First Day

I used to be fearful of first days. On my first day, everyone would see that despite the fact that I interviewed well, there's a whole lot I don't know. Even some of the stuff I claimed to know, I'm clueless about. Some of it I'm not clueless about, but I sure will have to get better at it. Some of it I thought I was really good at, and I know I'm about to find out how wrong I was. I really hope they don't reconsider choosing me, I hope they don't think I was lying this whole time.

Now, I meet first days with a smile. It's a defense mechanism. The truth is, everyday is a first day. Everyday can be the day you realise you had the wrong approach. Or you realise that the approach you took could have been better delivered. Everyday there is an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself; it's up to you to take that suggestion openly or to bundle it with what you already think you know. The best part about first days is, if you treat them with enough respect and capitalize on those moments where someone who cares about you is actually willing to show you a gap between what you're trying to do and what you've done, the next day doesn't feel like a first day all, it feels like a second day. It feels like the day after you learned a lesson. It feels like growth, and there is no growth without change, so it feels like change.

I'll admit, sometimes when you've been so wrapped up in changing you forget that everyday is a first day. I've been pulled in 5 different directions this last year, and facing the crisis of change every morning and every night. In the winter, I was trying to get my foothold back on reality, remember who I am and what I want. But very recently I've become open again to the idea of change. In the face of utter uncertainty, my entire future is in my reach but out of my hands. I suppose it's a good thing I play so much soccer. I feel like for the last 6 months or maybe a year or maybe longer I've just been monitored; bouncing back and forth between being overlooked and over-scrutinized. I really do hope that as things progress I'll have a chance to interview.

Today was a first day for me, or rather tonight. Despite the pressure, I enjoyed the opportunity to see myself. I hope you enjoy yours in the same light.