For what it's worth and for everything that fell short of expectations this year, something quite subtle and yet quite remarkable has helped me to realize that next year will be worth looking forward to. This year I struggled against the powers that be, seen and unseen. Everyone struggles at least once with the battle between fate and freedom. This year I gained some insight in to my own struggle.
Part 1: Fate
Personally, I hate predestination in all its forms. What's the point, I figure? When I think about what I do in life and why I do it, I realize that I normally motivate myself to do what is not expected of me, sometimes what I don't even expect of myself. I chose my degree because it's the only one I never imagined myself a part of, for better or worse; business. With everything else I either imagined myself doing poorly in it, or I imagined everyone else expecting me to do well in it. Business was the only discipline that would make everyone, including myself, say, "Really? You?" And once that happened, the opportunity availed itself to allow me to pursue it full force. Without boring you with a thorough analysis, I'll just shortly point to a few other items I've dedicated myself to in the past to spite expectations:
Asian Women
Asian Music
Career in Sales
Philosophy
Reading
Soccer
Writing
Working for a Bank
I've put so much effort into trying opportunities that surprise me and the people around me, that I've almost become fated to do so; fated to grab hold of anything that will free me from the net of fate. That can't be right. Now I start to question, as all fatalists do, whether or not these opportunities accord with some lifelong plan that I don't even know about yet. Maybe these opportunities open themselves to me at just the right time for me to develop into them. Maybe I was born to become what I never expected. I should only be so lucky - working at HP has taught me that you should always be the most interested stakeholder in your career growth plan, even when you have little or no ability to affect it.
Fated or not, I've decided to attack the next few years with a bit more purpose. There's nobody left to surprise, the only surprise left would be to take all of this potential energy and this comfortable environment and make absolutely nothing of it. That would probably shock the people who matter most, and I'm self-assured enough to suggest that it would even shock myself, to the grave.
I have this sneaking suspicion that 2009 has already been planned as a year of both development and establishment for me, but I'll have to do my part to see it through. I'm keen enough to know that stories of fate have but a single author, but legends of fate are co-written.
That said, if 2009 will be different than 2008, changes will have to take place.
Part 2: Change
"I think the true measure of freedom's victory over fate is the ability to evoke change."
-Me, just now
"It is at the very precepus of disaster that humankind evolves and changes for the better" (paraphrase)
-Intellectual Noble Prize winning Scientist in the remake of the movie 'The Day The Earth Stood Still'
When you live in the real world you learn to take the good with the bad and sometimes that means watching severely bad movies to bring one good point to your attention. Who would've thought that a movie I first valued to be not worth the free ticket I used to view it, would hold the key to a motivation that I might just carry with me for the rest of my life?
I spent this year trying to put my finger on something and I think I have it - I wait!
Until the day comes that I realize or am told that a change has to happen I do as little as possible to change. To be honest I'm pretty good when it comes to preparation. I know how to get things done on time and some people can't even say that. What I'm not so good at is doing things after the first indication that I should. Studying was just one of many litmus tests of this and I'm actually too embarrassed to outline the others. The point is I'm honest enough to admit that I ignore the amber alerts just as much as anybody else.
Now the movie described this as some kind of virtue of mankind, that when the going gets tough we come together and steer towards good, but I think that's horribly wrong. In fact, I'd say that the movie did society a disservice, by making people indirectly feel okay about the fact that they so far are nothing short of self-destructive.
If I could ask anything of my facebook notes, it would be to deliver this one point. We all wait too long to change the things that matter most.
This is why the banking sector had to be bailed out, I only heard a few quiet voices of anger towards 0-down mortgages and other examples of a cavalier loan shark mentality system. This is why we're going to bail out GM who doesn't even show any real signs that they will change after receiving their money, no more than the banks did. This is why the polar bears had to swim 60 miles to find an icecap before we cared; we were too busy building a timmies on every corner so that we don't have to. This is why smog alerts matter more now than when I was a kid. This is why our kids have ever-growing asthma and acne. This is why traffic will always get worse. This is why homes get larger but families become more distant. This is why "more is better" is celebrated as a virtue of modern economics. This is why it took a movie and a rap song for anyone to care about a conflict diamonds. This is why it takes pain and disease for people to care about diet. This is why cigarettes still exist, and are worse than when they were first created. This is why caffeine is approved for distribution and wholesale by almost every major food and drug board. This is why racial animosity is as old as the idea of 'race'.
The list goes on, but I won't. I only chipped away at so many examples because I hope people realize that every realm of human existence is affected by our unwillingness to respond to the first call - even the first call for help. In my life now and moving forward I would like to respond to the indicators, good and bad.
There are things that I do that I should not, and there are indications that I should finally stop. There are things that I do not do that I should, and there are indications that I finally should start. 2009 will simply be dedicated to creating the revolution within needed to turn these two truths around on their heads. Nothing more, nothing less.
This note has been intentionally uninspirational, because I think looking for inspiration is part of why we wait, part of why I wait. However, I will concede that I am inspired, should be a good year.
Happy Holidays!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, November 06, 2008
My Words Today - November 2008
">My collection of words is my bakery. I myself cannot eat from them everyday, it wouldn't be healthy. Do I stand behind them? Doubtless, they are the best in town. But I will not eat from them for you, for proof of their content or taste. I eat from them for my own enjoyment, my own escape from the everyday fight against starvation. When I have the time, and the means, I bake them, and I bake them well enough to share.
Leaves are easy
Stones are hard
To find poetry
Leaves are easy
Stones are hard
To find poetry
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
November 4th - 2008
"Anytime here in the 20th century, 1964, you find us still singing 'we shall overcome' you know your government has failed you. In fact, that's the problem with you, you do too much singin'! Today is the day to stop singing and start swinging.". - Malcolm X
I wish they were selling Barack baseball cards. Then I would buy 3; keep one, play with one, and put one away in a vault - just like I originally did with my Reggie Jackson card, my Nolan Ryan card and my Ricky Henderson card. I used to love collecting cards because it reminded me that I was alive during moments of history, and I felt like I was a part of it. Then I got older and I put the cards under my bed, and then somewhere in my closet. Then they had the baseball strike of 93-94 and I stopped collecting.
I don't know where my cards are. I don't remember how many strikeouts Nolan pitched or bases Ricky stole or playoff homers Reggie hit anymore either. I just remember we made them legendary when they achieved what no other man could at the time and no man had done before.
***
When Barack wins I hope everyone puts away their baseball cards and saves them in a vault and gets on with their lives. I hope the banks redistribute their bailout packages to refinance residential loans, credit card companies are put on moratorium, the US looks to South America, France and Canada, and Germany to discuss oil, health care, and rebuilding as a green economy.
I hope I don't have to hear 'first black' anymore. I'd rather hear 'he did it.' I'm glad blacks in the US feel like they have a chance, now, but I hope they stop asking for one. I think the thing to remember isn't that he won against the odds, but that he didn't ask for anything, not for peace or equality or the right to campaign. He ran and won, like Usain Bolt, and you can test him 100 different ways he broke records fair and square and has his medal.
It's the 21st century. Now the world's economic leader and power house has elected a non-white male leader. I think other parts of the world were doing that since 21 BC but that's okay better late than never. Only took them 230 years or so.
Good luck democrats, because there is a huge poison pill served with this order of leadership. A lot of people are gonna hate you, and your banks, and your Wall Street, because it's easier to hate that than themselves. They should teach about 'no money down' mortgages and introductory interests rates as soon as they teach algebra in school, and they should teach about the unlikeliness of instant gratification as soon as they can at home. For the women, blacks, jews and gentiles of the United States, that'll do a lot more than reminding them that now anyone can be president.
All the same, big year for Barack and Lil Wayne: Young money!
I wish they were selling Barack baseball cards. Then I would buy 3; keep one, play with one, and put one away in a vault - just like I originally did with my Reggie Jackson card, my Nolan Ryan card and my Ricky Henderson card. I used to love collecting cards because it reminded me that I was alive during moments of history, and I felt like I was a part of it. Then I got older and I put the cards under my bed, and then somewhere in my closet. Then they had the baseball strike of 93-94 and I stopped collecting.
I don't know where my cards are. I don't remember how many strikeouts Nolan pitched or bases Ricky stole or playoff homers Reggie hit anymore either. I just remember we made them legendary when they achieved what no other man could at the time and no man had done before.
***
When Barack wins I hope everyone puts away their baseball cards and saves them in a vault and gets on with their lives. I hope the banks redistribute their bailout packages to refinance residential loans, credit card companies are put on moratorium, the US looks to South America, France and Canada, and Germany to discuss oil, health care, and rebuilding as a green economy.
I hope I don't have to hear 'first black' anymore. I'd rather hear 'he did it.' I'm glad blacks in the US feel like they have a chance, now, but I hope they stop asking for one. I think the thing to remember isn't that he won against the odds, but that he didn't ask for anything, not for peace or equality or the right to campaign. He ran and won, like Usain Bolt, and you can test him 100 different ways he broke records fair and square and has his medal.
It's the 21st century. Now the world's economic leader and power house has elected a non-white male leader. I think other parts of the world were doing that since 21 BC but that's okay better late than never. Only took them 230 years or so.
Good luck democrats, because there is a huge poison pill served with this order of leadership. A lot of people are gonna hate you, and your banks, and your Wall Street, because it's easier to hate that than themselves. They should teach about 'no money down' mortgages and introductory interests rates as soon as they teach algebra in school, and they should teach about the unlikeliness of instant gratification as soon as they can at home. For the women, blacks, jews and gentiles of the United States, that'll do a lot more than reminding them that now anyone can be president.
All the same, big year for Barack and Lil Wayne: Young money!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Cheeni Cheeni
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for taking us too seriously. You are right. I put a strong focus on us having stability. Too strong. I want you to just...understand a distinction, and I wanted you to understand this the whole time. I wasn't trying to put a focus on potential permanency between us. I just wanted us to be stable for the little while we were together. I wanted to say, "hey everyone, this is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" in a closed room with just you and me. I thought you wanted the same.
You were my flower. I didn't expect you to last through the winter, as such. I just wanted to see you blossom and bloom and say, "hey everyone, this is my flower, isn't it beautiful?" in a closed room with just you and me. I wanted you to bloom for me. And when you did, I could say "This year was a good year for harvest" and then I could prepare for the winter; then I could face the winter because I could stay warm with the memories of you in the sunlight. And you were so close to full bloom - everyday you opened up a little bit more, and I wasn't going to stop tending to your soil until I knew you were ready to be potted. Then maybe I could give you away and remember that I helped grow the perfect flower, just once. But this wasn't your season, you didn't want to bloom for me. Sometimes the perfect blossom happens only once, and it's wrong to force it. So I'm sorry.
I can't stop crying because it feels like death to see you close up against me, especially so suddenly. That's why this hurts, that's it. It's just going to take some time to understand that you have to close up, because soon you will blossom for someone else, and that you are not my flower. That is my fault, not yours. Please just appreciate why I need this time to come to terms with that. You didn't make it easy, but I made it hard.
Love,
Jamil
I'm sorry for taking us too seriously. You are right. I put a strong focus on us having stability. Too strong. I want you to just...understand a distinction, and I wanted you to understand this the whole time. I wasn't trying to put a focus on potential permanency between us. I just wanted us to be stable for the little while we were together. I wanted to say, "hey everyone, this is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" in a closed room with just you and me. I thought you wanted the same.
You were my flower. I didn't expect you to last through the winter, as such. I just wanted to see you blossom and bloom and say, "hey everyone, this is my flower, isn't it beautiful?" in a closed room with just you and me. I wanted you to bloom for me. And when you did, I could say "This year was a good year for harvest" and then I could prepare for the winter; then I could face the winter because I could stay warm with the memories of you in the sunlight. And you were so close to full bloom - everyday you opened up a little bit more, and I wasn't going to stop tending to your soil until I knew you were ready to be potted. Then maybe I could give you away and remember that I helped grow the perfect flower, just once. But this wasn't your season, you didn't want to bloom for me. Sometimes the perfect blossom happens only once, and it's wrong to force it. So I'm sorry.
I can't stop crying because it feels like death to see you close up against me, especially so suddenly. That's why this hurts, that's it. It's just going to take some time to understand that you have to close up, because soon you will blossom for someone else, and that you are not my flower. That is my fault, not yours. Please just appreciate why I need this time to come to terms with that. You didn't make it easy, but I made it hard.
Love,
Jamil
Saturday, October 25, 2008
On Work - October 2008
Sit still. Breathe. Don't move too much. Stay quiet mostly. Make space. Roll over. Take calls when you least want them...
So, in many ways work is paying me to sleep. I tried to do more, I did more, I'm still doing more, but now they're asking me to go back to sleep.
What if work paid me to dream? What if the share price was a reflection of the aggregate imagination of our department and the market's contributions to the sustainability of ideas? Yearly innovation quotas and dream-out metrics, compensation for those who unlock the mind, base pay for those who try. Vacations for top dreamers expensed by Vice President Freud. Weekly meetings with managers to discuss penetrating the territories of the mind. Monthly corrective action plans to prevent instances of nightmares. Forecasting possible dimensions of reasoning yet untouched and strategic implementations to charter these dimensions. All this for a dollar, and a world that dreams.
If they can pay me to sleep why won't they pay me to dream?
So, in many ways work is paying me to sleep. I tried to do more, I did more, I'm still doing more, but now they're asking me to go back to sleep.
What if work paid me to dream? What if the share price was a reflection of the aggregate imagination of our department and the market's contributions to the sustainability of ideas? Yearly innovation quotas and dream-out metrics, compensation for those who unlock the mind, base pay for those who try. Vacations for top dreamers expensed by Vice President Freud. Weekly meetings with managers to discuss penetrating the territories of the mind. Monthly corrective action plans to prevent instances of nightmares. Forecasting possible dimensions of reasoning yet untouched and strategic implementations to charter these dimensions. All this for a dollar, and a world that dreams.
If they can pay me to sleep why won't they pay me to dream?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Seven Days in Jamaica - August 2008
For those of you who were likely going to ask me, "So how was your trip to Jamaica?" the short answer is "Great!" But for anyone who wants something more detailed, I kept a running diary going whilst I was there. Day 1 is slow, but it picks up. Don't worry, it looks long but there's pictures.
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Jamaica Day 1 - A little history
'See Goat' my mom says to me as we drive in the air-conditioned bus from Montego Bay airport to the hotel.
New highway, they depaved the old side street due to all the traffic from the airport to the resorts. On the lefthandside resorts, intertwined with swamps and wrecked infrastructure - 'hurricane tax' I call it - on the righthandside, shanty towns and jerk stops. Further in the distance you can see the big houses 'up ina di hills.' The smart investment if you want a summerhouse here, less chance of damage, but anyway the north coast is made for those who cam afford to buy such houses.
Red sand everywhere after we pass Falmouth. I wonder if boxite is still a leading export in Jamaica. There were three major companies before, but Reynolds pulled out after robbing the people and country's infrastructure, Kaiser and Alcan are still in the works we think. Idle thoughts for an idle voyage. The air conditioning is frigid on this bus - I'm all for comfort but to be fair I came here for heat. The music selection is market segmentation at its best, they really want to remind white people why they chose Jamaica and not Cuba. After a couple familiar tracks they threw in the Bob Marley 'Legend' cd; good album, still. Regardless I have my mp3 playing now, so much for authentic experiences.
This really is the land of the wood and water. The forestry is most impeccable, and all the trees are baring. Between my aunt and I, only one of us can spot ripe breadfruit from the bus, I'm a humble cityboy.
Porto Seco was my moms beach growing up. It was public so anyone could use it. Jamaica passed legislation recently to make all beaches public so that the resiedents could exercise their right to enjoy their own land. After the 1990s, they really are fearful of the rest of the world abusing them, rightfully so.
Claremont and St. Ann's Bay we just bipassed, that my mom's area. We're going to finally visit it this time. I'm excited to see where she grew up. That's later this trip. Now we're passing Jacksol and Mammee bay, my moms excited. Staretown is where my grandfather's from, never met him. Some new houses have developed near the coast, some real mansions. Now we have reached the Riu hotel. Grande indeed. Noooo nooo noooooo. Gotta get checked in.
...
There's something different about the way the waves crash against the shore in Jamaica. It's unfair to compare it to Toronto, they're in different leagues, but I'm still amazed by how unique this feeling is. The sky doesn't quite touch the water but it feels so close. Closer than the fruit even.
As I write, I just fended off this guy I've named Aquafresh; a beach hustler with buck teeth. He 'works' the Marina as such. A jack of all hustles, his latest today was to trade me some herb for the food I can get for free here. I declined. I don't actually feel bad because he will eat tonight, my pious non-thievery notwithstanding. I'm quite far from the buffet and not in the mood to get up. I told him I would tomorrow - I meant it - if he finds me. I don't even know what I'm gonna do with the weed with no papers, maybe I can bargain that in tomorrow.
My cousin I think can read my seclusive impulses the best and he sees me at most once every two years now. He threatened to beat down my door if he doesn't see me at the concert and club tonight. Day 1, I'll show my face. I wish I could have brought my girlfriend, she would have enjoyed this. She also probably would've got Aquafresh the food for me.
I'm so tired, who pulls an all-nighter the night before his vacation? Blasted work. I ought to head over to the show, I don't think I'll survive the discoteca tonight. Final remark, not a mosquito as yet.
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Jamaica Day 2 - A lesson in humility, lost
They say New York is the city that never sleeps, I think they say something similar about Toronto. Regardless, Jamaica's louder than them both. Maybe I just got used to the sounds of traffic but these waves are thunderous when they hit the shore and the crickets have a unique Jamaican loudness.
I've settled in here, I'm eating too much. All-inclusives are a pain for those who aren't naturally inclined to moderation. Indeed, there is no spirit of Che beneath my actions here - I do not mind being served like a fat cat. Maybe I'm a victim of privilege, more probably I'm just in a selfish mood. What constitutes justifiable selfishness? Can a man vacate from having consideration, or am I committed to living for others with every breath that I take and so forth?
Today a different hustler approached my brother with a weed exchange proposition. He declined, but then my brother felt the need to offer something. Interesting situation, my brother offered him the rest of his Red Stripe (beer), he walked closer towards us and said, 'Listen, don't do that to me, I wouldn't do that to you.' ('What?') 'If I was offering you something I wouldn't give you something you already started, go get me a rum and coke!' ('I just figured you would want it, and I was going to throw it out here.') 'Then throw it out! Hey, in life don't do things that make me feel down here, you know, small.'
...interlace short scene with security intervention...
'Arite brothers, hey no worries about before, peace and love.' Exit hustler stage left.
I think if I heard this 6 months ago I would've thought this man taught my bro a life lesson in humility, but, here is my conjecture:
My brother got the beer from me, I gave it to him in exactly the same fashion as he offered it. I opened a beer I was never going to finish and gave it to him after a sip. Later, he offered the rest to the guy. My brother felt no insult or malice from me when I offered it, as we are equals, so why did the hustler feel the need to highlight the supposed insult of offering something half-used. I think it's mainly that we are in a position of have and he of have-not and so this gesture was insulting to him as it reminds him of this separation.
Now, my brother could (should?) have been extra sensitive to the situation and gone out of the way to negotiate something that would keep the man's pride in tact, but it's really not his job to tiptoe around the man's ego. Besides, we both knew there was a bit of hustling involved, the man really just wanted a rum and coke, not a Red Stripe. Second, the hustler knew security would have got involved if there was an exchange so he did my brother a favour by not taking it and tried to throw in a life lesson as a distraction.
All the same, he was a man of integrity and pride, I wonder if either or both of those qualities landed him where he is today.
I want to say more about today but i think my phone just broke.
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Jamaica Day 3 - Roots, Rock, Reggae
'Babylon ah pull ova' - The police pulled someone over, we all laughed.
We found out our driver is from the same place as my Grandfather. We just dropped off the tour guide lady at Dunn's river falls. We're gonna go through Fern Gully now. The last hurricane mashed it up, going to see what it's like now. We're on our way to the Bob Marley Mausoleum. Now we're in the original Ocho Rios, there was one road and one roundabout in my parents' day, you either go left or right. It's more developed now though, big marketplace.
...
30 minutes later up the hill, Beechamville Methodist Church. My mom's church. Sometimes when she and my aunts were late, they'd stop at the Anglican church St . Matthews instead, higher on the hill, but closer for them; but this is their church. Some of my great aunts and uncles were buried here. My mom is so excited, I wonder what it will be like when I show my kids my old stomping grounds, nearly as exciting?
Ferncourt highschool just further up the hill. Welcome to Claremount. Free range cows in a pasture so high up in the mountains, never would've expected that. Some of my mom's stories from childhood are starting to make sense. She wasn't joking about the climb of these hills. At some places the road is so narrow cars have to backup until we find a place that's wide enough to pass by each other. We passed about 2 cars rolled over in a ditch and the frame of a tour van that slipped all the way over the side. It's a scary sight and a scary drive.
...
The Mausoleum was an experience. This is why you come to Jamaica. I'm glad I came without my own money, I would've bought more. The tour was simple and superb, every Bob fan should go once - Mecca indeed. My takeback visions include 'The Single Bed' from Is This Love, and the meditation rock from whence Bob would lay, perform sacrament, seclude, read the good word and write songs. Nothing else was needed today to make it a complete day.
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Jamaica Day 4 - Isn't it Romantic?
Today was my cousin's wedding, a beautiful ceremony. I felt honoured, I tied the groom and best man's half-windsor knots as they changed in my room. I feel like an adult. I can still remember struggling in front of a computer screen trying to tie my first tie for highschool prom, reading the reversed directions and diagrams. My dad's lessons didn't stick. Now I'm here tying neckties for these two grown men. I absolve the term 'adolescent' and cordially accept the title of 'young adult.' I'm 25, after all. I think I'll send my child to private school so he doesn't face these routine elements of manhood so late in life.
Anyway, the wedding has actually turned me off of the idea of doing a resort wedding, for the following reasons:
i) It's piss hot! Notwithstanding the 1km jog I made (plus 5 flights of stairs) to get my aunt's slippers right before the ceremony, in my suit, I was sweating buckets. Good thing I wasn't the groom, the nerves alone would make me sweat. My cousin was sweating, my brother, sweating. I sweat enough in Toronto, let alone the Caribbean.
ii) I stepped on a Sea Urchin 1hr before the ceremony. Again, good thing I wasn't the groom.
iii) Some randoms, in their bathing suits, had the nerve not just to watch our private ceremony, they walked into the ceremonial area taking creeper cam photos. One we had to ask to move because he was in the photographer's photos for the bridal party. Are you kidding me? Which leads to my last problem...
iv) Resorts dont really care. It's not their business to, they've got too many mouths to feed. We're just another party with a reserved section, here and there. I demand more intimacy and attention at my wedding, sorry.
I love the destination idea, the excursion weeds away the guests you never wanted there anyway, but I'm going to fly my people somewhere cold and remote. I'll sweat through the honeymoon. Why is it called honemoon anyway?
Regardless, the ceremony and reception were the bomb. Stupid idea or not (remember, see urchin thorns in foot) I never thought I'd dance the Soulja Boy with my mom and cousins on a beach. I had to force her onto the 'floor' (we partied on the sand). She liked the 'supaman that ho' part of the dance. I don't have the heart to tell her what any of the lyrics mean.
Anyway, my foot hurt after that, so I sat out the other dances and skipped the club. I used the time to call my girlfriend and soak in the romance of the night.
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Jamaica Day 5 - Life Equals Water and Chicken
We got rest of the Sea Urchin thorns out last night. Good thing I brought my OHIP card, 2 Ontario nurses were on the scene in no time. That's actually a joke, my mom and aunt are both nurses. In total I think 15 thorns were in my foot. Not bad considering I'm assumng the crunch I heard under the water meant I killed the bugger as he stung me. Anyway, a painful hour of squeezing, tweezing and disinfecting later, my feet are back in action.
So I was ready to tackle the Cool Runnings tour; highly recommended if you're into water stuff. First there was snorkling. I must admit, I was a virgin and too proud/ashamed to take lessons. Anyway a minute or two of breathing in water through my pipe and then I learned how to put the mouthpiece on properly. It was fun, but I was scared of touching anything after yesterday's urchin attack.
Next came the climb up Dunn's River falls - 960ft of rock, covered with pouring white waterfalls. Dangerous at most places, but easily negotiable with some balance and common sense. Today is Independence Day for Jamaica, a national holiday. The British left in 1838 I think. (Why do they always leave in the summer?) Anyway, 1/2 the population of Jamaica were chilling at the falls. Any details of the climb I think would ruin the experience for you, so I'll just say for me it was unique, so you should go too.
After that we partied at sea with a little 1hr boat cruise bonanza. Big waves made dancing harder but more enjoyable. As has gone most of the week, I wish my girlfriend was here.
The other half of Jamaica's population was at KFC, we found out tonight. My brother had the brave idea to get their BBQ chicken tonight since we have reservations for the rest of the trip at the resort. We took it back to the resort. The looks of shock, disgust, envy, were all expected and well worth the taste of Jamaica's KFC BBQ sauce which is different than the States' or Canada's. Suffice it to say I have typed this entire message laying on my side, and must now take a brief bathroom break.
...
A brief reflection on all inclusive resorts and relationships:
I originally started keeping this journal to keep my Cheeni ('Sugar') informed of my goings-on, but as I call her everyday anyway, this has evolved into a story which is as much for me and you as it is for her.
I have to say, a resort can be a good place to meet people and hook up. I've met some nice people here, people are more laid back than I usually find them to be at these places. I used to think the resort flex was overrated, but I guess the key thing to remember is, most of the clothes are already off (yours and hers), so all that's left to discover is a function of personality; that either works in your favour or against you.
So if you're single, dance on, you might find the one, and your bed is made for you, so no fear of bringing her back to your crib and remembering you left your porno dvds on the floor by your bed (there are no dvd players in this place anyway). However, if you are in a relationship (and want to stay in one), please heed these words: Bring your girlfriend. You'll end up missing her more than you thought you would, and long distance calls aint cheap. Plus calling cards are a scam, you get half the minutes you pay for. But worst of all, even when you're having a better time than you expected, with everything you do here, you take a moment to reflect on how much nicer it would be if she was doing it with you. Maybe I'm just in the honeymoon phase and that's why this is so hard, but why patronize myself? This trip really would taste better with some Cheeni.
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Jamaica Day 6 - Aaaaction!
Today I went ATV driving. Driving a used Honda Civic makes you forget what kind of elements a 4-wheel drive automobile with shocks can do. I was quite timid at first, well not entirely. I still took the fast bike, because really why wouldn't I? But I was a bit scared taking corners in the practice pit. I started to reflect on riding a bike as a kid, how I lived for a skinned knee as long as I could pull off a wheely. The trip uphill was a bit boring because I was stuck behind a real slouch. On the way back down one of our instructors gave us some leeway and I tore through some serious dirt with my brother. ATV's at full throttle are quite a thrill. It really is a lot of fun, beats the hell out of go-karting.
After that was the cliff jumping. See the pictures attached to this note - they speak for themselves. My advice: Plan your dive before you dive; a spiral is not something you just throw in, as the result may be a 20 ft bellyflop. My body is currently half-red. My mosquito bites and any skin blemishes are inflamed all up my left side. It feels like someone ironed their pants on me. The pain makes the laughter not at all worth it. I think my body has suffered its last bellyflop. This was truly unsafe. I made an excellent dive afterwards, I'll attach that photo as well. Perfect form, mind the gut.
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Interlude - A Beach Meditation at Night
Do the stars make you feel significant or insignificant? When you look into the vast sky with millions of stars, some shining brighter than others are you reminded that you are only one in a trillion, a spec, grossly irrelevant, and galactically ineffectual? Or have you successfully romanticized your existence with self-reverent qualities such as uniqueness, speciality, fortune and individuality?
Do the stars make you feel significant or insignificant? When you see them on stage, behind the silver screen or behind the podium, are you reminded that people love and hate them in large numbers, much larger than they do you? Do you remember that they have billions of followers and dissenters, each moving to the cadence of their drums? That they strike against the very pulse of human activity at their own whim - the truest expression of humanity - whilst you wait for the signal and move, to or fro, depending on your current disposition, with or against the current of their expression? Or have you successfully confused your disposition with position?
Do you feel as though your expression of disagreement is any more relevant than someone else's expression of agreement, when both are but a reaction to a cause, an event, a moment, - a star's moment - worth recording, unlike your opinion?
Are you sure that you have ever drank from the nectar of choice? Or might every sip so far have come from concentrate, or rather after concentration; sullied with preservatives, or rather, hopes of preservation?
Or do the stars no longer move you? Fear not, for an immovable object IS an immeasurable force. Might it be the case that all of those stars are waiting, looking to their own skies, curiously watching out for you? Perhaps the stars which shine brightest do so for you to see them first? They call out to you, for you. Will you listen, and shine back, like a puppy, obedient? Will you ignore, and dim your lights, like a kitty, shy?
Or, were you never really waiting for other stars to shine?
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Day 7 - Early Discharge, in Spirit
Last night I received notice that no investigation was ever formed about the mp3 player and speaker that was stolen from my room. Today I received the insurance claim form, irrelevant as we did not buy insurance (it would have cost more than the mp3 player). The part that bugs me is that the form reads, almost spitefully, 'Please note that this letter is not a confirmation of items lost.'
All-in-all, I would not recommend the Riu Grande Ocho Rios. My obvious reason for bias notwithstanding, I've been to better resorts with MUCH better beaches. The sand soccer pitch was well appreciated although.
Today was a pathetic fallacy of my overall discontent with the resort. I finally got jerk pork, it was burnt. I took a last dip in the sea, thunderstorm. We finally booked one of the restaurants for dinner successfully, unarguably the worst asian food I have ever tasted in life, a blessing in disguise as I am plump from this vacation.
I slept a lot today. That end-of-vacation fatigue came a day early. Better than a day late. I'm a little excited and scared about getting back to work. Full-time life is not easy getting re-adjusted to.
Anything else I say would either be dribble or baggage, so thanks for reading and enjoy the pictures!!
Oh yea, and I found out the meaning for honeymoon. Though it has no official etymology, the term is supposed to reflect that the first month (lunar, hence moon) in a relationship is the sweetest. Previously newlyweds would visit relatives who could not make the wedding in the first month of matrimony, but I guess eventually people got tired of this tradition. I guess the men more concerned with 'striking the iron while it was still hot,' as it were.
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Jamaica Day 1 - A little history
'See Goat' my mom says to me as we drive in the air-conditioned bus from Montego Bay airport to the hotel.
New highway, they depaved the old side street due to all the traffic from the airport to the resorts. On the lefthandside resorts, intertwined with swamps and wrecked infrastructure - 'hurricane tax' I call it - on the righthandside, shanty towns and jerk stops. Further in the distance you can see the big houses 'up ina di hills.' The smart investment if you want a summerhouse here, less chance of damage, but anyway the north coast is made for those who cam afford to buy such houses.
Red sand everywhere after we pass Falmouth. I wonder if boxite is still a leading export in Jamaica. There were three major companies before, but Reynolds pulled out after robbing the people and country's infrastructure, Kaiser and Alcan are still in the works we think. Idle thoughts for an idle voyage. The air conditioning is frigid on this bus - I'm all for comfort but to be fair I came here for heat. The music selection is market segmentation at its best, they really want to remind white people why they chose Jamaica and not Cuba. After a couple familiar tracks they threw in the Bob Marley 'Legend' cd; good album, still. Regardless I have my mp3 playing now, so much for authentic experiences.
This really is the land of the wood and water. The forestry is most impeccable, and all the trees are baring. Between my aunt and I, only one of us can spot ripe breadfruit from the bus, I'm a humble cityboy.
Porto Seco was my moms beach growing up. It was public so anyone could use it. Jamaica passed legislation recently to make all beaches public so that the resiedents could exercise their right to enjoy their own land. After the 1990s, they really are fearful of the rest of the world abusing them, rightfully so.
Claremont and St. Ann's Bay we just bipassed, that my mom's area. We're going to finally visit it this time. I'm excited to see where she grew up. That's later this trip. Now we're passing Jacksol and Mammee bay, my moms excited. Staretown is where my grandfather's from, never met him. Some new houses have developed near the coast, some real mansions. Now we have reached the Riu hotel. Grande indeed. Noooo nooo noooooo. Gotta get checked in.
...
There's something different about the way the waves crash against the shore in Jamaica. It's unfair to compare it to Toronto, they're in different leagues, but I'm still amazed by how unique this feeling is. The sky doesn't quite touch the water but it feels so close. Closer than the fruit even.
As I write, I just fended off this guy I've named Aquafresh; a beach hustler with buck teeth. He 'works' the Marina as such. A jack of all hustles, his latest today was to trade me some herb for the food I can get for free here. I declined. I don't actually feel bad because he will eat tonight, my pious non-thievery notwithstanding. I'm quite far from the buffet and not in the mood to get up. I told him I would tomorrow - I meant it - if he finds me. I don't even know what I'm gonna do with the weed with no papers, maybe I can bargain that in tomorrow.
My cousin I think can read my seclusive impulses the best and he sees me at most once every two years now. He threatened to beat down my door if he doesn't see me at the concert and club tonight. Day 1, I'll show my face. I wish I could have brought my girlfriend, she would have enjoyed this. She also probably would've got Aquafresh the food for me.
I'm so tired, who pulls an all-nighter the night before his vacation? Blasted work. I ought to head over to the show, I don't think I'll survive the discoteca tonight. Final remark, not a mosquito as yet.
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Jamaica Day 2 - A lesson in humility, lost
They say New York is the city that never sleeps, I think they say something similar about Toronto. Regardless, Jamaica's louder than them both. Maybe I just got used to the sounds of traffic but these waves are thunderous when they hit the shore and the crickets have a unique Jamaican loudness.
I've settled in here, I'm eating too much. All-inclusives are a pain for those who aren't naturally inclined to moderation. Indeed, there is no spirit of Che beneath my actions here - I do not mind being served like a fat cat. Maybe I'm a victim of privilege, more probably I'm just in a selfish mood. What constitutes justifiable selfishness? Can a man vacate from having consideration, or am I committed to living for others with every breath that I take and so forth?
Today a different hustler approached my brother with a weed exchange proposition. He declined, but then my brother felt the need to offer something. Interesting situation, my brother offered him the rest of his Red Stripe (beer), he walked closer towards us and said, 'Listen, don't do that to me, I wouldn't do that to you.' ('What?') 'If I was offering you something I wouldn't give you something you already started, go get me a rum and coke!' ('I just figured you would want it, and I was going to throw it out here.') 'Then throw it out! Hey, in life don't do things that make me feel down here, you know, small.'
...interlace short scene with security intervention...
'Arite brothers, hey no worries about before, peace and love.' Exit hustler stage left.
I think if I heard this 6 months ago I would've thought this man taught my bro a life lesson in humility, but, here is my conjecture:
My brother got the beer from me, I gave it to him in exactly the same fashion as he offered it. I opened a beer I was never going to finish and gave it to him after a sip. Later, he offered the rest to the guy. My brother felt no insult or malice from me when I offered it, as we are equals, so why did the hustler feel the need to highlight the supposed insult of offering something half-used. I think it's mainly that we are in a position of have and he of have-not and so this gesture was insulting to him as it reminds him of this separation.
Now, my brother could (should?) have been extra sensitive to the situation and gone out of the way to negotiate something that would keep the man's pride in tact, but it's really not his job to tiptoe around the man's ego. Besides, we both knew there was a bit of hustling involved, the man really just wanted a rum and coke, not a Red Stripe. Second, the hustler knew security would have got involved if there was an exchange so he did my brother a favour by not taking it and tried to throw in a life lesson as a distraction.
All the same, he was a man of integrity and pride, I wonder if either or both of those qualities landed him where he is today.
I want to say more about today but i think my phone just broke.
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Jamaica Day 3 - Roots, Rock, Reggae
'Babylon ah pull ova' - The police pulled someone over, we all laughed.
We found out our driver is from the same place as my Grandfather. We just dropped off the tour guide lady at Dunn's river falls. We're gonna go through Fern Gully now. The last hurricane mashed it up, going to see what it's like now. We're on our way to the Bob Marley Mausoleum. Now we're in the original Ocho Rios, there was one road and one roundabout in my parents' day, you either go left or right. It's more developed now though, big marketplace.
...
30 minutes later up the hill, Beechamville Methodist Church. My mom's church. Sometimes when she and my aunts were late, they'd stop at the Anglican church St . Matthews instead, higher on the hill, but closer for them; but this is their church. Some of my great aunts and uncles were buried here. My mom is so excited, I wonder what it will be like when I show my kids my old stomping grounds, nearly as exciting?
Ferncourt highschool just further up the hill. Welcome to Claremount. Free range cows in a pasture so high up in the mountains, never would've expected that. Some of my mom's stories from childhood are starting to make sense. She wasn't joking about the climb of these hills. At some places the road is so narrow cars have to backup until we find a place that's wide enough to pass by each other. We passed about 2 cars rolled over in a ditch and the frame of a tour van that slipped all the way over the side. It's a scary sight and a scary drive.
...
The Mausoleum was an experience. This is why you come to Jamaica. I'm glad I came without my own money, I would've bought more. The tour was simple and superb, every Bob fan should go once - Mecca indeed. My takeback visions include 'The Single Bed' from Is This Love, and the meditation rock from whence Bob would lay, perform sacrament, seclude, read the good word and write songs. Nothing else was needed today to make it a complete day.
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Jamaica Day 4 - Isn't it Romantic?
Today was my cousin's wedding, a beautiful ceremony. I felt honoured, I tied the groom and best man's half-windsor knots as they changed in my room. I feel like an adult. I can still remember struggling in front of a computer screen trying to tie my first tie for highschool prom, reading the reversed directions and diagrams. My dad's lessons didn't stick. Now I'm here tying neckties for these two grown men. I absolve the term 'adolescent' and cordially accept the title of 'young adult.' I'm 25, after all. I think I'll send my child to private school so he doesn't face these routine elements of manhood so late in life.
Anyway, the wedding has actually turned me off of the idea of doing a resort wedding, for the following reasons:
i) It's piss hot! Notwithstanding the 1km jog I made (plus 5 flights of stairs) to get my aunt's slippers right before the ceremony, in my suit, I was sweating buckets. Good thing I wasn't the groom, the nerves alone would make me sweat. My cousin was sweating, my brother, sweating. I sweat enough in Toronto, let alone the Caribbean.
ii) I stepped on a Sea Urchin 1hr before the ceremony. Again, good thing I wasn't the groom.
iii) Some randoms, in their bathing suits, had the nerve not just to watch our private ceremony, they walked into the ceremonial area taking creeper cam photos. One we had to ask to move because he was in the photographer's photos for the bridal party. Are you kidding me? Which leads to my last problem...
iv) Resorts dont really care. It's not their business to, they've got too many mouths to feed. We're just another party with a reserved section, here and there. I demand more intimacy and attention at my wedding, sorry.
I love the destination idea, the excursion weeds away the guests you never wanted there anyway, but I'm going to fly my people somewhere cold and remote. I'll sweat through the honeymoon. Why is it called honemoon anyway?
Regardless, the ceremony and reception were the bomb. Stupid idea or not (remember, see urchin thorns in foot) I never thought I'd dance the Soulja Boy with my mom and cousins on a beach. I had to force her onto the 'floor' (we partied on the sand). She liked the 'supaman that ho' part of the dance. I don't have the heart to tell her what any of the lyrics mean.
Anyway, my foot hurt after that, so I sat out the other dances and skipped the club. I used the time to call my girlfriend and soak in the romance of the night.
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Jamaica Day 5 - Life Equals Water and Chicken
We got rest of the Sea Urchin thorns out last night. Good thing I brought my OHIP card, 2 Ontario nurses were on the scene in no time. That's actually a joke, my mom and aunt are both nurses. In total I think 15 thorns were in my foot. Not bad considering I'm assumng the crunch I heard under the water meant I killed the bugger as he stung me. Anyway, a painful hour of squeezing, tweezing and disinfecting later, my feet are back in action.
So I was ready to tackle the Cool Runnings tour; highly recommended if you're into water stuff. First there was snorkling. I must admit, I was a virgin and too proud/ashamed to take lessons. Anyway a minute or two of breathing in water through my pipe and then I learned how to put the mouthpiece on properly. It was fun, but I was scared of touching anything after yesterday's urchin attack.
Next came the climb up Dunn's River falls - 960ft of rock, covered with pouring white waterfalls. Dangerous at most places, but easily negotiable with some balance and common sense. Today is Independence Day for Jamaica, a national holiday. The British left in 1838 I think. (Why do they always leave in the summer?) Anyway, 1/2 the population of Jamaica were chilling at the falls. Any details of the climb I think would ruin the experience for you, so I'll just say for me it was unique, so you should go too.
After that we partied at sea with a little 1hr boat cruise bonanza. Big waves made dancing harder but more enjoyable. As has gone most of the week, I wish my girlfriend was here.
The other half of Jamaica's population was at KFC, we found out tonight. My brother had the brave idea to get their BBQ chicken tonight since we have reservations for the rest of the trip at the resort. We took it back to the resort. The looks of shock, disgust, envy, were all expected and well worth the taste of Jamaica's KFC BBQ sauce which is different than the States' or Canada's. Suffice it to say I have typed this entire message laying on my side, and must now take a brief bathroom break.
...
A brief reflection on all inclusive resorts and relationships:
I originally started keeping this journal to keep my Cheeni ('Sugar') informed of my goings-on, but as I call her everyday anyway, this has evolved into a story which is as much for me and you as it is for her.
I have to say, a resort can be a good place to meet people and hook up. I've met some nice people here, people are more laid back than I usually find them to be at these places. I used to think the resort flex was overrated, but I guess the key thing to remember is, most of the clothes are already off (yours and hers), so all that's left to discover is a function of personality; that either works in your favour or against you.
So if you're single, dance on, you might find the one, and your bed is made for you, so no fear of bringing her back to your crib and remembering you left your porno dvds on the floor by your bed (there are no dvd players in this place anyway). However, if you are in a relationship (and want to stay in one), please heed these words: Bring your girlfriend. You'll end up missing her more than you thought you would, and long distance calls aint cheap. Plus calling cards are a scam, you get half the minutes you pay for. But worst of all, even when you're having a better time than you expected, with everything you do here, you take a moment to reflect on how much nicer it would be if she was doing it with you. Maybe I'm just in the honeymoon phase and that's why this is so hard, but why patronize myself? This trip really would taste better with some Cheeni.
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Jamaica Day 6 - Aaaaction!
Today I went ATV driving. Driving a used Honda Civic makes you forget what kind of elements a 4-wheel drive automobile with shocks can do. I was quite timid at first, well not entirely. I still took the fast bike, because really why wouldn't I? But I was a bit scared taking corners in the practice pit. I started to reflect on riding a bike as a kid, how I lived for a skinned knee as long as I could pull off a wheely. The trip uphill was a bit boring because I was stuck behind a real slouch. On the way back down one of our instructors gave us some leeway and I tore through some serious dirt with my brother. ATV's at full throttle are quite a thrill. It really is a lot of fun, beats the hell out of go-karting.
After that was the cliff jumping. See the pictures attached to this note - they speak for themselves. My advice: Plan your dive before you dive; a spiral is not something you just throw in, as the result may be a 20 ft bellyflop. My body is currently half-red. My mosquito bites and any skin blemishes are inflamed all up my left side. It feels like someone ironed their pants on me. The pain makes the laughter not at all worth it. I think my body has suffered its last bellyflop. This was truly unsafe. I made an excellent dive afterwards, I'll attach that photo as well. Perfect form, mind the gut.
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Interlude - A Beach Meditation at Night
Do the stars make you feel significant or insignificant? When you look into the vast sky with millions of stars, some shining brighter than others are you reminded that you are only one in a trillion, a spec, grossly irrelevant, and galactically ineffectual? Or have you successfully romanticized your existence with self-reverent qualities such as uniqueness, speciality, fortune and individuality?
Do the stars make you feel significant or insignificant? When you see them on stage, behind the silver screen or behind the podium, are you reminded that people love and hate them in large numbers, much larger than they do you? Do you remember that they have billions of followers and dissenters, each moving to the cadence of their drums? That they strike against the very pulse of human activity at their own whim - the truest expression of humanity - whilst you wait for the signal and move, to or fro, depending on your current disposition, with or against the current of their expression? Or have you successfully confused your disposition with position?
Do you feel as though your expression of disagreement is any more relevant than someone else's expression of agreement, when both are but a reaction to a cause, an event, a moment, - a star's moment - worth recording, unlike your opinion?
Are you sure that you have ever drank from the nectar of choice? Or might every sip so far have come from concentrate, or rather after concentration; sullied with preservatives, or rather, hopes of preservation?
Or do the stars no longer move you? Fear not, for an immovable object IS an immeasurable force. Might it be the case that all of those stars are waiting, looking to their own skies, curiously watching out for you? Perhaps the stars which shine brightest do so for you to see them first? They call out to you, for you. Will you listen, and shine back, like a puppy, obedient? Will you ignore, and dim your lights, like a kitty, shy?
Or, were you never really waiting for other stars to shine?
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Day 7 - Early Discharge, in Spirit
Last night I received notice that no investigation was ever formed about the mp3 player and speaker that was stolen from my room. Today I received the insurance claim form, irrelevant as we did not buy insurance (it would have cost more than the mp3 player). The part that bugs me is that the form reads, almost spitefully, 'Please note that this letter is not a confirmation of items lost.'
All-in-all, I would not recommend the Riu Grande Ocho Rios. My obvious reason for bias notwithstanding, I've been to better resorts with MUCH better beaches. The sand soccer pitch was well appreciated although.
Today was a pathetic fallacy of my overall discontent with the resort. I finally got jerk pork, it was burnt. I took a last dip in the sea, thunderstorm. We finally booked one of the restaurants for dinner successfully, unarguably the worst asian food I have ever tasted in life, a blessing in disguise as I am plump from this vacation.
I slept a lot today. That end-of-vacation fatigue came a day early. Better than a day late. I'm a little excited and scared about getting back to work. Full-time life is not easy getting re-adjusted to.
Anything else I say would either be dribble or baggage, so thanks for reading and enjoy the pictures!!
Oh yea, and I found out the meaning for honeymoon. Though it has no official etymology, the term is supposed to reflect that the first month (lunar, hence moon) in a relationship is the sweetest. Previously newlyweds would visit relatives who could not make the wedding in the first month of matrimony, but I guess eventually people got tired of this tradition. I guess the men more concerned with 'striking the iron while it was still hot,' as it were.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Out of Touch, On a Whim
Someday soon I hope to revisit myself, but for the time being I'm on a path that leads me as far away from myself as possible. The air doesn't taste the same, the grass doesn't smell the same. I long to be overwhelmed and happy at the same time. Seems like I'm on a completely different playing field; I'm still getting used to turf. At the same time, I think I've stopped crying over spilled milk, I don't mind that the times they are a changin'.
Pretense is jail, I prefer the truth, the ever-changing me. People will always be inclined to have you fit the categories they've decided you belong to. So long as you are willing to keep them happy, obeying their rules, you'll never be liberated from the person you never were. Change the way you respond daily, i say. That's the easiest way to rid yourself of the expectations of the wicked.
I plan to become someone else. Strictly speaking, it's not really a plan. I'm simply embracing my environment. I've always feared that by doing so I'll end up like all the other robots. But it's too late for that, I'm thoroughly convinced that there's more to life than a mortgage and a couple of small, smelly bipeds to call my own. I'm also convinced there's more to life than the me you all enjoy.
So now that I have the courage to face forward as a potential man and not a potential automaton I'm putting away my shell and allowing my environment to touch my skin. What does tomorrow hold? More of the same, I'm not a hopeless romantic, I'm well aware it's a Monday. A Monday no different than any other, but brought to you by a Jamil never witnessed before - in Dolby 5.0
Pretense is jail, I prefer the truth, the ever-changing me. People will always be inclined to have you fit the categories they've decided you belong to. So long as you are willing to keep them happy, obeying their rules, you'll never be liberated from the person you never were. Change the way you respond daily, i say. That's the easiest way to rid yourself of the expectations of the wicked.
I plan to become someone else. Strictly speaking, it's not really a plan. I'm simply embracing my environment. I've always feared that by doing so I'll end up like all the other robots. But it's too late for that, I'm thoroughly convinced that there's more to life than a mortgage and a couple of small, smelly bipeds to call my own. I'm also convinced there's more to life than the me you all enjoy.
So now that I have the courage to face forward as a potential man and not a potential automaton I'm putting away my shell and allowing my environment to touch my skin. What does tomorrow hold? More of the same, I'm not a hopeless romantic, I'm well aware it's a Monday. A Monday no different than any other, but brought to you by a Jamil never witnessed before - in Dolby 5.0
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