The Misconception

Possibly the greatest of them all is that love is objective. It's actually more of a mistreatment, then a misconception. It's comforting to feel that love is out there. Many of us like to feel that there are certain things we look for in a companion, and if that's offered to us then we'll be happy. But we won't be happy, we'll simply be satisfied. That approach to love is like having steamed fish and whole wheat bread before an evening workout, providing you with essential proteins and omega-3s to maximize the effectiveness of your diet and workout regime, which may indeed yield positive long-term results. Love, on the other hand, is a friggin bite out of a wad of chocolate chip cookie dough. It just feels good inside. Functionally, it makes no sense. It runs contrary to long-term health, but its biproduct (happiness) is essential for good living; the paradox of love. In fact, much like raw cookie-dough, love has been known to be the demise of a few people, but many of us just can't find resist ingesting it, at least once.

Before I go further off on that tangent of an analogy, I'll get get back to the point. I don't think love is out there. It seems almost silly to go out and look for that somebody who has all of those qualities you feel you need in a companion. Why do I say all of this? Let me offer an example, one that is not entirely true, but I embellish to prove a point.

Today I am in love with his lady that works at my bank. She's 11 years older then me, and has a kid half my age. She's gorgeous and would undeniably satisfy all of those desires. Most importantly - or soon you'll see, least importantly - I feel, she's perfect for me because she can give me everything I want. I have this vision of her offering me what no other girl can right now, an uncompromisingly nurturing relationship with a strong emotional connection. Actually, other girls might be able to, but my feelings are such that I think she's the best candidate. Blah blah blah, for those reasons and more she's perfect for me in ways most others will never understand (the timeless love story).

Tomorrow, I will not be in love with her. Not because my love for her is impure, I know that it is. But tomorrow I will not love her, because in actuality I only loved those things which I felt she could offer me - the uncompromisingly nurturing stuff and so forth. Tomorrow I will wake up and naturally I will want something completely different. I will want someone who doesn't have a kid, perhaps, because I will come to fear such responsibility at my age. Tomorrow I will want somebody to study with, and somebody who'll know what I mean when I ramble on about philosophy and econ, and doesn't know the first thing about banking! Tomorrow, I will want the exact opposite of that which she offers me, and so my love for her will pass. The argument here is that I never really loved her. I only loved her offerings, and her willingness to supply them.

This sort of thing happens everyday. Divorces and breakups happen because people "reach a point in their life" where they feel that they need something else. And it's true, they do. And fighting against these feelings is unnatural. Relationships can drag on and on, but regardless the truth is evident, those things which previously defined the love between companions, aren't important any more, and by virtue of that, their love for each other is equally unimportant.

How then can love stand the test of time? Only if love is personal, and undefined in terms of wants and expectations. Upon realising this, I can come to terms with the fact that although my love for the lady at work was pure in an objective and detached way, it wasn't personal, and so it wasn't really pure at all. Love isn't any of those things she can offer me. Love isn't even the way I feel as she embraces me in her arms and tells me how deeply she feels about me.

When the time comes, I will have found her, and all those who know that I know of real love ask me, "Jamil, what is real love?" there will be no answer that will even compare to the answer that I will offer. To each and every one of them, I will simply say, "Love is her."