Me, today.

Well, 2004, what can i say? So far...
A highschool friend of mine has killed herself
I've almost totally liquified my financial accounts
I've got myself into more then one situation that I am going to have to carefully get myself out of (soon!)
I've put on 4 pounds, which leaves me with another 15 pounds that need to be lost
I've been denied the chance to even interview for the position of coaching a soccer team this year.

Last but not least, I've screwed myself academically. And this time, it's not a bunch of false promises. It's not, "I said i was gonna study but i didn't." And there will be no, "Honestly, i messed around last year, I could've done better." If my remaining two marks aren't both 70s, I am officially out of co-op. Damned if I give a rats ass about the friggin program - I've had my doubts since the co-op tutorials last year. The problem is, that I've let myself down! I set a goal, worked towards it, and failed. This is a humbling truth that i cannot shake. I made a vow to myself to get my GPA up. I may indeed get a 2.5. I think I got my 70s. Then again,a lot of things I thought were in the Bank were actually out of my grasp.

I can't help but feel jealous. I watch people study less then me and do better. I watch people study more then me and do better. I study with each respective group of people, and they all do better. The only constant in my life, in the last year in a half, is that everyone is doing better. So jealousy is a feeling I cannot deny anymore.

They say pride is a sin. Well I must be a saint! Pride denotes confidence, and mine is shattered. My outlook on things is bleak. If I didn' t come to love life so much, I'd exchange it for something less discouraging. I'm down. I'm beyond motivational provocation. I sincerely hope that there exists in our universe incalulable, undeterminable forces. Whether it be God, divine will, non-being, perfect randomness, or simply sheer luck, i need something to help me change things around. My spirit is broken and I can't find a crutch. Last semester I tried using my peers, while all the time forgetting that I'm heavier then almost all of them. So here I am, with my spirit dragging behind me on the ground, picking up large quantities of shit with every stride i take. And towards what do I stride? A big pile of shit apparently!