This has been a better week then most i must admit. My accounting mark was a B+. Not to shabby if you know anything about me and accounting. I got an A on my Chinese paper. First A on a university essay. And i wrote it in a total of about 5 hours, spread over a day or two. I'm ready to get an A+ on the next one. Macro was low, but it was belled to a mark that was.......well, less low. But i expected as much. Wishful thinking doesn't get you the grades i guess! I went to venue on Thursday for the pub night. I danced with Nerissa for almost the whole night. It was nice. Venue is tiny! But it was a good night. We went out for chinese food afterwards. Shanghai noodles and crispy chicken @ 3 in the morning probably isn't the best diet... but we were all hungry.
I was talking to Tampon, and we came to the realization that all we ever do is bitch and complain whenever we use our respective online journals. In light of this, and considering I have hardly any complaints this week, I guess I'll avoid my regular depressing rants.
Another realization I came to this week I think could be a life-changing one if I gave it some attention. I think that I have an intense compulsion to understand things in an intuitive manner. On the surface, it doesn't seem very odd or important, but I think it actually is.
It partly explains my inability to really subscribe to a specific religion. I'm the sort of person to find certain parts of different religions that allude to an ideaology that benefit society and people in need. I don't reject my Anglican/Methodist background outright b/c despite the fact that I have a contempt for certain aspects of Christianity, there are still many parts of it that are beneficial. What i struggle with in Christianity is the sort of things that don't make intuitive sense to me. I find it devistatingly hard to simply subscribe to something openly, without having an intuitive understanding of its nature. So while I understand and respect such accounts as the coming of Jesus Christ, I find it hard to say such things as the christian god is the one god on earth.
Constantly i wonder why an ultimate God, would send his son down on earth in an area like bethlehem, profoundly touch the lives of a few thousand in the area, and never show his face over in east asia, where another couple thousand were facing times of war in the Han dynasty. What then would that say about the mercy of God? Seems pretty arbitrary. Further still, how then is it fair to impose upon a Chinese person now, the idea that the Christian god is the one true god. Of course, the opposite is true, and it is equally unfair for a Chinese or Indian person to impress upon someone of modern day Christian, that it is in fact Buddha and his teachings that should be followed, rather then the words of Jesus' 12 deciples and a few prophets in the bible.
What makes an eastern religion like Buddhism so attractive is its open-ended claims that any religion is acceptable so long as it points to an ultimate truth and a sense of goodness for humankind. Now that makes intuitive sense! Why fight wars with your neighbours over which parts of the bible are 'right' if, despite obvious discrepancies, all parts of the bible have the ultimate aim of getting people to subscribe to a lifestyle that produces order and harmony for mankind? Why don't we all just get along an adopt this philosophy? Works for the Dalai Lama. Even the Pope, the ultimate worldly figurehead of Catholicism agrees with this. As nice as all of this may seem, i still find it hard to fully subscribe to any eastern religions either. I only accept them insofar as they make intuitive sense to me. I accept the broad concepts of manifestation and change and impermanence, only because they so perfectly relate to concepts like thermodynamics, chemistry and biology. But i still don't have it in me to accept the customs and rituals of the religions, cuz to me a lot of them just don't make any sense.
Intuition partly explains most of my low marks. In every course, i've given enough effort to have a broad understanding of the major concepts, which makes it easy for me to be able to explain to others what to do. But when I'm faced with a basic question on an exam, I struggle. Why? Because when i look at a question, if i haven't practiced it over and over, i can understand perfectly what the question is asking for me to solve, and i can explain exactly how the answer to this question could be usefully applied in real life, and i may have a general understanding of different methods that could be used, but when the question comes down to 'pick the right formula and plug it in' i struggle. I've done poorly in both accountings and stats because of this. Those were my lowest marks (and i actually really like stats). When i form an intuitive link between, for example, deriving a demand function and applying the MUx/MUy formula, i do well and get 7/8. But when I don't make this link, i end up getting 0/12 on a question about journal entries for long-term investments. To ur average accountant, a question like that is a gimme! But i don't have a knack for that sort of thing, not because I can't add, or don't get debits and credits, but because I don't have that intuitive mental picture in my head of exactly how the sale of a bond affects the company and related accounts. I guess intuition comes with hard work, so all of this reduces to, "if i work harder things will make more intuitive sense to me and i'll get higher marks" but as they say, "study smarter, not harder." Now that i realize all this, maybe I can begin to study in a way that'll create an upswing in these marks. Only time will tell!
Man that's a lotta writing... i guess i'll just stop now...
Friday, October 31, 2003
Friday, October 24, 2003
Weeks 6 & 7
Hmm...
I'm confused. I'm not even sure what it is I want. My desires are always subject to change. Sometimes I think my program is the best in the school. Sometimes I would kill to be in comp. sci, math, or philosophy. Sometimes I feel like packing it all up, moving away to Hong Kong or Japan, writing a book and changing the world with my refreshing take on the facets of life. Other times, despite all my efforts I realize I have nothing of value to say. Romantically, I don't think I want a girlfriend right now. I remember last year when i would bum around and say that I wanted someone to talk to and be with and to have and to hold and to cheerish. I think what I want now is that feeling you get, when you know someone just loves the time they spend with you, and would do anything to spend more. I miss that feeling. (I guess it's human nature to want what you can't get). And it seems like every day it gets a little bit harder to reclaim that feeling, because every day it seems like there's less of me to get to know. Word around school is spreading like wildfire about me having 'yellow-fever' and my interests in the chinese culture. I'm steadily becoming 'the black guy that likes asian chicks.' I have a lot of female asian friends tho. I hope none of them get the wrong idea. What's worse is that i'm finding it harder to say, 'there's more to me then just that.' School is such a large investment of time, I hardly have enough time to pursue other interests. So i find myself projecting a shallow mirror image of myself, releasing wisecracks and pickup lines like a social Pez dispenser, soon to be void of all substance. That's pretty bleak i suppose. Ho hum.
How did I fuck up my midterms?
You know, I say that a lot. But then I take an introspective look at what I learned and how much effort I put into learning it, then I realise, "You know, i really could've done more." But this last set of exams was rather confusing. In Micro, i spent the 24 hrs preceding the exam, teaching various people all the intricacies of different parts of the course. And yet, my mark is so undesirable that I'm ashamed to admit that it's mine. I missed macro, so i didn't get that back. The class average has was a 61. If history is any lesson, then my mark isn't far off. International Business was the most depressing of them all. I knew what I had to do. I had the answers ready. I wrote as much as I could, but there wasn't enough time. I feel like I don't even deserve full marks for any questions b/c I know for every question that I had more stuff to say, but I had to move on to the next question. Accounting was alright. All praises due to Almir for supplying me with past exams. What a sad commentary on my life though - accounting was the best part of my week.
What's going on?
Elliot Smith committed suicide the other day. I've listened to some of his songs for hours on end. What does it take to convince a man of only 34 years that it's not worth it to face another day? Apparently, not much. That wasn't intended to make light of the situation, i can honestly say i'm rather saddened by it. If you don't know him, he's the guy singing in the background during all the songs in Good Will Hunting. If you're into soft acoustic folk music, i recommened him.
Gotta end off on a positive
Eev's birthday part was pure good times!! I'm proud of that girl. 11 drinks, and she was fine the next day. She's growing up fast. The whole night was fun. I showed Oxxx how Jamaicans move their bums, then i was attacked by Amy and Christine and they showed me how east-asians move theirs!!! Those girls are too cool. Good times. Hot as hell in there at times tho. Meh
I'm confused. I'm not even sure what it is I want. My desires are always subject to change. Sometimes I think my program is the best in the school. Sometimes I would kill to be in comp. sci, math, or philosophy. Sometimes I feel like packing it all up, moving away to Hong Kong or Japan, writing a book and changing the world with my refreshing take on the facets of life. Other times, despite all my efforts I realize I have nothing of value to say. Romantically, I don't think I want a girlfriend right now. I remember last year when i would bum around and say that I wanted someone to talk to and be with and to have and to hold and to cheerish. I think what I want now is that feeling you get, when you know someone just loves the time they spend with you, and would do anything to spend more. I miss that feeling. (I guess it's human nature to want what you can't get). And it seems like every day it gets a little bit harder to reclaim that feeling, because every day it seems like there's less of me to get to know. Word around school is spreading like wildfire about me having 'yellow-fever' and my interests in the chinese culture. I'm steadily becoming 'the black guy that likes asian chicks.' I have a lot of female asian friends tho. I hope none of them get the wrong idea. What's worse is that i'm finding it harder to say, 'there's more to me then just that.' School is such a large investment of time, I hardly have enough time to pursue other interests. So i find myself projecting a shallow mirror image of myself, releasing wisecracks and pickup lines like a social Pez dispenser, soon to be void of all substance. That's pretty bleak i suppose. Ho hum.
How did I fuck up my midterms?
You know, I say that a lot. But then I take an introspective look at what I learned and how much effort I put into learning it, then I realise, "You know, i really could've done more." But this last set of exams was rather confusing. In Micro, i spent the 24 hrs preceding the exam, teaching various people all the intricacies of different parts of the course. And yet, my mark is so undesirable that I'm ashamed to admit that it's mine. I missed macro, so i didn't get that back. The class average has was a 61. If history is any lesson, then my mark isn't far off. International Business was the most depressing of them all. I knew what I had to do. I had the answers ready. I wrote as much as I could, but there wasn't enough time. I feel like I don't even deserve full marks for any questions b/c I know for every question that I had more stuff to say, but I had to move on to the next question. Accounting was alright. All praises due to Almir for supplying me with past exams. What a sad commentary on my life though - accounting was the best part of my week.
What's going on?
Elliot Smith committed suicide the other day. I've listened to some of his songs for hours on end. What does it take to convince a man of only 34 years that it's not worth it to face another day? Apparently, not much. That wasn't intended to make light of the situation, i can honestly say i'm rather saddened by it. If you don't know him, he's the guy singing in the background during all the songs in Good Will Hunting. If you're into soft acoustic folk music, i recommened him.
Gotta end off on a positive
Eev's birthday part was pure good times!! I'm proud of that girl. 11 drinks, and she was fine the next day. She's growing up fast. The whole night was fun. I showed Oxxx how Jamaicans move their bums, then i was attacked by Amy and Christine and they showed me how east-asians move theirs!!! Those girls are too cool. Good times. Hot as hell in there at times tho. Meh
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Week 5
Thanksgiving is here. I refuse to give thanks! I thank thee not for giving me 2 exams and a paper due this week! Nor do I thank thee for giving me too few hours in a day to attend to all that must be done! I thank thee not!!!
In the interest of time, I will summarize the thoughts of the past week as follows:
-The apartments on rez are great! I plan to live there one day.
-"Kill Bill" is amazing. Tarantino was far from on hiatus during the last 5 years!
-I think I know what I want to do next week. But I don't want to Jinx it!
-I love my pimpin new indoor soccer shoes. My feet are SWEET on the ball!
With that, I would say that it's time to go to work.
In the interest of time, I will summarize the thoughts of the past week as follows:
-The apartments on rez are great! I plan to live there one day.
-"Kill Bill" is amazing. Tarantino was far from on hiatus during the last 5 years!
-I think I know what I want to do next week. But I don't want to Jinx it!
-I love my pimpin new indoor soccer shoes. My feet are SWEET on the ball!
With that, I would say that it's time to go to work.
Saturday, October 04, 2003
Weeks 3 and 4
How can things be so complicated when you feel so empty? I'm riddled with paradoxes!
I'm officially behind in every subject right now. I can be caught up 4/5 classes by friday. So that's not so bad. 2 weeks til midterms. I feel academically unfulfilled, and yet I'm not even doing well in school. I read my books, and it's so boring that I can't even remember the last sentence I read. But my lectures are entertaining and somewhat enlightening. People in my program ask me questions, and I can answer them rather simply. Ask me to do the same during a mid-term and see if I get the same results! Whatever, school isn't even worth talking about right now. But what is?
What is it I want to do? I've come to realise that one of the most unattractive traits a guy can have is having no ambition. But i think that's me in a nutshell! (That probably explains the girlfriend situation lol). I've got nothing pushing me forward and everything pushing me back. I'm like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. All i can see is a combination of negative outcomes with every possible career path. With this attitude i'm gonna end up bring a friggin Bank Clerk in my 30's. Or maybe with my fancy degree I can be VP of Sales for some company. The name doesn't matter. I don't even want to be part of a firm. I wanna be involved in something that reaches everyone for genuine purposes; not using my advanced education to think of ways to exploit the general buying patterns of a majority of the marketplace. But there I go getting negative again...
I think I never fully understood what I was getting into when I chose to get a Business Degree. I always had a sort of idea that I'd be spending my days learning the trade; learning about things I never cared to learn about before. But I never fully appreciated what that means. I guess that's why I have so much trouble remembering what I have read when i'm going through my textbooks. Things are so much easier to retain when you genuinely enjoy experiencing them. Up until now I've been carrying with me the naive idea that I'm doing all this because I want to! I guess now that I am enlightened to the fact that I have to work hard regardless of the conditions I can actually get down to some Business.
On the bright side of things, I'm loving this song, "Ji Mo De Ji Jie" by David Tao. Thanks to my newest asian friend Yvonne for suggesting i d/l some David Tao music. I never thought Yvonne was such a common name until i came to UTSC. Maybe it's a Chinese thing. Regardless, the song is really nice. I think i'm gonna buy a guitar and learn to play it. It carries so much positive energy with it. But that's all for later. Back to work. Unless I won the Super 7 this week.
Jam
I'm officially behind in every subject right now. I can be caught up 4/5 classes by friday. So that's not so bad. 2 weeks til midterms. I feel academically unfulfilled, and yet I'm not even doing well in school. I read my books, and it's so boring that I can't even remember the last sentence I read. But my lectures are entertaining and somewhat enlightening. People in my program ask me questions, and I can answer them rather simply. Ask me to do the same during a mid-term and see if I get the same results! Whatever, school isn't even worth talking about right now. But what is?
What is it I want to do? I've come to realise that one of the most unattractive traits a guy can have is having no ambition. But i think that's me in a nutshell! (That probably explains the girlfriend situation lol). I've got nothing pushing me forward and everything pushing me back. I'm like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. All i can see is a combination of negative outcomes with every possible career path. With this attitude i'm gonna end up bring a friggin Bank Clerk in my 30's. Or maybe with my fancy degree I can be VP of Sales for some company. The name doesn't matter. I don't even want to be part of a firm. I wanna be involved in something that reaches everyone for genuine purposes; not using my advanced education to think of ways to exploit the general buying patterns of a majority of the marketplace. But there I go getting negative again...
I think I never fully understood what I was getting into when I chose to get a Business Degree. I always had a sort of idea that I'd be spending my days learning the trade; learning about things I never cared to learn about before. But I never fully appreciated what that means. I guess that's why I have so much trouble remembering what I have read when i'm going through my textbooks. Things are so much easier to retain when you genuinely enjoy experiencing them. Up until now I've been carrying with me the naive idea that I'm doing all this because I want to! I guess now that I am enlightened to the fact that I have to work hard regardless of the conditions I can actually get down to some Business.
On the bright side of things, I'm loving this song, "Ji Mo De Ji Jie" by David Tao. Thanks to my newest asian friend Yvonne for suggesting i d/l some David Tao music. I never thought Yvonne was such a common name until i came to UTSC. Maybe it's a Chinese thing. Regardless, the song is really nice. I think i'm gonna buy a guitar and learn to play it. It carries so much positive energy with it. But that's all for later. Back to work. Unless I won the Super 7 this week.
Jam
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