Irony

I wonder sometimes what it's like to have a dream - an undeniable thirst for a single path in life. I don't think I've ever had one. I've had visions, some more vivid then others, but never a dream. Last weekend I got to see my favourite soccer player in the world. I watched him train before the match with the team. I watched him score a superb goal in front of a sold out crowd of over 68000 people. I watched him. For an hour and a half i relived the most vivid vision I've ever had in my life - I watched world class European soccer. Then, in a manner of speaking, i woke up from this vision and I was back in Toronto; back in the world of due dates and frustration.

My problem tonight is not typical. I've already finished rationalizing that the only differences between the soccer I play now and the soccer I would've played in europe are the level of comittment, the recognition, and the fact that I would get payed to do it. None of those reasons have ever seemed valuable enough to pursue that career.

My problem tonight is that I've finally realised that it's so much easier to decide not to be something then it is to decide to be something. Actually, that's a lie, that's not my problem. The fact is that I don't want to be anything. If there's one idea worthy of adhering to in existentialism, it's that the best part of life is not in being something, but in doing something. Most of my soon-to-be-managers with a high need for achievement would probably disagree with that, but I still think it's true. But it carries with it one pitfall. In management, the only consolation i have for why I'm doing all the garbage I have to do is that one day, I might actually be something. Kinda ironic.

Jammi