Blog #40

I should say that I'm feeling distress.  I think to myself of all the things in life that can go wrong.  It's natural and in some cases inevitable for things to fall down; why, it's fundamental thermodynamics!   Right now life is feeling like that machine that I've been working on.  The machine I brought through research and development right up until product testing.  Here it is now on the workroom floor, and it's working!  This is not a good feeling though.   The more things start to work, the more I fear the things that can go wrong. 

I should say that I've already said all this.  I think either my last post or the post before that ran along the same lines.  I owe it to myself and to the One who is helping the good times roll to stop bothering with this worry. 

I should say more strongly that there is a part of me that feels that incidentally, by saying all of this, that I am almost making it hard for God to smite me.  How can He smite one whom is in the process of paying homage to Him, after all?  But I know full well that God, or the concept thereof, breaks through these notions of power struggles.  He could smite me either way, whether I've made it 'hard' for Him or not.  So I just want to make it clear that I'm not trying to contend with Him.  I just want to absolve myself of this feeling of anxiety I have, so that I can go on with my life.  The machine is working, but it's only on the ground floor.  I still have to market it and unleash it on the world to reap in a profit, and then share that profit, and so forth.

I should say that it's good that God is not a man.  Because a man would already be fed up with me.   Calling him up during good times and bad just to talk, before 6pm no less.  But there are just so many things I care about; so many people, myself primarily included.   I just want everything to be fine, like in all those inspirational songs and ballads.  I'm like that naive child on his birthday, wishing for world peace, ignoring the vast complexities of such a request.  But I know, bad things will come, and I won't be prepared for them, I won't be expecting them, I won't know how to deal with them, they will cause me grief, and cause grief to others.  It's a fact, but one that's just so hard to face with a chin up! 

I shouldn't even make my worries a matter of theology.  I just feel that I'm powerless to control the myriad of things about which I care so dearly.  And so, this causes me to seek the aid of the most powerful Ally I could possibly ask for.

I should end this discussion, unsheath myself from this veil of uncertainty and face tomorrow with the same faith that has carried me through my life to date.  People say that in this generation we don't have faith, but we do.  We wake up every morning less concerned about the simple but most important things, like whether we'll even wake up tomorrow.  We have faith in the reliability of things, and that faith grows with every passing day.  But to truly grab hold of this faith, it takes moments like these where you sincerely question this reliability. 

Of life and love...

I have to add something to a previous post of mine. I once argued for the necessary existence of God, by showing that there are indeed some things in our universe that are uncontrollable by mankind, or any form of living entities. Things that could only be controlled by an ultimate Controller of sorts. I painted a pretty bleek picture of the usefulness of the human will, but I must add that I believe greatly in the power of the human spirit. I hope and pray that the combined will of man can indeed affect things in ways that we're not aware of. I guess what I'm saying is that I hope and pray that my hopes and prayers are as useful as I feel they are. It just seems to me that we can hope and pray for a lot of things, but they don't all come true. So there must be something else, something more. Maybe it's simply the case that the will of man falls subject to the will of God. That being said...

Dick Advocaat's a crappy coach. Holland should rehire Rijkaard. That's all I got to say about Euro 2004.

After an intense philosophical debate with myself, I came upon a question: What would I prefer, life or happiness? A false dichotomy for most, but all the same, what would you choose if you had to? I think I'm still at a point in my life where I'd have to pick life. Were it to be the case that my life could be extended in length, while each day were to be proportionally less joyful, I wouldn't mind it. I suppose those are the sad words of the truly happy, but still, there's so much more I want to do before it's all over. And yet, when I feel sad, it has not been uncommon for me to say things like, "I hate my life!" or to suggest that I would even forfeit a few days of my life, for nothing else then for a few days of happiness. In a way, we all prove to hold this philosophy; eating tasty but unhealthy foods, smoking, drinking, and doing all the other things that will most certainly take a day or 2 off the lifeline without much care. I mean really, who's never had a little too much cheesecake for 1 night. Getting back to the point, it seems that in general, when u're happy, u want more life and care less about happiness, and when u're sad, u want happiness and care less about life. Maybe the grass is just greener on the other side.

Or then again, as most of us simply wish to lead a long AND happy life, then maybe the real truth is simply that when u're happy you focus on the longevity part of life, but when u're sad (but seemingly healthy) u focus on the happiness part. Which makes my previous philosophical exploration fruitless. Note to self, think about philosophy, earlier on in the night from now on. Damn, i've been at this for 40 minutes? Why say more? Save it for tomorrow.