I'm a sucker. I have an exam on saturday. I've been trying all day to bring myself to get down to some studying. It hasn't happened. I had this plan of holding off on thinking about life and all of that until after my exam. It was a logical choice. It would seem that the human spirit does transcend the realm of logic.
So, there was this girl I was crazy about last year. Cute little thing. Short, sweet, pretty face, and a cute little chinese accent. The other day I was studying at school and saw her with her boyfriend. I had always visualized him as being some sort of rich stud. Maybe he's rich, but he's no stud. This at first bothered me to no end. "Oh C'mon!!" i said to myself. If i'm going to get passed over by the pretty girls, at least let them pass me over for a dude with a 6-pack and features that seem to be carved out of stone. I thought maybe I was blinded by rage when I first saw him. So I sent out a female scout to verify that he was not very attractive. Sufficed to say, this situation inspired a few moments of self-reflection.
I've rationalized that a black guy trying to get with an asian girl is comparably hard to a black guy trying to get a discount at Pacific Mall. It can be done, and it has been done (even once by me) but it's not an easy task. (Aside: I mean to say I once got with an asian girl; I am yet to get a discount at pacific mall!) The novelty of having a jamaican love machine like myself is well and good, but no financially dependent chinese girl wants to be publicly disowned by their parents. (Aside again: Actually, I did once get a few bucks off some video games at pacific, but that was more of a frequent-customer thing).
So I figured, my choice was clear. Either I find a really young, short-sighted asian girl with enough contempt for her parents to risk being disowned, or I find an older, lonely asian lady who could care less about parental disownership. Let's ignore for now that my choice was a false dichotomy; the goal was to find an asian girl. My dentist's assitant is kind of hot, and I think she was coming on to me about a year ago when I still had braces, but I hear she has a kid. So to that I quote Disco Stu in saying, "Back away, another day!" Young girls piss me off, period. I could never date the young and naive type. So it seemed as though I was screwed, and destined to live the celibate life. I considered joining the church, but the bible is such a big read and I've already got enough to read at school. Dazed and confused from my situation, I had a moment of clarity, and finally asked myself what I should've been asking myself all along: "Who do I really want to be with?" My reply, "Nobody."
Things aren't as bleek as I would have them seem tho. From that moment, I've come to realise that my attraction for many girls are a lot more ingenuine then I would've thought before. I accept this comforting fact with open arms. The next best thing to knowledge is clarity of mind. With a clear mind I have started to grow genuine feelings for someone. Yes indeed, today's forcast calls for seasons of love! And now I think I'm actually man enough to let myself fall in love with her. March is around the corner, and where I come from, this time of year tends to call for rainfall more then it calls for seasons of flourishing. Sloppy metaphors aside, it does seem as though I have quite the battle ahead of me - I await the challenge. Persistence is key for this sort of thing, and I'm always good to go again!
Friday, February 27, 2004
Sunday, February 22, 2004
The end, the beginning
Reading week is over. I'm so tired. I've hardly slept. Arguably this has been the most eventful break of my life. Between attending tax seminars on minimal sleep, hitting the clubs, hitting the sauce, nursing drunken friends, aiding the romantically challenged, and eating like only North Americans cans, I gotta say I'm at least happy with the way the week went. No time for complaining about school or my romantic situation. Gotta Study!
Friday, February 13, 2004
You know, it's weird
Valentine's is rolling around. And I'm kinda happy. I like not having a girlfriend, cuz I've got no cash. I think mastercard is going to have someone come to my house and break my thumbs in about a month. They'll probably charge his services to my account too.
Normally when this time of year rolled around, I'd go from happy to sad to happy again. I'd have to stand all of the couples strutting their stuff, arrogantly asking me what my plans were for valentine's day. I used to love hearing that. "I figure I'll wake up, go to school, then during lunchtime I'll find a girlfriend, and fall in love, then invest my remaining lunch money in some stocks, make a few thousand bucks then sell the stocks before closing, then use the money I made to take my newfound girlfriend for a night of opera in Sydney cuz it's just that easy!" is what I'd sarcastically say in my head. That normally would translate to, "I dunno, what're you doin?" After 2 or 3 similar siutations, I'd be feelin bitter and alone, but then I'd feel good again as I'd walk through the halls listening to girls bitching about how valentine's day is shit, and they wouldn't even care about it if they had a man. "Yea right" i'd chuckle to myself, and that would always put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
This year's different, I just feel bad. But not cuz I'm not with anyone. It's cuz there's nobody I want to be with. There's 1 or 2 girls I'ld like to be with, but nobody that I just have to be with. It kinda sucks. I feel like i've lost my drive (not my sex drive, I'm always lookin for somewhere to park my car for the night) but my day-to-day drive. Thinking about hot girls used to be a refreshing break from studying. Now I think about, school and soccer and my life and crap. It feels weird having legitimate concerns. What ever happened to those days when I'd genuinely care about stupid questions like, "Why don't I have a girlfriend?" and "Do people see me the way I see myself?" Now, I just don't care. Which is kind of a good thing, it's almost like a weight has been taken off of my shoulders. But, it's weird, because after being single for so long, I'm like a trained weightlifter (if u're still following the metaphor). So what does someone do when they're indifferent about love? What do people do without any struggles in life? See, there I go asking stupid questions again.
Anyway, love shmove. What has REALLY been weird in my life is the following point. School, is a lot of fun! I actually enjoy our discussions in philosophy a lot this term. Last semester, the discussions were a snooze but the book was interesting, but this semester I'm getting the best of both worlds. In economics we're studying Nash equilibrium. I find it so amazing to be sitting in a lecture while my professor is telling us, "This is what that movie A Beautiful Mind was all about, after this semester, you will really understand what his theories were about." Finance is a bitch. But I love that about it. It's going to be quite the learning experience. No more watered down, "we'll worry about that next year" crap. Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty. Astronomy is kinda boring, and so is data analysis. But if I play my cards right, they'll boost the GPA up. Then there's soccer. Our indoor team is sick. We're getting better every game. I'm getting used to the pitch downtown. I'm back in defense. It feels good, it's been awhile since I've played it, and I still get to attack every now and then. So all and all, the people are good, the classes are good, it's all good. But that's my outlook now, before reading week. Please don't call me a hypocrite when you read my blog after the finance exam!
Normally when this time of year rolled around, I'd go from happy to sad to happy again. I'd have to stand all of the couples strutting their stuff, arrogantly asking me what my plans were for valentine's day. I used to love hearing that. "I figure I'll wake up, go to school, then during lunchtime I'll find a girlfriend, and fall in love, then invest my remaining lunch money in some stocks, make a few thousand bucks then sell the stocks before closing, then use the money I made to take my newfound girlfriend for a night of opera in Sydney cuz it's just that easy!" is what I'd sarcastically say in my head. That normally would translate to, "I dunno, what're you doin?" After 2 or 3 similar siutations, I'd be feelin bitter and alone, but then I'd feel good again as I'd walk through the halls listening to girls bitching about how valentine's day is shit, and they wouldn't even care about it if they had a man. "Yea right" i'd chuckle to myself, and that would always put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
This year's different, I just feel bad. But not cuz I'm not with anyone. It's cuz there's nobody I want to be with. There's 1 or 2 girls I'ld like to be with, but nobody that I just have to be with. It kinda sucks. I feel like i've lost my drive (not my sex drive, I'm always lookin for somewhere to park my car for the night) but my day-to-day drive. Thinking about hot girls used to be a refreshing break from studying. Now I think about, school and soccer and my life and crap. It feels weird having legitimate concerns. What ever happened to those days when I'd genuinely care about stupid questions like, "Why don't I have a girlfriend?" and "Do people see me the way I see myself?" Now, I just don't care. Which is kind of a good thing, it's almost like a weight has been taken off of my shoulders. But, it's weird, because after being single for so long, I'm like a trained weightlifter (if u're still following the metaphor). So what does someone do when they're indifferent about love? What do people do without any struggles in life? See, there I go asking stupid questions again.
Anyway, love shmove. What has REALLY been weird in my life is the following point. School, is a lot of fun! I actually enjoy our discussions in philosophy a lot this term. Last semester, the discussions were a snooze but the book was interesting, but this semester I'm getting the best of both worlds. In economics we're studying Nash equilibrium. I find it so amazing to be sitting in a lecture while my professor is telling us, "This is what that movie A Beautiful Mind was all about, after this semester, you will really understand what his theories were about." Finance is a bitch. But I love that about it. It's going to be quite the learning experience. No more watered down, "we'll worry about that next year" crap. Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty. Astronomy is kinda boring, and so is data analysis. But if I play my cards right, they'll boost the GPA up. Then there's soccer. Our indoor team is sick. We're getting better every game. I'm getting used to the pitch downtown. I'm back in defense. It feels good, it's been awhile since I've played it, and I still get to attack every now and then. So all and all, the people are good, the classes are good, it's all good. But that's my outlook now, before reading week. Please don't call me a hypocrite when you read my blog after the finance exam!
Saturday, February 07, 2004
That's when You know...
When plans change and you're not going to see her anymore
and nothing else you could possibly plan seems nearly as fun
When you're singing to all your favourite love songs out loud
but it seems like you're saying the words to her, and her alone
When it doesn't seem like your day has started yet
and it doesn't seem like you've done anything, until you've seen her
When everything else just seems less entertaining,
but the intrigue of talking to her grows with every passing conversation
That's when you know...
So the other day I was sitting in front of a computer screen, putting the finishing touches on a philosophy paper (due 15 minutes later). While checking for coherency, I unfocused my eyes and came upon seeing a smudge on the monitor screen which looked like a soft white cloud against the reflection of the blue sky behind me that I now noticed on the screen. I was suddenly hit with a feeling of nostalgia, thinking back to when I was smaller. I remembered how at this time of day I would be looking outside the window of my classroom, thinking about the simple things: What is mom gonna cook for lunchtime today? When I come back to school, am I gonna play soccer or Red Ass? I suddenly remembered recess time. I would lay down in the grass, look up at the sky, and as the clouds passed by, I would think, and it felt good to think. I felt safe in my thoughts. More times it would feel like there was nothing between me and the sky. Then the recess bell would ring and I'd go back to class.
The bell rang in my head and I finished the paper and went to the lecture. I looked over a finance assignment, and then went to the finance lecture. After that, it was all Price Thoery. I studied for hours upon hours with my economics buddies. Played in a soccer tournament. Lost horribly but hardly cared. Then it was more studying. Finally the exam came, by the end of it my brain hurt, but I emerged victorious (hopefully). Such was my week.
I've got one exam left, and an assignment, and then I can breathe again. I'm supposed to go out with Joanna that weekend for Valentine's day. Should be an arite time. Maybe the year of the monkey won't be so bad after all, I've actually got plans for V-day. Sure she's just a friend, but they're plans nonetheless. Anyway, I've really got nothing of value to say. Today has flown by and I haven't even started to study yet. Better get to it!
and nothing else you could possibly plan seems nearly as fun
When you're singing to all your favourite love songs out loud
but it seems like you're saying the words to her, and her alone
When it doesn't seem like your day has started yet
and it doesn't seem like you've done anything, until you've seen her
When everything else just seems less entertaining,
but the intrigue of talking to her grows with every passing conversation
That's when you know...
So the other day I was sitting in front of a computer screen, putting the finishing touches on a philosophy paper (due 15 minutes later). While checking for coherency, I unfocused my eyes and came upon seeing a smudge on the monitor screen which looked like a soft white cloud against the reflection of the blue sky behind me that I now noticed on the screen. I was suddenly hit with a feeling of nostalgia, thinking back to when I was smaller. I remembered how at this time of day I would be looking outside the window of my classroom, thinking about the simple things: What is mom gonna cook for lunchtime today? When I come back to school, am I gonna play soccer or Red Ass? I suddenly remembered recess time. I would lay down in the grass, look up at the sky, and as the clouds passed by, I would think, and it felt good to think. I felt safe in my thoughts. More times it would feel like there was nothing between me and the sky. Then the recess bell would ring and I'd go back to class.
The bell rang in my head and I finished the paper and went to the lecture. I looked over a finance assignment, and then went to the finance lecture. After that, it was all Price Thoery. I studied for hours upon hours with my economics buddies. Played in a soccer tournament. Lost horribly but hardly cared. Then it was more studying. Finally the exam came, by the end of it my brain hurt, but I emerged victorious (hopefully). Such was my week.
I've got one exam left, and an assignment, and then I can breathe again. I'm supposed to go out with Joanna that weekend for Valentine's day. Should be an arite time. Maybe the year of the monkey won't be so bad after all, I've actually got plans for V-day. Sure she's just a friend, but they're plans nonetheless. Anyway, I've really got nothing of value to say. Today has flown by and I haven't even started to study yet. Better get to it!
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