State of Affairs

I must warn you, this is one long and boring blog. But if u're reading this, you've probably come to epect that from me. :-)

Recently I've come to realise that the people who know me best have this misconception that I don't believe in God. I don't blame them. I hardly ever say that God is the answer to a question, or God is the cause of an event, because of all the social baggage that comes with saying that. We live in an age of cynical critics of religion, and for people my age and younger, subscribing to religion is equated with either ignorance or desperation. And it's not even as tho I'm just scared to admit to my belief in God. To the contrary, the way I've always seen it is that if I were to replace my philosophical or scientific explanations for phenomena with the word God, I would still be right, but people would just assume I don't know the answer. Like for instance:

Something that I've recently become fascinated by is the topic of global warming. I can't believe my eyes when I wake up on a moderately cool December morning, look outside and see the grass, streets, sidewalks, rooftops and the rest of the landscape NOT covered with snow! How incredible it is that in the short span of my life to date, southern Canada has undergone a not-so-sudden change in climate. Our 4 distinct climates is reducing to 3 gradual changes in temperature, and all of this has been happening over the last 5 years or so. And this isn't even a fluke like that time Florida got like 20 inches of snow. Last year we had that one dumping in January, and a bit of snow to make it a partially white Christmas, the year before there was a bit more snow then that, and so on... Why did I tie global warming into all this talk about God? To illustrate a point.

If someone were to ask me how I think global warming will come to pass, if i were so inclined, i would simply say, "God will find a way," and leave it at that. And this answer would be right, more right then my friends might realise, because the statement is open to interpretation.

If i were 'speaking Christian' then my statement would mean, "God, who speaks to all of our hearts would alert us of this epidemic and spread the word to all his children so that we could bond together to countervail the effects of global warming." If i were 'speaking daoist' my statement would mean, "Heaven and earth support each other through man, and as such the effect that global warming will have on the earth will depend on how greatly man yields towards the principle of heaven and brings the two into balance. Or something like that. And I could probably offer a similar explanation in other major religions or belief systems, but really, who the hell would understand or care about my explanation if I put on my religious cap, recited quotations from some ancient doctrines, and offered an ambiguous explanation of a current problem?

My answer to the question is precisely the same, just in different words. Rather then using the christian "good or evil" the daoist "yin and yang" the buddhist idea of manifestation (from 1 thing to another), i would say global warming will come to pass in man's ability to conquer or be conquered - a stronger, hipper way of saying the same thing. Hopefully, more people will have a problem with global warming before it goes into full effect, and so society will come to value preservation of the environment for generations to come over such modern day values as barbecues, central air conditioning and driving SUVs with 24" rims and an engine that could power a small tank. On the other hand, when the heat is too much for us to bear, we'll probably just get out of the kitchen. Our social and economic climate will probably cause us to migrate to parts of the world that were formally too cold to live in, but due to global warming have come to be quite haitable. In other words, we'll all move further and further from the equators towards the polar ice caps. Our economy will thrive on the new types of crops and agricultural products that will start to grow. Ironically, the polar caps will be melting and will eventually drown us all in a sea of resentment. Those of us that are still alive that is. As our population grows by the billions, our habitable landscape will be shrinking by the millions (of square feet) and the effects of overpopulation and natural selection will bring forth a drastic case of 'survival of the fittest.' But maybe that's getting to be too apocolyptic. In any case, will man conquer or be conquered? Well, it took 1.5 days without electricity for Southern Ontario and the eastern seaboard to realise that we have a problem with over-consumption. And even today, a luminescent glow hangs over the Scarborough Town Centre and every other major mall or shopping district on the continent, all night, so that a few teenage couples can see each other while they make out in their cars, and to protect the Gap from getting robbed at night. Why would global warming be any different?

Let it snow, let it snow let it snow

Four of my five exams are done. 2 were good, 2 were bad.

Chinese: If my final mark in this class isn't an A, then an injustice has been made
Micro: Score! That exam did much to raise my level of confidence
Accounting: Confidence is fleeting. Accounting reminded me of that point. In an ideal scenario, my mark will only drop from an 83 to a 73. Let's hope Stawinoga is an idealist as well.
Macro: Kinda makes you think twice about specializing in economics. I've never gone into an exam knowing so much, and come out of it feeling like I knew so little.

Here I stand, the day before International Business, the final exam of the semester. I need an A on this exam. I'm gonna make sure I get one.

--

It's snowing outside, and this time it's actually here to stay. I hope it doesn't all turn to slush before tuesday. I should call some boys out for snow soccer or football after exams. This break is probably going to be my most active and involved break to date. I've got a lot of maintenance to do, a lot of reading, and a couple places to go and people to see. Plus, Prince of Persia is going to take up hours of my time, as well as my brother's. He's moving out in January. At least for the weekdays. So it's going to be just me and the folks. I ask for forgiveness in advance, for I don't know what I may have to do in the subsequent months at home alone with them. If he wasn't moving in with someone, downtown no less, I'ld get a part-time job and move out with him. Whatever, 2.5 more years of riding my bike and going to school, then I can worry about the living situation. Until then, I'll just ride the wave pf complete and utter financial dependence. Co-op better be paying well!

Week 12

I'm now more confused about everything then ever before. Sometimes, at the end of the day it feels hard to trust anything outside of yourself. I wonder about the nature of my usefulness to other people. I wonder, who am I? Aside from being "di gyal dem sugah," perhaps it is the case that I am simply a commodity to be used for entertainment, compassion, educational purposes. The sad thing is, you never really know the answer for sure. One day you feel like you've established yourself as a significant part in everyone else's reality; other days, you get up in the morning and wonder whether you're doing it for yourself or for others. In either case, you know people will be happy to see you when they see you, and yet, you don't know if people will actually be upset if they don't.

It's finally that time of year. The cold, the snow, the influenza, the extra pounds of fat, the rush to find clothing on sale... good old Christmas. Remember the days when this time of year was symbolized by feelings of faith and adhering to religion? (Neither do I!) I think it would be nice this year to spend the Christmas season with someone special. I think that every year, but this year feels different. Normally this is the time of year where I begin to misinterpret the longest standing friendship I have with a girl, and I start to feel her out to see if maybe I've got a chance for something more. I'm invariably let down. Nonetheless, this year I feel no desire to do as much, but I do think there's something on the horizon. Nothing happens with wishful thinking, so I guess if I really want to, I'm gonna have to act. Wish me luck!

Weeks 10 and 11

The upswing has come, the upswing has come.

I'm going into my accounting final with an A... I guarantee i'm gonna kill my Chinese paper, so i'm gonna go into that class with an 80. I think I did well on the Int. Biz. course, with any luck i'll have a high 70 by the end of that course. The econ's are both in the 60's right now. I've made a vow to both myself and to others to rectify that! It's kind of weird. I'm a black guy, planning on specializing in economics, with a strong hatred for accounting, and yet still my marks are completely representative of the opposite. Regardless, the plan for this fall: 3.3 average, everything over 3.0!

Thoughts on life
I'm in business. Finals are coming up. Ask me during the break!


Wouldn't you have expected more from me after 2 weeks of silence? So would I. Ho hum.

Week 9

First off, in answer to Yvonne's November 6 blog (http://virtualgyrl.blogspot.com) my answer is as follows:

Let a represent the 1st 3 digits of ur phone number, and let B rep. the last 4.
Let your phone number = 10,000a + b
(b/c u need four spaces after a to put put in the four digits for b)

According to the steps of this game...
Phone number = 8 steps of game... or
10,000a + b = [[(80a + 1) x 250) +2b] - 250] / 2
20,000a + 2b = (20,000a + 250) + 2b - 250
20,000a + 2b = 20,000a + 2b

Since this identity is always true, it follows that ALL 7-digit phone numbers should be realised by playing this game. How about that for math!

My Analysis of The Matrix
So i saw the finale of the Matrix this weekend, and was rather disappointed. The second matrix brought up a thought-provoking proposition that has been discussed by many philosophers. The main question involves whether we live in a universe that is completely pre-determined and consequently meaningless, or whether there is some point to human existence. On the one hand, the architect, the french guy, and Mr. Smith all believe that this universe is the world of causality, and that everything has an end and a beginning and that everything is solvable according to some pre-determined method of arithmetic or logic. On the other hand, Neo, Morpheus, the Oracle, and all the good guys defend the existence of humans in the war against the machines.

On the one hand, the ending to the final movie in the Matrix movie was really appropriate. Aside from the clichés, the horribly overcooked death scene for Trinity and a few other scenes where there was clearly some writer's block, i did like a few things about the movie. While most humans were fighting the endless war against the machines in which they were logically determined to lose, Neo (who transcends the likes of us mere humans) looked the god of the machine world dead in the face and made a deal with him. For Neo, is not at war against the machines, he is @ war with the philosophy of the machines - that is, that everything has a cause and effect. So his main target was Mr. Smith, the always agonizing reminder that all things are inevitable. The whole idea is supposed to be that what separates humans from computers and the universe of causality is that humans have the ability to make choices, choices which are not due to any pre-determined causes. This is why the Oracle always empowers Neo, not by telling him what to do, but by giving him information and allowing him to make an authentic choice. This is also why Neo eventually defeated Mr. Smith (and ended the war) simply by making the authentic choice to let Mr. Smith assimilate him. Ironically, Mr. Smith got lost in the purpose of defeating Neo, not realising that logically, the combined power of the Machine God (that created Mr. Smith) and Neo, is easily larger then that of Mr. Smith, even after assimilating the Oracle. So yea, in a way, everything was wrapped up in a neat little package. And I guess, since the writer's of this movie are humans, they can't really go far beyond saying that Choice is what makes humans better then machines, but all the same, I would've liked it if they could probe this philosophical argument a little bit further. Then again, people complained that the 2nd one was too difficult to understand, so whatever.

What bothered me about the movie is that while it had about 15-20 minutes of worthwhile story, it had anohter hour and a half of pointless fight scenes and shooting scenes that quite frankly, i'm tired of. I'm tired of Keanu Reeves doing Karate, and have you seen the guy run? He runs like a girl! And after 4 hours in the last 2 movies of the same stuff, the visual effects in this one were far from stunning. Easy for me to say, i know, but all the same, what made the 1st movie an epic was the fact that it litterally changed the way we watch action movies. Visually, the finale was an anti-climax. On a high-note, Monica Belucci looked pretty damn fine in that eye-popping dress!

And finally...
Why did I devote an entire weekly Blog to The Matrix and a game on my buddy's site? Because in the last week, I haven't given any really deep thought towards anything else. I'm happy to say that I am finally almost fully immersed in the world of a B.B.A. student. During school, I don't think, I just do.

Week 8

This has been a better week then most i must admit. My accounting mark was a B+. Not to shabby if you know anything about me and accounting. I got an A on my Chinese paper. First A on a university essay. And i wrote it in a total of about 5 hours, spread over a day or two. I'm ready to get an A+ on the next one. Macro was low, but it was belled to a mark that was.......well, less low. But i expected as much. Wishful thinking doesn't get you the grades i guess! I went to venue on Thursday for the pub night. I danced with Nerissa for almost the whole night. It was nice. Venue is tiny! But it was a good night. We went out for chinese food afterwards. Shanghai noodles and crispy chicken @ 3 in the morning probably isn't the best diet... but we were all hungry.

I was talking to Tampon, and we came to the realization that all we ever do is bitch and complain whenever we use our respective online journals. In light of this, and considering I have hardly any complaints this week, I guess I'll avoid my regular depressing rants.
Another realization I came to this week I think could be a life-changing one if I gave it some attention. I think that I have an intense compulsion to understand things in an intuitive manner. On the surface, it doesn't seem very odd or important, but I think it actually is.

It partly explains my inability to really subscribe to a specific religion. I'm the sort of person to find certain parts of different religions that allude to an ideaology that benefit society and people in need. I don't reject my Anglican/Methodist background outright b/c despite the fact that I have a contempt for certain aspects of Christianity, there are still many parts of it that are beneficial. What i struggle with in Christianity is the sort of things that don't make intuitive sense to me. I find it devistatingly hard to simply subscribe to something openly, without having an intuitive understanding of its nature. So while I understand and respect such accounts as the coming of Jesus Christ, I find it hard to say such things as the christian god is the one god on earth.

Constantly i wonder why an ultimate God, would send his son down on earth in an area like bethlehem, profoundly touch the lives of a few thousand in the area, and never show his face over in east asia, where another couple thousand were facing times of war in the Han dynasty. What then would that say about the mercy of God? Seems pretty arbitrary. Further still, how then is it fair to impose upon a Chinese person now, the idea that the Christian god is the one true god. Of course, the opposite is true, and it is equally unfair for a Chinese or Indian person to impress upon someone of modern day Christian, that it is in fact Buddha and his teachings that should be followed, rather then the words of Jesus' 12 deciples and a few prophets in the bible.

What makes an eastern religion like Buddhism so attractive is its open-ended claims that any religion is acceptable so long as it points to an ultimate truth and a sense of goodness for humankind. Now that makes intuitive sense! Why fight wars with your neighbours over which parts of the bible are 'right' if, despite obvious discrepancies, all parts of the bible have the ultimate aim of getting people to subscribe to a lifestyle that produces order and harmony for mankind? Why don't we all just get along an adopt this philosophy? Works for the Dalai Lama. Even the Pope, the ultimate worldly figurehead of Catholicism agrees with this. As nice as all of this may seem, i still find it hard to fully subscribe to any eastern religions either. I only accept them insofar as they make intuitive sense to me. I accept the broad concepts of manifestation and change and impermanence, only because they so perfectly relate to concepts like thermodynamics, chemistry and biology. But i still don't have it in me to accept the customs and rituals of the religions, cuz to me a lot of them just don't make any sense.


Intuition partly explains most of my low marks. In every course, i've given enough effort to have a broad understanding of the major concepts, which makes it easy for me to be able to explain to others what to do. But when I'm faced with a basic question on an exam, I struggle. Why? Because when i look at a question, if i haven't practiced it over and over, i can understand perfectly what the question is asking for me to solve, and i can explain exactly how the answer to this question could be usefully applied in real life, and i may have a general understanding of different methods that could be used, but when the question comes down to 'pick the right formula and plug it in' i struggle. I've done poorly in both accountings and stats because of this. Those were my lowest marks (and i actually really like stats). When i form an intuitive link between, for example, deriving a demand function and applying the MUx/MUy formula, i do well and get 7/8. But when I don't make this link, i end up getting 0/12 on a question about journal entries for long-term investments. To ur average accountant, a question like that is a gimme! But i don't have a knack for that sort of thing, not because I can't add, or don't get debits and credits, but because I don't have that intuitive mental picture in my head of exactly how the sale of a bond affects the company and related accounts. I guess intuition comes with hard work, so all of this reduces to, "if i work harder things will make more intuitive sense to me and i'll get higher marks" but as they say, "study smarter, not harder." Now that i realize all this, maybe I can begin to study in a way that'll create an upswing in these marks. Only time will tell!

Man that's a lotta writing... i guess i'll just stop now...

Weeks 6 & 7

Hmm...
I'm confused. I'm not even sure what it is I want. My desires are always subject to change. Sometimes I think my program is the best in the school. Sometimes I would kill to be in comp. sci, math, or philosophy. Sometimes I feel like packing it all up, moving away to Hong Kong or Japan, writing a book and changing the world with my refreshing take on the facets of life. Other times, despite all my efforts I realize I have nothing of value to say. Romantically, I don't think I want a girlfriend right now. I remember last year when i would bum around and say that I wanted someone to talk to and be with and to have and to hold and to cheerish. I think what I want now is that feeling you get, when you know someone just loves the time they spend with you, and would do anything to spend more. I miss that feeling. (I guess it's human nature to want what you can't get). And it seems like every day it gets a little bit harder to reclaim that feeling, because every day it seems like there's less of me to get to know. Word around school is spreading like wildfire about me having 'yellow-fever' and my interests in the chinese culture. I'm steadily becoming 'the black guy that likes asian chicks.' I have a lot of female asian friends tho. I hope none of them get the wrong idea. What's worse is that i'm finding it harder to say, 'there's more to me then just that.' School is such a large investment of time, I hardly have enough time to pursue other interests. So i find myself projecting a shallow mirror image of myself, releasing wisecracks and pickup lines like a social Pez dispenser, soon to be void of all substance. That's pretty bleak i suppose. Ho hum.

How did I fuck up my midterms?
You know, I say that a lot. But then I take an introspective look at what I learned and how much effort I put into learning it, then I realise, "You know, i really could've done more." But this last set of exams was rather confusing. In Micro, i spent the 24 hrs preceding the exam, teaching various people all the intricacies of different parts of the course. And yet, my mark is so undesirable that I'm ashamed to admit that it's mine. I missed macro, so i didn't get that back. The class average has was a 61. If history is any lesson, then my mark isn't far off. International Business was the most depressing of them all. I knew what I had to do. I had the answers ready. I wrote as much as I could, but there wasn't enough time. I feel like I don't even deserve full marks for any questions b/c I know for every question that I had more stuff to say, but I had to move on to the next question. Accounting was alright. All praises due to Almir for supplying me with past exams. What a sad commentary on my life though - accounting was the best part of my week.

What's going on?
Elliot Smith committed suicide the other day. I've listened to some of his songs for hours on end. What does it take to convince a man of only 34 years that it's not worth it to face another day? Apparently, not much. That wasn't intended to make light of the situation, i can honestly say i'm rather saddened by it. If you don't know him, he's the guy singing in the background during all the songs in Good Will Hunting. If you're into soft acoustic folk music, i recommened him.


Gotta end off on a positive
Eev's birthday part was pure good times!! I'm proud of that girl. 11 drinks, and she was fine the next day. She's growing up fast. The whole night was fun. I showed Oxxx how Jamaicans move their bums, then i was attacked by Amy and Christine and they showed me how east-asians move theirs!!! Those girls are too cool. Good times. Hot as hell in there at times tho. Meh

Week 5

Thanksgiving is here. I refuse to give thanks! I thank thee not for giving me 2 exams and a paper due this week! Nor do I thank thee for giving me too few hours in a day to attend to all that must be done! I thank thee not!!!

In the interest of time, I will summarize the thoughts of the past week as follows:
-The apartments on rez are great! I plan to live there one day.
-"Kill Bill" is amazing. Tarantino was far from on hiatus during the last 5 years!
-I think I know what I want to do next week. But I don't want to Jinx it!
-I love my pimpin new indoor soccer shoes. My feet are SWEET on the ball!
With that, I would say that it's time to go to work.

Weeks 3 and 4

How can things be so complicated when you feel so empty? I'm riddled with paradoxes!

I'm officially behind in every subject right now. I can be caught up 4/5 classes by friday. So that's not so bad. 2 weeks til midterms. I feel academically unfulfilled, and yet I'm not even doing well in school. I read my books, and it's so boring that I can't even remember the last sentence I read. But my lectures are entertaining and somewhat enlightening. People in my program ask me questions, and I can answer them rather simply. Ask me to do the same during a mid-term and see if I get the same results! Whatever, school isn't even worth talking about right now. But what is?

What is it I want to do? I've come to realise that one of the most unattractive traits a guy can have is having no ambition. But i think that's me in a nutshell! (That probably explains the girlfriend situation lol). I've got nothing pushing me forward and everything pushing me back. I'm like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. All i can see is a combination of negative outcomes with every possible career path. With this attitude i'm gonna end up bring a friggin Bank Clerk in my 30's. Or maybe with my fancy degree I can be VP of Sales for some company. The name doesn't matter. I don't even want to be part of a firm. I wanna be involved in something that reaches everyone for genuine purposes; not using my advanced education to think of ways to exploit the general buying patterns of a majority of the marketplace. But there I go getting negative again...

I think I never fully understood what I was getting into when I chose to get a Business Degree. I always had a sort of idea that I'd be spending my days learning the trade; learning about things I never cared to learn about before. But I never fully appreciated what that means. I guess that's why I have so much trouble remembering what I have read when i'm going through my textbooks. Things are so much easier to retain when you genuinely enjoy experiencing them. Up until now I've been carrying with me the naive idea that I'm doing all this because I want to! I guess now that I am enlightened to the fact that I have to work hard regardless of the conditions I can actually get down to some Business.

On the bright side of things, I'm loving this song, "Ji Mo De Ji Jie" by David Tao. Thanks to my newest asian friend Yvonne for suggesting i d/l some David Tao music. I never thought Yvonne was such a common name until i came to UTSC. Maybe it's a Chinese thing. Regardless, the song is really nice. I think i'm gonna buy a guitar and learn to play it. It carries so much positive energy with it. But that's all for later. Back to work. Unless I won the Super 7 this week.

Jam

Second Week

So...
1. Soccer: I scored 2 goals for intramurals this weekend. It felt so good; something's actually going right. I think i'm officially the starting striker now. We play a 3-4-3 formation which i am LOVIN!!! It's so great. Centre Forward. My touch on the ball is getting better each day, I can't wait for interhouse. Our team is set.

2. Friends: Punzinha and Jujuba are gone to Washington. I didn't get her anything. Partly b/c of my current cash situation. Mostly because I can't really accept that she's gone for good. Seems to me like this is more of a phase. A BIG phase, but a phase nonetheless. My bro's not saying much about the situation; probably b/c there's nothing he can really do about it. But I can tell he misses her, and she misses him. If only that were enough to make it happen.

3. About life: A few people have asked me, "How's life?" recently. Sadly i couldn't even think of a proper answer. The response "fine" has lost all meaning to me now. Recently i've lost the desire in saying things just for the joy of having said it. Could this be the end to Jamil's quick-wit and humourous doings? Probably not. I pretty much stopped being funny for social reasons in highschool. I'm much more genuine in my thoughts and actions these days. As a consequence, I'm finding that I have little to say to a lot of people that I used to have a lot to say to. (Get it?)

4. Ladies: I think maybe I should get a girlfriend now. I have no time for one. I have no money for one. But shit, a girlfriend would be good right about now. Or maybe just some sattellite TV. I suppose I would be indifferent between getting 2 hrs of European Champions League Soccer, and having 2 hrs with an azn girl. You know what I need? A girl who's as busy and broke as I am! That way, she won't be calling me at all hours of the night when I need to study, and she'll appreciate the 'romantic implications' behind a cost-effective, time-efficient date! That way I would only see her generally when I need to, and it wouldn't cost me too much - much like satellite TV. I'm gonna go scout for some Co-op girls tmrw. They just paid the same tuition fees i did!

5. I have entered the pit that I previously entered this time last year. My studying thus far has been minimal. But i finally think I'm ready to pull myself out of the pit. The studying starts now!

First Week

So....

1. I didn't make the cut for tri-campus. So i guess i'm playing intramurals again this year .

2. I've photocopied all my books except macroeconomics, and half of international business, and so the studying begins!

3. Punzinha moves to Washington this wednesday; I should get her something nice before she leaves.

4. I have about 3-4 thousand pages to read this semester, so i can afford no wasted time.

consequently...

5. Vaya con Dios. Talk to u next week. Or should I say 'wan'an', cuz i'm gonna need to learn some mandarin this year!

"Loooong time, we nuh have no nice time!"

It's official. The votes are in and have all been counted. The new governor of the State of Jamil's Affairs is....Jamil Lumley! After a 4-year long term, Sloth and Mediocrity have lost their seat in the office and support by the people. This is mainly due to recent low marks in summer school causing a revolt in the City of Jamville. Warm welcome and long live El Presidente Jamil!

So here I am, the friday before school. I haven't blogged in awhile. Haven't had much to blog about. Went to NYC... couple birthday parties...bought a locker.... almost done reading a book. Nothing big really. I think i'm gonna cut blogging down to a weekly event anyhow. I plan on working very hard this semester. (There's a first time for everything). I was talking to Tim (my upcoming International Business Prof.) he said that if I do well, he might just consider me for TA'ing in the winter. So the pressure is on. 4.0's across the board this yearm Scarborough's gonna win the tri-campus soccer league this year, i'm making sure of that! And my team is gonna own interhouse! Shit i gotta talk to Randy about coaching indoors! Ugh, and so marks the beginning of a new year!


Jammi

Long time no blog

Stats is finally over. Another one bites the dust. Since the my last blog:
-The eastern seaboard and parts of Canada have lost and regained power
-I've found out that (1 vodka + rum + juice, 1 rum n coke, 4 beers, and 3 shots of liquid
cocaine) is where I move from buzzed to a little tipsy.
-I've scored a hat trick, resulting in my 5th-7th goals of the season (original goal --> 5)
-I've fallen off my bike and sucessfully skinned half my shoulder.. parts of my knee and
wrist
-I've destroyed my cleats, i now have duct-tape wrapped around my boots!
-I've finished stats; I passed for sure, but not by enough to be happy.

I wish i had something big to say, but really I'm just too tired now. The summer's almost over. For the first time that fact actually puts a genuine smile on my face.

Jammi

Irony

I wonder sometimes what it's like to have a dream - an undeniable thirst for a single path in life. I don't think I've ever had one. I've had visions, some more vivid then others, but never a dream. Last weekend I got to see my favourite soccer player in the world. I watched him train before the match with the team. I watched him score a superb goal in front of a sold out crowd of over 68000 people. I watched him. For an hour and a half i relived the most vivid vision I've ever had in my life - I watched world class European soccer. Then, in a manner of speaking, i woke up from this vision and I was back in Toronto; back in the world of due dates and frustration.

My problem tonight is not typical. I've already finished rationalizing that the only differences between the soccer I play now and the soccer I would've played in europe are the level of comittment, the recognition, and the fact that I would get payed to do it. None of those reasons have ever seemed valuable enough to pursue that career.

My problem tonight is that I've finally realised that it's so much easier to decide not to be something then it is to decide to be something. Actually, that's a lie, that's not my problem. The fact is that I don't want to be anything. If there's one idea worthy of adhering to in existentialism, it's that the best part of life is not in being something, but in doing something. Most of my soon-to-be-managers with a high need for achievement would probably disagree with that, but I still think it's true. But it carries with it one pitfall. In management, the only consolation i have for why I'm doing all the garbage I have to do is that one day, I might actually be something. Kinda ironic.

Jammi

what the hell

I originally wrote a blog.. then there was an internal error.. and my blog was erased.. i refuse to retype my blog

But i will mention this. It is official.... Barca vs. Man U. The tickets are in my hand.

Keep it movin'

It's official. Jammi's got tickets to the Machester vs. Barcelona game!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

So Jammi's gonna be in Philadelphia this weekend! No Caribana.. but it's worth it!


Jammi

Good old mondays

There's a limit to how many times you can say, "Next time I'll do better" and actually believe it.

Today i reached my limit.

Jammi

Viva Barca!

I just finished watching Barcalona vs. Juventus. Amazing! Ronaldinho is going to be world player of the year. And Rijkaard is the sickest coach! I can't wait to see these guys play when Patrick Kluivert's back!

My game was a tad less eventful, but it was still good. I didn't score, the streak is over, but my brother did, and we won the game. It was hard-fought though! My left quads are officially torn, and my right knee is bruised. And I still got a lump on my leg from the accident with the van! Damn chinese drivers! Anyway, this weekend has been all soccer. Time to get the work done.

Jammi

"It's saturday, it's a saturday.... saturday it's a saturday!"

A well deserved day of rest after a gruesome 2 weeks of studying for exams. Hardly seems worth it. Stats was at best a B. An A if the TA's like me... or if they're blind. They don't even know my name tho. Shit! I should've introduced myself. Management was a C+... i don't know why i think Stats is going to be a B then!! It probably won't be. Academically, this summer has not gone according to plan. I suppose there's always next term. I'm gonna have to turn things around. I'm doing aright with soccer so far; 4 goals in 3 games. 1 more and I can say I achieved my goal. Hope I score tomorrow and keep up the streak. I can tell my grand kids years from now about back in the day when their grandpa used to score every time he stepped on the pitch. Speaking of soccer, I've really gotta check out one of these World Tour games. Anybody want to go to boston next thursday? What else? I don't even remember now; i've forgot all of my long-term goals for the summer. The only concepts that really carry any weight anymore is today and tomorrow. I guess it's not really all that bad.

A question has been jumping around in my head these last few weeks concerning the cosmos. Is the universe finite or infinite? We know the universe is expanding because of the growing distances between stars and galaxies and such, but still there's a basic idea that i feel is unresolved: If the universe is finite, it must have an end-point or boundary of some sort. If that's true, and the universe is expanding, what is it expanding towards? In other words, what is on the other side of the universal wall? Nothingness and empty space seem to be the only permissable answers, but even then you could ask, "If the universe which is made up of space is expanding into space, then is it really expanding? Seems to me as though all of the matter in the observable universe is simply moving out towards unchartered space. The very fact that the universe can and will expand until the point where the density of the universe reaches a critical value, causing it to contract again, sort of asserts that the universe must be infinitely big. Seems like there's infinite room for expansion. I should stop there, I don't even know why I care about that stuff anymore. Organizational expansion, that's what's important right? Right?!?!? Well until August 22nd it is!

I should get back to work. Don't wanna let my group down.

Jammi

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Hello all, and welcome to my blogspot! Hope you enjoy all that is to come.

My first blog.... what can I say? I suppose a bit about me is in order!

Attribute: Jamil Lumley
Date of Final Assemblage: June 3rd, 1983
Location of Final Assemblage: Toronto, Canada
Model Makeup:
i) Hair (black)
ii) Eyes (brown)
iii) skin (responsive to sun exposure)
iv) Sex (alpha male)
Main Leisure Program playing/watching soccer
Leisure Sub-Programs: watching movies, chilling with friends, listening to music, asian women
Main Societal Function: Undergraduate Student, University of Toronto


The rest you'll come to learn about me as the days go on...