I'm now more confused about everything then ever before. Sometimes, at the end of the day it feels hard to trust anything outside of yourself. I wonder about the nature of my usefulness to other people. I wonder, who am I? Aside from being "di gyal dem sugah," perhaps it is the case that I am simply a commodity to be used for entertainment, compassion, educational purposes. The sad thing is, you never really know the answer for sure. One day you feel like you've established yourself as a significant part in everyone else's reality; other days, you get up in the morning and wonder whether you're doing it for yourself or for others. In either case, you know people will be happy to see you when they see you, and yet, you don't know if people will actually be upset if they don't.
It's finally that time of year. The cold, the snow, the influenza, the extra pounds of fat, the rush to find clothing on sale... good old Christmas. Remember the days when this time of year was symbolized by feelings of faith and adhering to religion? (Neither do I!) I think it would be nice this year to spend the Christmas season with someone special. I think that every year, but this year feels different. Normally this is the time of year where I begin to misinterpret the longest standing friendship I have with a girl, and I start to feel her out to see if maybe I've got a chance for something more. I'm invariably let down. Nonetheless, this year I feel no desire to do as much, but I do think there's something on the horizon. Nothing happens with wishful thinking, so I guess if I really want to, I'm gonna have to act. Wish me luck!
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