like you're saying the words to her, and her alone
When it doesn't seem like your day has started yet
and it doesn't seem like you've done anything, until you've seen her
When everything else just seems less entertaining,
but the intrigue of talking to her grows with every passing conversation
That's when you know...
So the other day I was sitting in front of a computer screen, putting the finishing touches on a philosophy paper (due 15 minutes later). While checking for coherency, I unfocused my eyes and came upon seeing a smudge on the monitor screen which looked like a soft white cloud against the reflection of the blue sky behind me that I now noticed on the screen. I was suddenly hit with a feeling of nostalgia, thinking back to when I was smaller. I remembered how at this time of day I would be looking outside the window of my classroom, thinking about the simple things: What is mom gonna cook for lunchtime today? When I come back to school, am I gonna play soccer or Red Ass? I suddenly remembered recess time. I would lay down in the grass, look up at the sky, and as the clouds passed by, I would think, and it felt good to think. I felt safe in my thoughts. More times it would feel like there was nothing between me and the sky. Then the recess bell would ring and I'd go back to class.
The bell rang in my head and I finished the paper and went to the lecture. I looked over a finance assignment, and then went to the finance lecture. After that, it was all Price Thoery. I studied for hours upon hours with my economics buddies. Played in a soccer tournament. Lost horribly but hardly cared. Then it was more studying. Finally the exam came, by the end of it my brain hurt, but I emerged victorious (hopefully). Such was my week.
I've got one exam left, and an assignment, and then I can breathe again. I'm supposed to go out with Joanna that weekend for Valentine's day. Should be an arite time. Maybe the year of the monkey won't be so bad after all, I've actually got plans for V-day. Sure she's just a friend, but they're plans nonetheless. Anyway, I've really got nothing of value to say. Today has flown by and I haven't even started to study yet. Better get to it!
and nothing else you could possibly plan seems nearly as fun
When you're singing to all your favourite love songs out loud
but it seems like you're saying the words to her, and her alone
When it doesn't seem like your day has started yet
and it doesn't seem like you've done anything, until you've seen her
When everything else just seems less entertaining,
but the intrigue of talking to her grows with every passing conversation
That's when you know...
So the other day I was sitting in front of a computer screen, putting the finishing touches on a philosophy paper (due 15 minutes later). While checking for coherency, I unfocused my eyes and came upon seeing a smudge on the monitor screen which looked like a soft white cloud against the reflection of the blue sky behind me that I now noticed on the screen. I was suddenly hit with a feeling of nostalgia, thinking back to when I was smaller. I remembered how at this time of day I would be looking outside the window of my classroom, thinking about the simple things: What is mom gonna cook for lunchtime today? When I come back to school, am I gonna play soccer or Red Ass? I suddenly remembered recess time. I would lay down in the grass, look up at the sky, and as the clouds passed by, I would think, and it felt good to think. I felt safe in my thoughts. More times it would feel like there was nothing between me and the sky. Then the recess bell would ring and I'd go back to class.
The bell rang in my head and I finished the paper and went to the lecture. I looked over a finance assignment, and then went to the finance lecture. After that, it was all Price Thoery. I studied for hours upon hours with my economics buddies. Played in a soccer tournament. Lost horribly but hardly cared. Then it was more studying. Finally the exam came, by the end of it my brain hurt, but I emerged victorious (hopefully). Such was my week.
I've got one exam left, and an assignment, and then I can breathe again. I'm supposed to go out with Joanna that weekend for Valentine's day. Should be an arite time. Maybe the year of the monkey won't be so bad after all, I've actually got plans for V-day. Sure she's just a friend, but they're plans nonetheless. Anyway, I've really got nothing of value to say. Today has flown by and I haven't even started to study yet. Better get to it!
Saturday, January 31, 2004
I don't know you maaaan
When did it happen? I finally know how Austin Powers felt when he lost his mojo. I say, forget about the tree falling in the woods; here's a deep philosophical question for you: "If every girl in the world thinks that you're a girl, does that make you a girl?" Let's do a quick recap of the events of this month:
-While walking across the gym at school, I almost accidentaly walked into the ladies' change room with a friend. Neither the employees at the desk, the girl i was walking with, nor the complete stranger that was CHANGING was bothered by this. Why?... Cuz i'm just another girl.
-Countless times this month have I been asked, "So, do you know any cute guys?" Ockham's razor suggests that the simplest solution is the best solution. So why is it that these girls don't say, "hey wait a second, i'm talking to Jam!"...Cuz i'm just another girl.
-A few times I have been asked, "Oh Jam, why don't you have a girlfriend?" At the time I had no answer, but at last I know the secret!!! It's....cuz i'm just another girl.
So I grew the facial hair out a bit to restore my appearance of masculinity. I figured at the very least I would be seen as an ugly girl, and then the girls wouldn't want me in their group. But I forgot about the code among hot girls. In every group of hot girls, there's that 1 ugly chick. You know the one that's really funny and nice to get to know, but can't get no action? And you wonder how they even fit into the group, and then you realise it's so the sexygirls can use her when they feel blue to feel better about themselves? Lately that chick has been me. Somewhere along the way, my appeal to the opposite sex fell drastically (much like the tree in the woods) and i wasn't around to witness it. Appearantly the tree does still make a sound! In my case, the sound went something like this, "Don't date him, he's much better as a friend!" Now the friend zone is a problem I'm sure everyone can relate to. I don't gotta go into detail about how much it frustrates me, but something else bothers me even more now.
I'm that guy!!! That guy that no man wants to be; that guy that no man respects. I'm that guy with all the hot lady friends. They all confide in me and tell me every last detail of their sexygirl lives! I know all of the sexy girls, and some guys think I'm the man, and tell me as much, but I know i'm not, and the girls know I'm not. "But Jam" they ask, "how is it that you're not the man, even though you're living out all of our fantasies?" "Because, my friend..." I tell them, "because really....i'm just another girl"
Now I know how lesbians feel. Cuz see, lesbians already know they have no chance with like 85% of the girls they meet, unless they're down in New Oreleans, or Western, or unless they slip a mickey in some other chick's drink. So with the remaing 15% that ARE lesbian, your common lesbian - let's call her Butch - still has to wonder, "Is she really lesbian? does she like me? should I do it? this is so rare!" Plus, Butch still has to put up with the lesbians that are:
a) still too scared to admit they're lesbian;
b) those lesbians who admit it, but can't be openly lesbian for social reasons, and finally
c) those lesbians who are fully open for a lesbian relationship, but still refuse to make the first move, because "The Butch girl should make the first move"
That leaves Butch with about 5% of the original crop of girls. On the regular, half of the remaining few are too ugly (c'mon, even Butch has standards!) which leaves you with 2.5%
Out of every 100 girls Butch knows, she has a chance with 2 attracitve girls, and 1 midget.
If you haven't figured it out yet the thrust of this metaphor is that I am Butch, and Butch is me. I guess I must know 97 women then! When I meet that midget she better be hot!
-While walking across the gym at school, I almost accidentaly walked into the ladies' change room with a friend. Neither the employees at the desk, the girl i was walking with, nor the complete stranger that was CHANGING was bothered by this. Why?... Cuz i'm just another girl.
-Countless times this month have I been asked, "So, do you know any cute guys?" Ockham's razor suggests that the simplest solution is the best solution. So why is it that these girls don't say, "hey wait a second, i'm talking to Jam!"...Cuz i'm just another girl.
-A few times I have been asked, "Oh Jam, why don't you have a girlfriend?" At the time I had no answer, but at last I know the secret!!! It's....cuz i'm just another girl.
So I grew the facial hair out a bit to restore my appearance of masculinity. I figured at the very least I would be seen as an ugly girl, and then the girls wouldn't want me in their group. But I forgot about the code among hot girls. In every group of hot girls, there's that 1 ugly chick. You know the one that's really funny and nice to get to know, but can't get no action? And you wonder how they even fit into the group, and then you realise it's so the sexygirls can use her when they feel blue to feel better about themselves? Lately that chick has been me. Somewhere along the way, my appeal to the opposite sex fell drastically (much like the tree in the woods) and i wasn't around to witness it. Appearantly the tree does still make a sound! In my case, the sound went something like this, "Don't date him, he's much better as a friend!" Now the friend zone is a problem I'm sure everyone can relate to. I don't gotta go into detail about how much it frustrates me, but something else bothers me even more now.
I'm that guy!!! That guy that no man wants to be; that guy that no man respects. I'm that guy with all the hot lady friends. They all confide in me and tell me every last detail of their sexygirl lives! I know all of the sexy girls, and some guys think I'm the man, and tell me as much, but I know i'm not, and the girls know I'm not. "But Jam" they ask, "how is it that you're not the man, even though you're living out all of our fantasies?" "Because, my friend..." I tell them, "because really....i'm just another girl"
Now I know how lesbians feel. Cuz see, lesbians already know they have no chance with like 85% of the girls they meet, unless they're down in New Oreleans, or Western, or unless they slip a mickey in some other chick's drink. So with the remaing 15% that ARE lesbian, your common lesbian - let's call her Butch - still has to wonder, "Is she really lesbian? does she like me? should I do it? this is so rare!" Plus, Butch still has to put up with the lesbians that are:
a) still too scared to admit they're lesbian;
b) those lesbians who admit it, but can't be openly lesbian for social reasons, and finally
c) those lesbians who are fully open for a lesbian relationship, but still refuse to make the first move, because "The Butch girl should make the first move"
That leaves Butch with about 5% of the original crop of girls. On the regular, half of the remaining few are too ugly (c'mon, even Butch has standards!) which leaves you with 2.5%
Out of every 100 girls Butch knows, she has a chance with 2 attracitve girls, and 1 midget.
If you haven't figured it out yet the thrust of this metaphor is that I am Butch, and Butch is me. I guess I must know 97 women then! When I meet that midget she better be hot!
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Turkey Walkin'
I've never felt so full and so empty at the same time.
I went to Frankie Tomatto's yesterday. I can still feel the weight. And then I had pizza today. Soon, I will resemble your average turkey, barely slim enough to walk. Thank goodness for soccer. I've been working it out, and it looks as though I'm gonna have soccer about 4 days a week from here on. So I won't necessarily have to clear the cobwebs off of the treadmill in the basement. Why disturb the spiders, i say!
Time is a big issue. I'm having what I call the "Spring Cleaning Sydrome." You know that feeling you get when u're cleaning you're room, and with every pair of shorts you pick up off the ground, you find 4 more that need to be put away as well? Well that's my situation now, both literally and figuratively. I've been working on my room for a few hour now; should be done tonight. And as for my homework, well any time describing my problem is time that could have been used solving the problem. I need the grades this semester, so I'll just get to it!
I feel rather unintelligent this term. I think I'm still feeling the affects of last term. All the same, in every course, I find myself making careless mistakes, while trying to be increibly careful. I guess I'll just have to put more work into it. The thing is, my drive is gone. I look at job postings online and I don't even want to respond to them. I look at my textbooks and I don't even want to read the words. I've got that empty feeling, like i'm just here, but I'm not sure why. That's a good thing for management students tho. I'm growing accustomed to doing rather then thinking these days. I guess that's how you get by. To get the grades, you think the way UofT tells you to think, just do the work. Well, it sounds like the van is home. I'm gonna go to school and get some work done. Gotta love the weekend!
I went to Frankie Tomatto's yesterday. I can still feel the weight. And then I had pizza today. Soon, I will resemble your average turkey, barely slim enough to walk. Thank goodness for soccer. I've been working it out, and it looks as though I'm gonna have soccer about 4 days a week from here on. So I won't necessarily have to clear the cobwebs off of the treadmill in the basement. Why disturb the spiders, i say!
Time is a big issue. I'm having what I call the "Spring Cleaning Sydrome." You know that feeling you get when u're cleaning you're room, and with every pair of shorts you pick up off the ground, you find 4 more that need to be put away as well? Well that's my situation now, both literally and figuratively. I've been working on my room for a few hour now; should be done tonight. And as for my homework, well any time describing my problem is time that could have been used solving the problem. I need the grades this semester, so I'll just get to it!
I feel rather unintelligent this term. I think I'm still feeling the affects of last term. All the same, in every course, I find myself making careless mistakes, while trying to be increibly careful. I guess I'll just have to put more work into it. The thing is, my drive is gone. I look at job postings online and I don't even want to respond to them. I look at my textbooks and I don't even want to read the words. I've got that empty feeling, like i'm just here, but I'm not sure why. That's a good thing for management students tho. I'm growing accustomed to doing rather then thinking these days. I guess that's how you get by. To get the grades, you think the way UofT tells you to think, just do the work. Well, it sounds like the van is home. I'm gonna go to school and get some work done. Gotta love the weekend!
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Like a kid in a candy store
I don't know what I want, with respect to everything. Name a commodity and I could go either way right now. That includes love. Who needs it? I'm so used to thinking that I do, but come to think of it, I've spent most of my life w/o it, and I'm still here. And I mean, me still likey da ladies, don't get me wrong, but I barely get enough sleep at night now, can I really afford to lose more?
For my econ people, I guess what I'm saying that I'm in the inelastic portion of the 'demand for lovin curve' - wherein, I would be better off (utility wise) by reducing my quantity of sex per hour, and increasing my consumption of some other inferior/normal good, i.e. studying, or chocolate.
And then there's the 'paradox of friend.' You look for a girl who has the personality traits of a really good friend, and then they're your friend. I have been dubbed, "Friend God" by a lady friend of mine. Well I plan to circumvent the effects of the friend zone soon enough. But that's a side project. Soon enough you'll all know what I mean.
The core question: Which girl do I even really want to impress? It used to be so easy having yellow fever as a kid. I'd just be like, well there's 300 girls in this school... 2 of them are asian... I'll go for one of them! Then I came to UTSC, and now I can't turn in 2 directions w/o seeing an azn honey! Look at me, i spelled it 'azn!!' So then now I've had to be all specific about what I want in a woman! Do I even want a chinese girl anymore? Can I drink anymore bubble tea? I'm not big on tapioca, but the fruit jelly teas are alright. So I've reopened the boarders, so to speak. I've somewhat overcome the effects of yellow fever. To be fair to myself, I've made a few insulting stipulations for the woman of my dreams, so as to narrow down the search to a select few.
1) No fat chicks.
Yea, I'm no spring-chicken either, but at least I'm workin on that. I don't mind a bit of junk in the trunk, but if there's too much junk you mess up the rear suspension! (I'm rather happy with that pun. hehe, rear suspension!)
2) No 'weight-watchers.'
I can carry the load of my wallet just fine thank you, there's no need for you to lighten the load! And yes, I do carry a lot of change; currency is currency! If you ask me, the difference between the price of a movie at morningside and a movie at STC is disproportionate to the difference in quality. And flowers??? Flowers are nothing more then the sex organs of plants. If you want a sex organ...
3) No phonecalls.
To check to see when my phone is available for conversation, please check www.telusmobility.com. To check to see when I'M available for conversation, please read the following golden rule: "If I saw you in the last 48 hours, you've done nothing important enough to arouse my interest." Get used to the phrase, "I'll see you around at school I guess."
4) High Marginal Utility
The more you do something, the less you want to do it again. When we were kids, we'd kill to go to Canada's wonderland (high marginal utility). Nowadays, it's hardly worth the 1hr drive (low marginal utility). Dates are the same.. let's make them special, we'll go out when there's a reason.
5) 34-24-32
Or something like that!
For my econ people, I guess what I'm saying that I'm in the inelastic portion of the 'demand for lovin curve' - wherein, I would be better off (utility wise) by reducing my quantity of sex per hour, and increasing my consumption of some other inferior/normal good, i.e. studying, or chocolate.
And then there's the 'paradox of friend.' You look for a girl who has the personality traits of a really good friend, and then they're your friend. I have been dubbed, "Friend God" by a lady friend of mine. Well I plan to circumvent the effects of the friend zone soon enough. But that's a side project. Soon enough you'll all know what I mean.
The core question: Which girl do I even really want to impress? It used to be so easy having yellow fever as a kid. I'd just be like, well there's 300 girls in this school... 2 of them are asian... I'll go for one of them! Then I came to UTSC, and now I can't turn in 2 directions w/o seeing an azn honey! Look at me, i spelled it 'azn!!' So then now I've had to be all specific about what I want in a woman! Do I even want a chinese girl anymore? Can I drink anymore bubble tea? I'm not big on tapioca, but the fruit jelly teas are alright. So I've reopened the boarders, so to speak. I've somewhat overcome the effects of yellow fever. To be fair to myself, I've made a few insulting stipulations for the woman of my dreams, so as to narrow down the search to a select few.
1) No fat chicks.
Yea, I'm no spring-chicken either, but at least I'm workin on that. I don't mind a bit of junk in the trunk, but if there's too much junk you mess up the rear suspension! (I'm rather happy with that pun. hehe, rear suspension!)
2) No 'weight-watchers.'
I can carry the load of my wallet just fine thank you, there's no need for you to lighten the load! And yes, I do carry a lot of change; currency is currency! If you ask me, the difference between the price of a movie at morningside and a movie at STC is disproportionate to the difference in quality. And flowers??? Flowers are nothing more then the sex organs of plants. If you want a sex organ...
3) No phonecalls.
To check to see when my phone is available for conversation, please check www.telusmobility.com. To check to see when I'M available for conversation, please read the following golden rule: "If I saw you in the last 48 hours, you've done nothing important enough to arouse my interest." Get used to the phrase, "I'll see you around at school I guess."
4) High Marginal Utility
The more you do something, the less you want to do it again. When we were kids, we'd kill to go to Canada's wonderland (high marginal utility). Nowadays, it's hardly worth the 1hr drive (low marginal utility). Dates are the same.. let's make them special, we'll go out when there's a reason.
5) 34-24-32
Or something like that!
Monday, January 12, 2004
Well, before I start to study again...
I wonder what I would do if I really did control my own destiny.
There are those who argue you that I do. Fatalism is on a decline. People these days want to believe that causes have effects and so forth. And the idea of an irrantional force or Being that messes around with our lives, if for no other reason then to make life unpredictable, is less attractive nowadays. I often get asked the age-old question, "Do you believe in fate?" Fundamentally i do not. I think all that stuff about pre-determined life lengths and palm readings is a bunch of crap. If my lifeline was shorter then my twin's, wouldn't it be logically impossible for me to kill him? That's my bleak way of illustrating the fundamental flaw of fatalism - it imposes on us impossibilities that really aren't impossible. Maybe i'll redeem myself and say, "Bring me the man with the shortest lifeline so that I may take the next bullet for him!" That sounds a bit more noble.
But all discussions of fate aside, everyone still has to admit one thing: we share this world with a few billion other people, each with his/her own individual motives. So you can't control everything! Everyone's a stakeholder in everyone else's life. Somethings are out of our power, just by the very definition of what a human being is. So then, given that we can't control everything, but we strive in life to control as much as we can (finances, living situations, health, etc), what would I really do if one day I controlled it all? Is there a point to life beyond the process of work that we do within it?
Maybe there is an ultimate meaning to life aside from the process of living, but who really knows what that is? If not, then that leads to a peculiar conclusion: Life would be bad, if there was nothing bad in life. If we had nothing to work for, nothing to work against, then life would be, not just boring, but ultimately bad. This is probably a tired philosophical argument. It has a touch of existentialism in it, and probably a dash of some other topics in it as well.
My question is, why am I specifically working through this process? Ultimately prestige, money, acclaim, children, titles, happy moments, family, all of those things are mere points along the path of my life. They will have their own novelty, and they will all come to pass. But what will I really be able to keep with me and pass on to the generations to come? What do I offer that will carry with it the resounding force to be known as 'Jamil'?
So I think about the power of literature. I remember reading in a book by Paul Davies, a physicist, an argument that illustrated the power of literature. Whereas, all forms of matter and energy are forced to exist within the framework of our 4-dimensional universe, literature allows for information to transcend both time and space. To this day we are influenced by the works of Confucius, Shakespeare, Einstein despite the fact that they are gone. Indeed, through their works, they have achieved immortality. But they all found their niche. They all had a special vision on some aspect of reality, and were able to offer future generations incomparable clarity about the world. What about me? What's special about my vision? Do I have my own vision? Or is my vision simply a summation of the visions I've come to bear witness to and understand? Am I origional? Were they? As a biologcial system that learns entirely from its environment, is there any room for originality? If so, I hope there's room for me!
There are those who argue you that I do. Fatalism is on a decline. People these days want to believe that causes have effects and so forth. And the idea of an irrantional force or Being that messes around with our lives, if for no other reason then to make life unpredictable, is less attractive nowadays. I often get asked the age-old question, "Do you believe in fate?" Fundamentally i do not. I think all that stuff about pre-determined life lengths and palm readings is a bunch of crap. If my lifeline was shorter then my twin's, wouldn't it be logically impossible for me to kill him? That's my bleak way of illustrating the fundamental flaw of fatalism - it imposes on us impossibilities that really aren't impossible. Maybe i'll redeem myself and say, "Bring me the man with the shortest lifeline so that I may take the next bullet for him!" That sounds a bit more noble.
But all discussions of fate aside, everyone still has to admit one thing: we share this world with a few billion other people, each with his/her own individual motives. So you can't control everything! Everyone's a stakeholder in everyone else's life. Somethings are out of our power, just by the very definition of what a human being is. So then, given that we can't control everything, but we strive in life to control as much as we can (finances, living situations, health, etc), what would I really do if one day I controlled it all? Is there a point to life beyond the process of work that we do within it?
Maybe there is an ultimate meaning to life aside from the process of living, but who really knows what that is? If not, then that leads to a peculiar conclusion: Life would be bad, if there was nothing bad in life. If we had nothing to work for, nothing to work against, then life would be, not just boring, but ultimately bad. This is probably a tired philosophical argument. It has a touch of existentialism in it, and probably a dash of some other topics in it as well.
My question is, why am I specifically working through this process? Ultimately prestige, money, acclaim, children, titles, happy moments, family, all of those things are mere points along the path of my life. They will have their own novelty, and they will all come to pass. But what will I really be able to keep with me and pass on to the generations to come? What do I offer that will carry with it the resounding force to be known as 'Jamil'?
So I think about the power of literature. I remember reading in a book by Paul Davies, a physicist, an argument that illustrated the power of literature. Whereas, all forms of matter and energy are forced to exist within the framework of our 4-dimensional universe, literature allows for information to transcend both time and space. To this day we are influenced by the works of Confucius, Shakespeare, Einstein despite the fact that they are gone. Indeed, through their works, they have achieved immortality. But they all found their niche. They all had a special vision on some aspect of reality, and were able to offer future generations incomparable clarity about the world. What about me? What's special about my vision? Do I have my own vision? Or is my vision simply a summation of the visions I've come to bear witness to and understand? Am I origional? Were they? As a biologcial system that learns entirely from its environment, is there any room for originality? If so, I hope there's room for me!
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Me, today.
Well, 2004, what can i say? So far...
A highschool friend of mine has killed herself
I've almost totally liquified my financial accounts
I've got myself into more then one situation that I am going to have to carefully get myself out of (soon!)
I've put on 4 pounds, which leaves me with another 15 pounds that need to be lost
I've been denied the chance to even interview for the position of coaching a soccer team this year.
Last but not least, I've screwed myself academically. And this time, it's not a bunch of false promises. It's not, "I said i was gonna study but i didn't." And there will be no, "Honestly, i messed around last year, I could've done better." If my remaining two marks aren't both 70s, I am officially out of co-op. Damned if I give a rats ass about the friggin program - I've had my doubts since the co-op tutorials last year. The problem is, that I've let myself down! I set a goal, worked towards it, and failed. This is a humbling truth that i cannot shake. I made a vow to myself to get my GPA up. I may indeed get a 2.5. I think I got my 70s. Then again,a lot of things I thought were in the Bank were actually out of my grasp.
I can't help but feel jealous. I watch people study less then me and do better. I watch people study more then me and do better. I study with each respective group of people, and they all do better. The only constant in my life, in the last year in a half, is that everyone is doing better. So jealousy is a feeling I cannot deny anymore.
They say pride is a sin. Well I must be a saint! Pride denotes confidence, and mine is shattered. My outlook on things is bleak. If I didn' t come to love life so much, I'd exchange it for something less discouraging. I'm down. I'm beyond motivational provocation. I sincerely hope that there exists in our universe incalulable, undeterminable forces. Whether it be God, divine will, non-being, perfect randomness, or simply sheer luck, i need something to help me change things around. My spirit is broken and I can't find a crutch. Last semester I tried using my peers, while all the time forgetting that I'm heavier then almost all of them. So here I am, with my spirit dragging behind me on the ground, picking up large quantities of shit with every stride i take. And towards what do I stride? A big pile of shit apparently!
A highschool friend of mine has killed herself
I've almost totally liquified my financial accounts
I've got myself into more then one situation that I am going to have to carefully get myself out of (soon!)
I've put on 4 pounds, which leaves me with another 15 pounds that need to be lost
I've been denied the chance to even interview for the position of coaching a soccer team this year.
Last but not least, I've screwed myself academically. And this time, it's not a bunch of false promises. It's not, "I said i was gonna study but i didn't." And there will be no, "Honestly, i messed around last year, I could've done better." If my remaining two marks aren't both 70s, I am officially out of co-op. Damned if I give a rats ass about the friggin program - I've had my doubts since the co-op tutorials last year. The problem is, that I've let myself down! I set a goal, worked towards it, and failed. This is a humbling truth that i cannot shake. I made a vow to myself to get my GPA up. I may indeed get a 2.5. I think I got my 70s. Then again,a lot of things I thought were in the Bank were actually out of my grasp.
I can't help but feel jealous. I watch people study less then me and do better. I watch people study more then me and do better. I study with each respective group of people, and they all do better. The only constant in my life, in the last year in a half, is that everyone is doing better. So jealousy is a feeling I cannot deny anymore.
They say pride is a sin. Well I must be a saint! Pride denotes confidence, and mine is shattered. My outlook on things is bleak. If I didn' t come to love life so much, I'd exchange it for something less discouraging. I'm down. I'm beyond motivational provocation. I sincerely hope that there exists in our universe incalulable, undeterminable forces. Whether it be God, divine will, non-being, perfect randomness, or simply sheer luck, i need something to help me change things around. My spirit is broken and I can't find a crutch. Last semester I tried using my peers, while all the time forgetting that I'm heavier then almost all of them. So here I am, with my spirit dragging behind me on the ground, picking up large quantities of shit with every stride i take. And towards what do I stride? A big pile of shit apparently!
Friday, January 02, 2004
A thought, or two
I was asked the question about life that I often ask myself. You know the one about there being a point, and why we prolong it? This time i found myself on the other side of the argument - I defended life and what it has to offer. I've never been good at debating, and we hardly came to a resolution. I guess if mankind could ever really answer that question we would've stopped asking it a long time ago. Still, you can't help but think: If there's no definite answer, then what's the point? I mean if you can't think of a purpose towards living, then why live?
Historically we've found reasons to live. Making life easier for generations to come. Advancing the progress of mankind so as to explore new things. Making personal achievements, so as to achieve immortality, and etching yourself into the edifice of time. But those reasons are all coming to pass now. With the massive growth in almost every aspect of human activity, people are starting to change their focus. Nowadays, it's not about, "What's the world gonna be like for my grandchildren?" These days, it's about, "How am I gonna afford my estate and live the life i want to live?" The reasons why this is the case is a topic all by itself.
Recently I've come to think, that maybe it is precisely because there's no answer to the question that we continue to live. Maybe the fact that there is no ONE answer is precisely why life is worth living. Asking the question, "what's there to live for?" is as open a question as asking, "what should I do today?" In both questions, there are things that have to be done (in life, and today), and things that you may want to do (in life, and today). Regardless, the answer to neither question should be "nothing." We often feel we need a day to do 'nothing' after several days of exhaustion. It's a natural feeling. The problem lies when we use the same outlook towards our life at large. After a lifetime of trials and tribulations, we sometimes feel as though the best escape is death, the absolute realm of nothing. It is important to note the biggest difference between the two scenarios. We enjoy a day of nothing for the purpose of resting up for future days of activity, but death is a finality.
Discussing suicide further is not a simple task. I've recently become moved by the question, "Who are you to dictate moral absolutes?" It's such a profound statement. Surprisingly I picked it up off a cartoon. They probably stole it from a philosopher. But it's true. With any subject, who is really to say what's right and what's wrong? Who's really to say where the line is between respectable suicide and selfish suicide, or whether there is a line at all? Really no earthly being has the authority, which is probably why people turn to God. An authority figure is needed for moral absolutes like these. Suicide, capital punishment, war, means vs. end; with topics like these, many people need something to tell them where to stand on issues like these. Only a few of us are skilled enough walk along the fine line an authoritative being or doctrine helping us along the way. And furthermore, some of us only think we possess such skill.
Historically we've found reasons to live. Making life easier for generations to come. Advancing the progress of mankind so as to explore new things. Making personal achievements, so as to achieve immortality, and etching yourself into the edifice of time. But those reasons are all coming to pass now. With the massive growth in almost every aspect of human activity, people are starting to change their focus. Nowadays, it's not about, "What's the world gonna be like for my grandchildren?" These days, it's about, "How am I gonna afford my estate and live the life i want to live?" The reasons why this is the case is a topic all by itself.
Recently I've come to think, that maybe it is precisely because there's no answer to the question that we continue to live. Maybe the fact that there is no ONE answer is precisely why life is worth living. Asking the question, "what's there to live for?" is as open a question as asking, "what should I do today?" In both questions, there are things that have to be done (in life, and today), and things that you may want to do (in life, and today). Regardless, the answer to neither question should be "nothing." We often feel we need a day to do 'nothing' after several days of exhaustion. It's a natural feeling. The problem lies when we use the same outlook towards our life at large. After a lifetime of trials and tribulations, we sometimes feel as though the best escape is death, the absolute realm of nothing. It is important to note the biggest difference between the two scenarios. We enjoy a day of nothing for the purpose of resting up for future days of activity, but death is a finality.
Discussing suicide further is not a simple task. I've recently become moved by the question, "Who are you to dictate moral absolutes?" It's such a profound statement. Surprisingly I picked it up off a cartoon. They probably stole it from a philosopher. But it's true. With any subject, who is really to say what's right and what's wrong? Who's really to say where the line is between respectable suicide and selfish suicide, or whether there is a line at all? Really no earthly being has the authority, which is probably why people turn to God. An authority figure is needed for moral absolutes like these. Suicide, capital punishment, war, means vs. end; with topics like these, many people need something to tell them where to stand on issues like these. Only a few of us are skilled enough walk along the fine line an authoritative being or doctrine helping us along the way. And furthermore, some of us only think we possess such skill.
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