The first time I felt your energy out there I was asleep. You woke up everything inside of me but kept my eyelids shut. I thought maybe you were in the room so I kept them shut for you. I didn't want to ruin the secret. I was so happy that you were finally back. I spent well over 10 years waiting. Everyone I had met so far in this life told me that you were here somewhere, but only I would recognize you. Finally, that night you came to me and gave me a kiss from the inside out and I felt so happy.
You know, I still remember in our last lives when we were both bugs. We didn't feel like bugs but I guess that's what we were after all huh? Remember when that big caterpillar jerk walked all over your pit and sealed you in, so I jumped over and fluttered about to scare him down the other side? I don't think I even scared him to be honest, he kind of just kept walking in that direction. Anyway, I couldn't show you back then when I helped unpack the sand he trampled over you but I was actually so frightened. I didn't think I could do it, but I scared him off! I just knew I had to though, like I was supposed to. When you came to the surface and looked at me I think that was the first time a ladybug never fluttered her wings about to scare me off. They would always try to scare or excite me with their spots. But you, you just looked at me and didn't react at all, and that was enough for me to know that I did the right thing, that you would appreciate me and what I've done for you.
I don't remember much after that. Just a bright light, some time in the middle and then here I was, a baby.
Well I've been looking for you to give me the same kind of signal here. Why didn't you let me open my eyes that night? I just want to know what you look like so I can stop bugging all the other girls. Everytime I try to help them out or look into their eyes to see if they look familiar they pretty much do the same thing as the ladybugs. Fluttering around and flaunting their pretty spots. Scaring me or exciting me just to see if I'll budge. If I budge, then they laugh because they know I'm frightened, or excited. What they don't know is that I'm not scared of them or what they can do at all - they're just spots. I'm just scared I'll never find you. So I walk away from them with the same pace that I used to track them down, a little bit slower each time.
I thought I saw you a few times in those other girls. Their eyes were so...inviting. They even lay down their shells and were kind of relaxed around me, for awhile. They let me examine their spots and I shared with them some delightful conversations. I assured them that they wouldn't need their spots anymore if I was around. I would keep the predators at bay, just like I did with that caterpillar. But eventually, every time, I would go see them and lo and behold the spots were back. They fluttered them around with a hoot and a holler, and so I left.
I'm so disappointed. I don't know where to look anymore. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong sign. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for the calming connection we had last time. After all, we've changed a great deal since then. Well I have, I hope you're not still a ladybug. Anyway, I do have some work to do in this life, being a human really is harder than being a bug, less guidance. I think what I'm going to try to do is close my eyes at night the way I used to. I'll keep them shut real tight and I promise I won't open them. Just pay me a visit one night and give me another kiss from the inside out so that I know I didn't miss you this time around.