Weeks 3 and 4

How can things be so complicated when you feel so empty? I'm riddled with paradoxes!

I'm officially behind in every subject right now. I can be caught up 4/5 classes by friday. So that's not so bad. 2 weeks til midterms. I feel academically unfulfilled, and yet I'm not even doing well in school. I read my books, and it's so boring that I can't even remember the last sentence I read. But my lectures are entertaining and somewhat enlightening. People in my program ask me questions, and I can answer them rather simply. Ask me to do the same during a mid-term and see if I get the same results! Whatever, school isn't even worth talking about right now. But what is?

What is it I want to do? I've come to realise that one of the most unattractive traits a guy can have is having no ambition. But i think that's me in a nutshell! (That probably explains the girlfriend situation lol). I've got nothing pushing me forward and everything pushing me back. I'm like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. All i can see is a combination of negative outcomes with every possible career path. With this attitude i'm gonna end up bring a friggin Bank Clerk in my 30's. Or maybe with my fancy degree I can be VP of Sales for some company. The name doesn't matter. I don't even want to be part of a firm. I wanna be involved in something that reaches everyone for genuine purposes; not using my advanced education to think of ways to exploit the general buying patterns of a majority of the marketplace. But there I go getting negative again...

I think I never fully understood what I was getting into when I chose to get a Business Degree. I always had a sort of idea that I'd be spending my days learning the trade; learning about things I never cared to learn about before. But I never fully appreciated what that means. I guess that's why I have so much trouble remembering what I have read when i'm going through my textbooks. Things are so much easier to retain when you genuinely enjoy experiencing them. Up until now I've been carrying with me the naive idea that I'm doing all this because I want to! I guess now that I am enlightened to the fact that I have to work hard regardless of the conditions I can actually get down to some Business.

On the bright side of things, I'm loving this song, "Ji Mo De Ji Jie" by David Tao. Thanks to my newest asian friend Yvonne for suggesting i d/l some David Tao music. I never thought Yvonne was such a common name until i came to UTSC. Maybe it's a Chinese thing. Regardless, the song is really nice. I think i'm gonna buy a guitar and learn to play it. It carries so much positive energy with it. But that's all for later. Back to work. Unless I won the Super 7 this week.

Jam