When did it happen? I finally know how Austin Powers felt when he lost his mojo. I say, forget about the tree falling in the woods; here's a deep philosophical question for you: "If every girl in the world thinks that you're a girl, does that make you a girl?" Let's do a quick recap of the events of this month:
-While walking across the gym at school, I almost accidentaly walked into the ladies' change room with a friend. Neither the employees at the desk, the girl i was walking with, nor the complete stranger that was CHANGING was bothered by this. Why?... Cuz i'm just another girl.
-Countless times this month have I been asked, "So, do you know any cute guys?" Ockham's razor suggests that the simplest solution is the best solution. So why is it that these girls don't say, "hey wait a second, i'm talking to Jam!"...Cuz i'm just another girl.
-A few times I have been asked, "Oh Jam, why don't you have a girlfriend?" At the time I had no answer, but at last I know the secret!!! It's....cuz i'm just another girl.
So I grew the facial hair out a bit to restore my appearance of masculinity. I figured at the very least I would be seen as an ugly girl, and then the girls wouldn't want me in their group. But I forgot about the code among hot girls. In every group of hot girls, there's that 1 ugly chick. You know the one that's really funny and nice to get to know, but can't get no action? And you wonder how they even fit into the group, and then you realise it's so the sexygirls can use her when they feel blue to feel better about themselves? Lately that chick has been me. Somewhere along the way, my appeal to the opposite sex fell drastically (much like the tree in the woods) and i wasn't around to witness it. Appearantly the tree does still make a sound! In my case, the sound went something like this, "Don't date him, he's much better as a friend!" Now the friend zone is a problem I'm sure everyone can relate to. I don't gotta go into detail about how much it frustrates me, but something else bothers me even more now.
I'm that guy!!! That guy that no man wants to be; that guy that no man respects. I'm that guy with all the hot lady friends. They all confide in me and tell me every last detail of their sexygirl lives! I know all of the sexy girls, and some guys think I'm the man, and tell me as much, but I know i'm not, and the girls know I'm not. "But Jam" they ask, "how is it that you're not the man, even though you're living out all of our fantasies?" "Because, my friend..." I tell them, "because really....i'm just another girl"
Now I know how lesbians feel. Cuz see, lesbians already know they have no chance with like 85% of the girls they meet, unless they're down in New Oreleans, or Western, or unless they slip a mickey in some other chick's drink. So with the remaing 15% that ARE lesbian, your common lesbian - let's call her Butch - still has to wonder, "Is she really lesbian? does she like me? should I do it? this is so rare!" Plus, Butch still has to put up with the lesbians that are:
a) still too scared to admit they're lesbian;
b) those lesbians who admit it, but can't be openly lesbian for social reasons, and finally
c) those lesbians who are fully open for a lesbian relationship, but still refuse to make the first move, because "The Butch girl should make the first move"
That leaves Butch with about 5% of the original crop of girls. On the regular, half of the remaining few are too ugly (c'mon, even Butch has standards!) which leaves you with 2.5%
Out of every 100 girls Butch knows, she has a chance with 2 attracitve girls, and 1 midget.
If you haven't figured it out yet the thrust of this metaphor is that I am Butch, and Butch is me. I guess I must know 97 women then! When I meet that midget she better be hot!
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Turkey Walkin'
I've never felt so full and so empty at the same time.
I went to Frankie Tomatto's yesterday. I can still feel the weight. And then I had pizza today. Soon, I will resemble your average turkey, barely slim enough to walk. Thank goodness for soccer. I've been working it out, and it looks as though I'm gonna have soccer about 4 days a week from here on. So I won't necessarily have to clear the cobwebs off of the treadmill in the basement. Why disturb the spiders, i say!
Time is a big issue. I'm having what I call the "Spring Cleaning Sydrome." You know that feeling you get when u're cleaning you're room, and with every pair of shorts you pick up off the ground, you find 4 more that need to be put away as well? Well that's my situation now, both literally and figuratively. I've been working on my room for a few hour now; should be done tonight. And as for my homework, well any time describing my problem is time that could have been used solving the problem. I need the grades this semester, so I'll just get to it!
I feel rather unintelligent this term. I think I'm still feeling the affects of last term. All the same, in every course, I find myself making careless mistakes, while trying to be increibly careful. I guess I'll just have to put more work into it. The thing is, my drive is gone. I look at job postings online and I don't even want to respond to them. I look at my textbooks and I don't even want to read the words. I've got that empty feeling, like i'm just here, but I'm not sure why. That's a good thing for management students tho. I'm growing accustomed to doing rather then thinking these days. I guess that's how you get by. To get the grades, you think the way UofT tells you to think, just do the work. Well, it sounds like the van is home. I'm gonna go to school and get some work done. Gotta love the weekend!
I went to Frankie Tomatto's yesterday. I can still feel the weight. And then I had pizza today. Soon, I will resemble your average turkey, barely slim enough to walk. Thank goodness for soccer. I've been working it out, and it looks as though I'm gonna have soccer about 4 days a week from here on. So I won't necessarily have to clear the cobwebs off of the treadmill in the basement. Why disturb the spiders, i say!
Time is a big issue. I'm having what I call the "Spring Cleaning Sydrome." You know that feeling you get when u're cleaning you're room, and with every pair of shorts you pick up off the ground, you find 4 more that need to be put away as well? Well that's my situation now, both literally and figuratively. I've been working on my room for a few hour now; should be done tonight. And as for my homework, well any time describing my problem is time that could have been used solving the problem. I need the grades this semester, so I'll just get to it!
I feel rather unintelligent this term. I think I'm still feeling the affects of last term. All the same, in every course, I find myself making careless mistakes, while trying to be increibly careful. I guess I'll just have to put more work into it. The thing is, my drive is gone. I look at job postings online and I don't even want to respond to them. I look at my textbooks and I don't even want to read the words. I've got that empty feeling, like i'm just here, but I'm not sure why. That's a good thing for management students tho. I'm growing accustomed to doing rather then thinking these days. I guess that's how you get by. To get the grades, you think the way UofT tells you to think, just do the work. Well, it sounds like the van is home. I'm gonna go to school and get some work done. Gotta love the weekend!
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Like a kid in a candy store
I don't know what I want, with respect to everything. Name a commodity and I could go either way right now. That includes love. Who needs it? I'm so used to thinking that I do, but come to think of it, I've spent most of my life w/o it, and I'm still here. And I mean, me still likey da ladies, don't get me wrong, but I barely get enough sleep at night now, can I really afford to lose more?
For my econ people, I guess what I'm saying that I'm in the inelastic portion of the 'demand for lovin curve' - wherein, I would be better off (utility wise) by reducing my quantity of sex per hour, and increasing my consumption of some other inferior/normal good, i.e. studying, or chocolate.
And then there's the 'paradox of friend.' You look for a girl who has the personality traits of a really good friend, and then they're your friend. I have been dubbed, "Friend God" by a lady friend of mine. Well I plan to circumvent the effects of the friend zone soon enough. But that's a side project. Soon enough you'll all know what I mean.
The core question: Which girl do I even really want to impress? It used to be so easy having yellow fever as a kid. I'd just be like, well there's 300 girls in this school... 2 of them are asian... I'll go for one of them! Then I came to UTSC, and now I can't turn in 2 directions w/o seeing an azn honey! Look at me, i spelled it 'azn!!' So then now I've had to be all specific about what I want in a woman! Do I even want a chinese girl anymore? Can I drink anymore bubble tea? I'm not big on tapioca, but the fruit jelly teas are alright. So I've reopened the boarders, so to speak. I've somewhat overcome the effects of yellow fever. To be fair to myself, I've made a few insulting stipulations for the woman of my dreams, so as to narrow down the search to a select few.
1) No fat chicks.
Yea, I'm no spring-chicken either, but at least I'm workin on that. I don't mind a bit of junk in the trunk, but if there's too much junk you mess up the rear suspension! (I'm rather happy with that pun. hehe, rear suspension!)
2) No 'weight-watchers.'
I can carry the load of my wallet just fine thank you, there's no need for you to lighten the load! And yes, I do carry a lot of change; currency is currency! If you ask me, the difference between the price of a movie at morningside and a movie at STC is disproportionate to the difference in quality. And flowers??? Flowers are nothing more then the sex organs of plants. If you want a sex organ...
3) No phonecalls.
To check to see when my phone is available for conversation, please check www.telusmobility.com. To check to see when I'M available for conversation, please read the following golden rule: "If I saw you in the last 48 hours, you've done nothing important enough to arouse my interest." Get used to the phrase, "I'll see you around at school I guess."
4) High Marginal Utility
The more you do something, the less you want to do it again. When we were kids, we'd kill to go to Canada's wonderland (high marginal utility). Nowadays, it's hardly worth the 1hr drive (low marginal utility). Dates are the same.. let's make them special, we'll go out when there's a reason.
5) 34-24-32
Or something like that!
For my econ people, I guess what I'm saying that I'm in the inelastic portion of the 'demand for lovin curve' - wherein, I would be better off (utility wise) by reducing my quantity of sex per hour, and increasing my consumption of some other inferior/normal good, i.e. studying, or chocolate.
And then there's the 'paradox of friend.' You look for a girl who has the personality traits of a really good friend, and then they're your friend. I have been dubbed, "Friend God" by a lady friend of mine. Well I plan to circumvent the effects of the friend zone soon enough. But that's a side project. Soon enough you'll all know what I mean.
The core question: Which girl do I even really want to impress? It used to be so easy having yellow fever as a kid. I'd just be like, well there's 300 girls in this school... 2 of them are asian... I'll go for one of them! Then I came to UTSC, and now I can't turn in 2 directions w/o seeing an azn honey! Look at me, i spelled it 'azn!!' So then now I've had to be all specific about what I want in a woman! Do I even want a chinese girl anymore? Can I drink anymore bubble tea? I'm not big on tapioca, but the fruit jelly teas are alright. So I've reopened the boarders, so to speak. I've somewhat overcome the effects of yellow fever. To be fair to myself, I've made a few insulting stipulations for the woman of my dreams, so as to narrow down the search to a select few.
1) No fat chicks.
Yea, I'm no spring-chicken either, but at least I'm workin on that. I don't mind a bit of junk in the trunk, but if there's too much junk you mess up the rear suspension! (I'm rather happy with that pun. hehe, rear suspension!)
2) No 'weight-watchers.'
I can carry the load of my wallet just fine thank you, there's no need for you to lighten the load! And yes, I do carry a lot of change; currency is currency! If you ask me, the difference between the price of a movie at morningside and a movie at STC is disproportionate to the difference in quality. And flowers??? Flowers are nothing more then the sex organs of plants. If you want a sex organ...
3) No phonecalls.
To check to see when my phone is available for conversation, please check www.telusmobility.com. To check to see when I'M available for conversation, please read the following golden rule: "If I saw you in the last 48 hours, you've done nothing important enough to arouse my interest." Get used to the phrase, "I'll see you around at school I guess."
4) High Marginal Utility
The more you do something, the less you want to do it again. When we were kids, we'd kill to go to Canada's wonderland (high marginal utility). Nowadays, it's hardly worth the 1hr drive (low marginal utility). Dates are the same.. let's make them special, we'll go out when there's a reason.
5) 34-24-32
Or something like that!
Monday, January 12, 2004
Well, before I start to study again...
I wonder what I would do if I really did control my own destiny.
There are those who argue you that I do. Fatalism is on a decline. People these days want to believe that causes have effects and so forth. And the idea of an irrantional force or Being that messes around with our lives, if for no other reason then to make life unpredictable, is less attractive nowadays. I often get asked the age-old question, "Do you believe in fate?" Fundamentally i do not. I think all that stuff about pre-determined life lengths and palm readings is a bunch of crap. If my lifeline was shorter then my twin's, wouldn't it be logically impossible for me to kill him? That's my bleak way of illustrating the fundamental flaw of fatalism - it imposes on us impossibilities that really aren't impossible. Maybe i'll redeem myself and say, "Bring me the man with the shortest lifeline so that I may take the next bullet for him!" That sounds a bit more noble.
But all discussions of fate aside, everyone still has to admit one thing: we share this world with a few billion other people, each with his/her own individual motives. So you can't control everything! Everyone's a stakeholder in everyone else's life. Somethings are out of our power, just by the very definition of what a human being is. So then, given that we can't control everything, but we strive in life to control as much as we can (finances, living situations, health, etc), what would I really do if one day I controlled it all? Is there a point to life beyond the process of work that we do within it?
Maybe there is an ultimate meaning to life aside from the process of living, but who really knows what that is? If not, then that leads to a peculiar conclusion: Life would be bad, if there was nothing bad in life. If we had nothing to work for, nothing to work against, then life would be, not just boring, but ultimately bad. This is probably a tired philosophical argument. It has a touch of existentialism in it, and probably a dash of some other topics in it as well.
My question is, why am I specifically working through this process? Ultimately prestige, money, acclaim, children, titles, happy moments, family, all of those things are mere points along the path of my life. They will have their own novelty, and they will all come to pass. But what will I really be able to keep with me and pass on to the generations to come? What do I offer that will carry with it the resounding force to be known as 'Jamil'?
So I think about the power of literature. I remember reading in a book by Paul Davies, a physicist, an argument that illustrated the power of literature. Whereas, all forms of matter and energy are forced to exist within the framework of our 4-dimensional universe, literature allows for information to transcend both time and space. To this day we are influenced by the works of Confucius, Shakespeare, Einstein despite the fact that they are gone. Indeed, through their works, they have achieved immortality. But they all found their niche. They all had a special vision on some aspect of reality, and were able to offer future generations incomparable clarity about the world. What about me? What's special about my vision? Do I have my own vision? Or is my vision simply a summation of the visions I've come to bear witness to and understand? Am I origional? Were they? As a biologcial system that learns entirely from its environment, is there any room for originality? If so, I hope there's room for me!
There are those who argue you that I do. Fatalism is on a decline. People these days want to believe that causes have effects and so forth. And the idea of an irrantional force or Being that messes around with our lives, if for no other reason then to make life unpredictable, is less attractive nowadays. I often get asked the age-old question, "Do you believe in fate?" Fundamentally i do not. I think all that stuff about pre-determined life lengths and palm readings is a bunch of crap. If my lifeline was shorter then my twin's, wouldn't it be logically impossible for me to kill him? That's my bleak way of illustrating the fundamental flaw of fatalism - it imposes on us impossibilities that really aren't impossible. Maybe i'll redeem myself and say, "Bring me the man with the shortest lifeline so that I may take the next bullet for him!" That sounds a bit more noble.
But all discussions of fate aside, everyone still has to admit one thing: we share this world with a few billion other people, each with his/her own individual motives. So you can't control everything! Everyone's a stakeholder in everyone else's life. Somethings are out of our power, just by the very definition of what a human being is. So then, given that we can't control everything, but we strive in life to control as much as we can (finances, living situations, health, etc), what would I really do if one day I controlled it all? Is there a point to life beyond the process of work that we do within it?
Maybe there is an ultimate meaning to life aside from the process of living, but who really knows what that is? If not, then that leads to a peculiar conclusion: Life would be bad, if there was nothing bad in life. If we had nothing to work for, nothing to work against, then life would be, not just boring, but ultimately bad. This is probably a tired philosophical argument. It has a touch of existentialism in it, and probably a dash of some other topics in it as well.
My question is, why am I specifically working through this process? Ultimately prestige, money, acclaim, children, titles, happy moments, family, all of those things are mere points along the path of my life. They will have their own novelty, and they will all come to pass. But what will I really be able to keep with me and pass on to the generations to come? What do I offer that will carry with it the resounding force to be known as 'Jamil'?
So I think about the power of literature. I remember reading in a book by Paul Davies, a physicist, an argument that illustrated the power of literature. Whereas, all forms of matter and energy are forced to exist within the framework of our 4-dimensional universe, literature allows for information to transcend both time and space. To this day we are influenced by the works of Confucius, Shakespeare, Einstein despite the fact that they are gone. Indeed, through their works, they have achieved immortality. But they all found their niche. They all had a special vision on some aspect of reality, and were able to offer future generations incomparable clarity about the world. What about me? What's special about my vision? Do I have my own vision? Or is my vision simply a summation of the visions I've come to bear witness to and understand? Am I origional? Were they? As a biologcial system that learns entirely from its environment, is there any room for originality? If so, I hope there's room for me!
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Me, today.
Well, 2004, what can i say? So far...
A highschool friend of mine has killed herself
I've almost totally liquified my financial accounts
I've got myself into more then one situation that I am going to have to carefully get myself out of (soon!)
I've put on 4 pounds, which leaves me with another 15 pounds that need to be lost
I've been denied the chance to even interview for the position of coaching a soccer team this year.
Last but not least, I've screwed myself academically. And this time, it's not a bunch of false promises. It's not, "I said i was gonna study but i didn't." And there will be no, "Honestly, i messed around last year, I could've done better." If my remaining two marks aren't both 70s, I am officially out of co-op. Damned if I give a rats ass about the friggin program - I've had my doubts since the co-op tutorials last year. The problem is, that I've let myself down! I set a goal, worked towards it, and failed. This is a humbling truth that i cannot shake. I made a vow to myself to get my GPA up. I may indeed get a 2.5. I think I got my 70s. Then again,a lot of things I thought were in the Bank were actually out of my grasp.
I can't help but feel jealous. I watch people study less then me and do better. I watch people study more then me and do better. I study with each respective group of people, and they all do better. The only constant in my life, in the last year in a half, is that everyone is doing better. So jealousy is a feeling I cannot deny anymore.
They say pride is a sin. Well I must be a saint! Pride denotes confidence, and mine is shattered. My outlook on things is bleak. If I didn' t come to love life so much, I'd exchange it for something less discouraging. I'm down. I'm beyond motivational provocation. I sincerely hope that there exists in our universe incalulable, undeterminable forces. Whether it be God, divine will, non-being, perfect randomness, or simply sheer luck, i need something to help me change things around. My spirit is broken and I can't find a crutch. Last semester I tried using my peers, while all the time forgetting that I'm heavier then almost all of them. So here I am, with my spirit dragging behind me on the ground, picking up large quantities of shit with every stride i take. And towards what do I stride? A big pile of shit apparently!
A highschool friend of mine has killed herself
I've almost totally liquified my financial accounts
I've got myself into more then one situation that I am going to have to carefully get myself out of (soon!)
I've put on 4 pounds, which leaves me with another 15 pounds that need to be lost
I've been denied the chance to even interview for the position of coaching a soccer team this year.
Last but not least, I've screwed myself academically. And this time, it's not a bunch of false promises. It's not, "I said i was gonna study but i didn't." And there will be no, "Honestly, i messed around last year, I could've done better." If my remaining two marks aren't both 70s, I am officially out of co-op. Damned if I give a rats ass about the friggin program - I've had my doubts since the co-op tutorials last year. The problem is, that I've let myself down! I set a goal, worked towards it, and failed. This is a humbling truth that i cannot shake. I made a vow to myself to get my GPA up. I may indeed get a 2.5. I think I got my 70s. Then again,a lot of things I thought were in the Bank were actually out of my grasp.
I can't help but feel jealous. I watch people study less then me and do better. I watch people study more then me and do better. I study with each respective group of people, and they all do better. The only constant in my life, in the last year in a half, is that everyone is doing better. So jealousy is a feeling I cannot deny anymore.
They say pride is a sin. Well I must be a saint! Pride denotes confidence, and mine is shattered. My outlook on things is bleak. If I didn' t come to love life so much, I'd exchange it for something less discouraging. I'm down. I'm beyond motivational provocation. I sincerely hope that there exists in our universe incalulable, undeterminable forces. Whether it be God, divine will, non-being, perfect randomness, or simply sheer luck, i need something to help me change things around. My spirit is broken and I can't find a crutch. Last semester I tried using my peers, while all the time forgetting that I'm heavier then almost all of them. So here I am, with my spirit dragging behind me on the ground, picking up large quantities of shit with every stride i take. And towards what do I stride? A big pile of shit apparently!
Friday, January 02, 2004
A thought, or two
I was asked the question about life that I often ask myself. You know the one about there being a point, and why we prolong it? This time i found myself on the other side of the argument - I defended life and what it has to offer. I've never been good at debating, and we hardly came to a resolution. I guess if mankind could ever really answer that question we would've stopped asking it a long time ago. Still, you can't help but think: If there's no definite answer, then what's the point? I mean if you can't think of a purpose towards living, then why live?
Historically we've found reasons to live. Making life easier for generations to come. Advancing the progress of mankind so as to explore new things. Making personal achievements, so as to achieve immortality, and etching yourself into the edifice of time. But those reasons are all coming to pass now. With the massive growth in almost every aspect of human activity, people are starting to change their focus. Nowadays, it's not about, "What's the world gonna be like for my grandchildren?" These days, it's about, "How am I gonna afford my estate and live the life i want to live?" The reasons why this is the case is a topic all by itself.
Recently I've come to think, that maybe it is precisely because there's no answer to the question that we continue to live. Maybe the fact that there is no ONE answer is precisely why life is worth living. Asking the question, "what's there to live for?" is as open a question as asking, "what should I do today?" In both questions, there are things that have to be done (in life, and today), and things that you may want to do (in life, and today). Regardless, the answer to neither question should be "nothing." We often feel we need a day to do 'nothing' after several days of exhaustion. It's a natural feeling. The problem lies when we use the same outlook towards our life at large. After a lifetime of trials and tribulations, we sometimes feel as though the best escape is death, the absolute realm of nothing. It is important to note the biggest difference between the two scenarios. We enjoy a day of nothing for the purpose of resting up for future days of activity, but death is a finality.
Discussing suicide further is not a simple task. I've recently become moved by the question, "Who are you to dictate moral absolutes?" It's such a profound statement. Surprisingly I picked it up off a cartoon. They probably stole it from a philosopher. But it's true. With any subject, who is really to say what's right and what's wrong? Who's really to say where the line is between respectable suicide and selfish suicide, or whether there is a line at all? Really no earthly being has the authority, which is probably why people turn to God. An authority figure is needed for moral absolutes like these. Suicide, capital punishment, war, means vs. end; with topics like these, many people need something to tell them where to stand on issues like these. Only a few of us are skilled enough walk along the fine line an authoritative being or doctrine helping us along the way. And furthermore, some of us only think we possess such skill.
Historically we've found reasons to live. Making life easier for generations to come. Advancing the progress of mankind so as to explore new things. Making personal achievements, so as to achieve immortality, and etching yourself into the edifice of time. But those reasons are all coming to pass now. With the massive growth in almost every aspect of human activity, people are starting to change their focus. Nowadays, it's not about, "What's the world gonna be like for my grandchildren?" These days, it's about, "How am I gonna afford my estate and live the life i want to live?" The reasons why this is the case is a topic all by itself.
Recently I've come to think, that maybe it is precisely because there's no answer to the question that we continue to live. Maybe the fact that there is no ONE answer is precisely why life is worth living. Asking the question, "what's there to live for?" is as open a question as asking, "what should I do today?" In both questions, there are things that have to be done (in life, and today), and things that you may want to do (in life, and today). Regardless, the answer to neither question should be "nothing." We often feel we need a day to do 'nothing' after several days of exhaustion. It's a natural feeling. The problem lies when we use the same outlook towards our life at large. After a lifetime of trials and tribulations, we sometimes feel as though the best escape is death, the absolute realm of nothing. It is important to note the biggest difference between the two scenarios. We enjoy a day of nothing for the purpose of resting up for future days of activity, but death is a finality.
Discussing suicide further is not a simple task. I've recently become moved by the question, "Who are you to dictate moral absolutes?" It's such a profound statement. Surprisingly I picked it up off a cartoon. They probably stole it from a philosopher. But it's true. With any subject, who is really to say what's right and what's wrong? Who's really to say where the line is between respectable suicide and selfish suicide, or whether there is a line at all? Really no earthly being has the authority, which is probably why people turn to God. An authority figure is needed for moral absolutes like these. Suicide, capital punishment, war, means vs. end; with topics like these, many people need something to tell them where to stand on issues like these. Only a few of us are skilled enough walk along the fine line an authoritative being or doctrine helping us along the way. And furthermore, some of us only think we possess such skill.
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