I must confess

I'm a sucker. I have an exam on saturday. I've been trying all day to bring myself to get down to some studying. It hasn't happened. I had this plan of holding off on thinking about life and all of that until after my exam. It was a logical choice. It would seem that the human spirit does transcend the realm of logic.

So, there was this girl I was crazy about last year. Cute little thing. Short, sweet, pretty face, and a cute little chinese accent. The other day I was studying at school and saw her with her boyfriend. I had always visualized him as being some sort of rich stud. Maybe he's rich, but he's no stud. This at first bothered me to no end. "Oh C'mon!!" i said to myself. If i'm going to get passed over by the pretty girls, at least let them pass me over for a dude with a 6-pack and features that seem to be carved out of stone. I thought maybe I was blinded by rage when I first saw him. So I sent out a female scout to verify that he was not very attractive. Sufficed to say, this situation inspired a few moments of self-reflection.

I've rationalized that a black guy trying to get with an asian girl is comparably hard to a black guy trying to get a discount at Pacific Mall. It can be done, and it has been done (even once by me) but it's not an easy task. (Aside: I mean to say I once got with an asian girl; I am yet to get a discount at pacific mall!) The novelty of having a jamaican love machine like myself is well and good, but no financially dependent chinese girl wants to be publicly disowned by their parents. (Aside again: Actually, I did once get a few bucks off some video games at pacific, but that was more of a frequent-customer thing).

So I figured, my choice was clear. Either I find a really young, short-sighted asian girl with enough contempt for her parents to risk being disowned, or I find an older, lonely asian lady who could care less about parental disownership. Let's ignore for now that my choice was a false dichotomy; the goal was to find an asian girl. My dentist's assitant is kind of hot, and I think she was coming on to me about a year ago when I still had braces, but I hear she has a kid. So to that I quote Disco Stu in saying, "Back away, another day!" Young girls piss me off, period. I could never date the young and naive type. So it seemed as though I was screwed, and destined to live the celibate life. I considered joining the church, but the bible is such a big read and I've already got enough to read at school. Dazed and confused from my situation, I had a moment of clarity, and finally asked myself what I should've been asking myself all along: "Who do I really want to be with?" My reply, "Nobody."

Things aren't as bleek as I would have them seem tho. From that moment, I've come to realise that my attraction for many girls are a lot more ingenuine then I would've thought before. I accept this comforting fact with open arms. The next best thing to knowledge is clarity of mind. With a clear mind I have started to grow genuine feelings for someone. Yes indeed, today's forcast calls for seasons of love! And now I think I'm actually man enough to let myself fall in love with her. March is around the corner, and where I come from, this time of year tends to call for rainfall more then it calls for seasons of flourishing. Sloppy metaphors aside, it does seem as though I have quite the battle ahead of me - I await the challenge. Persistence is key for this sort of thing, and I'm always good to go again!