I have from now 'til Wednesday to understand finance. I'm starting now. I'm finished.
"I hope today is the day you find the invisible force that causes all of your problems, so that henceforth you'll stop blaming it for everything that goes wrong."
Reading week has consisted of conversations and eating. The remaining days are to consist of studying and working out. The Yin and the Yang. Is this the Tao?
Still working things out. Not really sure what I'm working on. I find myself noticing signs of depression every now and then. The latest one was withdrawal. Contrary to the philosophy put forth by G.I. Joe, knowing is actually less-then-half the battle. With each symptom I become aware of, I acknowledge it but I don't have the will to combat it.
Each thought, empty as the one that preceded it, represents my lack of concentration and mental fatigue. I fear withdrawing from my own self!
You ever notice that when you're angry or sad, or likewise when you're happy and laughing, it takes a lot of muscle work to make the appropriate gesture? When your face is in a state of relaxation, it hardly looks happy, it yields towards a frown; corners of the lips faced downwards, features slouched like Eeyore from Pooh. Your face defaults to less-then-happy. That's sort of how this posting is. It's not intendedly bitter, it just naturally comes across like that.
The rain hits the cobblestone and the corner shops close their windows. As the rain pours down, a sombre mood passes over the village. Spring is around the corner.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The Misconception
Possibly the greatest of them all is that love is objective. It's actually more of a mistreatment, then a misconception. It's comforting to feel that love is out there. Many of us like to feel that there are certain things we look for in a companion, and if that's offered to us then we'll be happy. But we won't be happy, we'll simply be satisfied. That approach to love is like having steamed fish and whole wheat bread before an evening workout, providing you with essential proteins and omega-3s to maximize the effectiveness of your diet and workout regime, which may indeed yield positive long-term results. Love, on the other hand, is a friggin bite out of a wad of chocolate chip cookie dough. It just feels good inside. Functionally, it makes no sense. It runs contrary to long-term health, but its biproduct (happiness) is essential for good living; the paradox of love. In fact, much like raw cookie-dough, love has been known to be the demise of a few people, but many of us just can't find resist ingesting it, at least once.
Before I go further off on that tangent of an analogy, I'll get get back to the point. I don't think love is out there. It seems almost silly to go out and look for that somebody who has all of those qualities you feel you need in a companion. Why do I say all of this? Let me offer an example, one that is not entirely true, but I embellish to prove a point.
Today I am in love with his lady that works at my bank. She's 11 years older then me, and has a kid half my age. She's gorgeous and would undeniably satisfy all of those desires. Most importantly - or soon you'll see, least importantly - I feel, she's perfect for me because she can give me everything I want. I have this vision of her offering me what no other girl can right now, an uncompromisingly nurturing relationship with a strong emotional connection. Actually, other girls might be able to, but my feelings are such that I think she's the best candidate. Blah blah blah, for those reasons and more she's perfect for me in ways most others will never understand (the timeless love story).
Tomorrow, I will not be in love with her. Not because my love for her is impure, I know that it is. But tomorrow I will not love her, because in actuality I only loved those things which I felt she could offer me - the uncompromisingly nurturing stuff and so forth. Tomorrow I will wake up and naturally I will want something completely different. I will want someone who doesn't have a kid, perhaps, because I will come to fear such responsibility at my age. Tomorrow I will want somebody to study with, and somebody who'll know what I mean when I ramble on about philosophy and econ, and doesn't know the first thing about banking! Tomorrow, I will want the exact opposite of that which she offers me, and so my love for her will pass. The argument here is that I never really loved her. I only loved her offerings, and her willingness to supply them.
This sort of thing happens everyday. Divorces and breakups happen because people "reach a point in their life" where they feel that they need something else. And it's true, they do. And fighting against these feelings is unnatural. Relationships can drag on and on, but regardless the truth is evident, those things which previously defined the love between companions, aren't important any more, and by virtue of that, their love for each other is equally unimportant.
How then can love stand the test of time? Only if love is personal, and undefined in terms of wants and expectations. Upon realising this, I can come to terms with the fact that although my love for the lady at work was pure in an objective and detached way, it wasn't personal, and so it wasn't really pure at all. Love isn't any of those things she can offer me. Love isn't even the way I feel as she embraces me in her arms and tells me how deeply she feels about me.
When the time comes, I will have found her, and all those who know that I know of real love ask me, "Jamil, what is real love?" there will be no answer that will even compare to the answer that I will offer. To each and every one of them, I will simply say, "Love is her."
Before I go further off on that tangent of an analogy, I'll get get back to the point. I don't think love is out there. It seems almost silly to go out and look for that somebody who has all of those qualities you feel you need in a companion. Why do I say all of this? Let me offer an example, one that is not entirely true, but I embellish to prove a point.
Today I am in love with his lady that works at my bank. She's 11 years older then me, and has a kid half my age. She's gorgeous and would undeniably satisfy all of those desires. Most importantly - or soon you'll see, least importantly - I feel, she's perfect for me because she can give me everything I want. I have this vision of her offering me what no other girl can right now, an uncompromisingly nurturing relationship with a strong emotional connection. Actually, other girls might be able to, but my feelings are such that I think she's the best candidate. Blah blah blah, for those reasons and more she's perfect for me in ways most others will never understand (the timeless love story).
Tomorrow, I will not be in love with her. Not because my love for her is impure, I know that it is. But tomorrow I will not love her, because in actuality I only loved those things which I felt she could offer me - the uncompromisingly nurturing stuff and so forth. Tomorrow I will wake up and naturally I will want something completely different. I will want someone who doesn't have a kid, perhaps, because I will come to fear such responsibility at my age. Tomorrow I will want somebody to study with, and somebody who'll know what I mean when I ramble on about philosophy and econ, and doesn't know the first thing about banking! Tomorrow, I will want the exact opposite of that which she offers me, and so my love for her will pass. The argument here is that I never really loved her. I only loved her offerings, and her willingness to supply them.
This sort of thing happens everyday. Divorces and breakups happen because people "reach a point in their life" where they feel that they need something else. And it's true, they do. And fighting against these feelings is unnatural. Relationships can drag on and on, but regardless the truth is evident, those things which previously defined the love between companions, aren't important any more, and by virtue of that, their love for each other is equally unimportant.
How then can love stand the test of time? Only if love is personal, and undefined in terms of wants and expectations. Upon realising this, I can come to terms with the fact that although my love for the lady at work was pure in an objective and detached way, it wasn't personal, and so it wasn't really pure at all. Love isn't any of those things she can offer me. Love isn't even the way I feel as she embraces me in her arms and tells me how deeply she feels about me.
When the time comes, I will have found her, and all those who know that I know of real love ask me, "Jamil, what is real love?" there will be no answer that will even compare to the answer that I will offer. To each and every one of them, I will simply say, "Love is her."
Sunday, February 06, 2005
I'll be the first...
... to give kudos to Vince Carter. Toronto can suck his left nut as it seems. Every Raptor fan has mad hatred for him, and to them I say, BUN all of you! He did the right thing.
His faults: Man that guy started taking low percentage shots, getting injured all the time, and tying to be a one man show.
So yea, all of that stems from him being arrogant. But wouldn't you be arrogant if you single-handedly brought back the dunk competition? And if you wrecked the competition in front of the world, introduced nike's new shoe, and jumped over a guy who's 7 feet tall, you'd probably throw up some off balance shots against the Wizards as well.
Everyone on the Raptors gets injured. Our freaking court is on top of a solid rock ice rink! (When there's hockey at least!) Fact of the matter is, Kobe was just as big a hog, just as arrogant, and yet he has like 3-4 rings and less injuries to his name... why? Phil Jackson!! Best coach we ever brought in was like.... Lenny Wilkins? The most winningest (and losingest) coach of NBA history? That's the problem with over-adherence to statistics... Raptors management should invest in a coach who... hmm.. maybe wins championships!! Get a friggin NCAA coach! Not tired assitant coaches from other mid-table teams! Bun Raptors Mgmt
Bun Raptors Fans... when Vince was up, Toronto was in a state of Vin-sanity, as they called it. Then he's down and everyone jabs at him. How many times you think you can kick a man while he's down, before he simply stays down until he can afford to leave? Watch out Chris Bosh, your the next commodity whose raw talent will be exploited!
If I start talking about my own frustrations right now I won't stop and I got an exam monday. Peace out!
His faults: Man that guy started taking low percentage shots, getting injured all the time, and tying to be a one man show.
So yea, all of that stems from him being arrogant. But wouldn't you be arrogant if you single-handedly brought back the dunk competition? And if you wrecked the competition in front of the world, introduced nike's new shoe, and jumped over a guy who's 7 feet tall, you'd probably throw up some off balance shots against the Wizards as well.
Everyone on the Raptors gets injured. Our freaking court is on top of a solid rock ice rink! (When there's hockey at least!) Fact of the matter is, Kobe was just as big a hog, just as arrogant, and yet he has like 3-4 rings and less injuries to his name... why? Phil Jackson!! Best coach we ever brought in was like.... Lenny Wilkins? The most winningest (and losingest) coach of NBA history? That's the problem with over-adherence to statistics... Raptors management should invest in a coach who... hmm.. maybe wins championships!! Get a friggin NCAA coach! Not tired assitant coaches from other mid-table teams! Bun Raptors Mgmt
Bun Raptors Fans... when Vince was up, Toronto was in a state of Vin-sanity, as they called it. Then he's down and everyone jabs at him. How many times you think you can kick a man while he's down, before he simply stays down until he can afford to leave? Watch out Chris Bosh, your the next commodity whose raw talent will be exploited!
If I start talking about my own frustrations right now I won't stop and I got an exam monday. Peace out!
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