I should

There should be many other things on my mind. I should be attending to the many other things on my mind. Other things should make me happy. Who decides on all these shoulds anyhow? I'm done dealing in shoulds. Nobody every designs their own shoulds.

Right now. I'm doing what I want.

First Day

I used to be fearful of first days. On my first day, everyone would see that despite the fact that I interviewed well, there's a whole lot I don't know. Even some of the stuff I claimed to know, I'm clueless about. Some of it I'm not clueless about, but I sure will have to get better at it. Some of it I thought I was really good at, and I know I'm about to find out how wrong I was. I really hope they don't reconsider choosing me, I hope they don't think I was lying this whole time.

Now, I meet first days with a smile. It's a defense mechanism. The truth is, everyday is a first day. Everyday can be the day you realise you had the wrong approach. Or you realise that the approach you took could have been better delivered. Everyday there is an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself; it's up to you to take that suggestion openly or to bundle it with what you already think you know. The best part about first days is, if you treat them with enough respect and capitalize on those moments where someone who cares about you is actually willing to show you a gap between what you're trying to do and what you've done, the next day doesn't feel like a first day all, it feels like a second day. It feels like the day after you learned a lesson. It feels like growth, and there is no growth without change, so it feels like change.

I'll admit, sometimes when you've been so wrapped up in changing you forget that everyday is a first day. I've been pulled in 5 different directions this last year, and facing the crisis of change every morning and every night. In the winter, I was trying to get my foothold back on reality, remember who I am and what I want. But very recently I've become open again to the idea of change. In the face of utter uncertainty, my entire future is in my reach but out of my hands. I suppose it's a good thing I play so much soccer. I feel like for the last 6 months or maybe a year or maybe longer I've just been monitored; bouncing back and forth between being overlooked and over-scrutinized. I really do hope that as things progress I'll have a chance to interview.

Today was a first day for me, or rather tonight. Despite the pressure, I enjoyed the opportunity to see myself. I hope you enjoy yours in the same light.

Haiku

Alone here
You have company I think
Alone there

There I was
Daring to show you the present
In what had past

Past is back
This time colliding
With the truth

Truth in words
Words more quiet than touch
Is truth volume?

Volume up
Only to deafen me
From dying

Dying
Bringing eternity
And life too

Too many
Moments that say yes
To say no

No reason
For things to change
Or stay the same

Same mind
I believe you everyday
By my word

Word is bond
Word limits emotion
Makes room for love

Love is bond
Love limits emotion
Makes room for you

You are bound
You limit emotion
Make room for future

Future is endless
Limitless emotions
In my eyes

Classical Genius

"The genius can't help but be original. Therefore, the genius need only attempt to immitate to become original."

I went to the most marvellous symphony on saturday where this idea was shared. It was a two-part presentation where the first half of the show was dedicated towards an explanation of what makes Beethovan's music so great, and the second half was dedicated towards presenting its majesty; or at least the first 3 movements.

I realised on Saturday night I am a genius. This is how I approach life and my sacred acts. I attempt at his humour and her prose and his delivery and her receipt, but in the end, I can't help but shine my own light on everything I touch. My own unique perspective permeates the status quo, even as I exist among it. I never really enjoyed Beethovan before, and to be honest I understand now what it means to ask whether someone appreciates classical music. It's one thing to like it, I always have, but I think last night was the first time since I first picked up a clarinet and put my tongue against that fresh reed that I found a new way to truly appreciate classical music. It's between Emily, my lovely date, and I to share this newfound appreciation for now, but I can say that there is Beethovan that lives in my writing, and my ideas. And the systematic approach he used to deliver his brilliance is the final step in how I will deliver mine. To cause surprise, you must first develop an expectation. This will permeate my published approach. And to be honest, I think I spent a good part of the last 27 years developing a certain expectation. Surprise, naysayers.

Jiddu Krishnamurti On Thought

"Can thought bring about a vital change? Up to now we have relied on thought, have we not? ... And can thought fundamentally change man, change you and me? If you say it can, then you must see all of its implications - that man is a product of time, that there is nothing beyond time, and so on. So, if I am to create fundamental change in myself, can I rely on thought as an instrument to bring about that transformation? Or, can there be a fundamental change only when there is the ending of thought? My problem, then, is to experiment, to find out, and I can find out only through self-knowledge, through knowing myself, watching, being aware in the moments when I'm off guard. It is only when I begin to understand the process of my own thinking that I can find out whether or not there is the possibility of a fundamental change; until then, mere assertion that I can or cannot change is of little significance. Though we see the importance of radical change in the world and in ourselves, there is very little chance of such a change as long as we do not understand the thinker and his thought."


I came to understand this twice tonight. I listen even when I pretend not to.