Cheeni Cheeni

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for taking us too seriously. You are right. I put a strong focus on us having stability. Too strong. I want you to just...understand a distinction, and I wanted you to understand this the whole time. I wasn't trying to put a focus on potential permanency between us. I just wanted us to be stable for the little while we were together. I wanted to say, "hey everyone, this is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" in a closed room with just you and me. I thought you wanted the same.

You were my flower. I didn't expect you to last through the winter, as such. I just wanted to see you blossom and bloom and say, "hey everyone, this is my flower, isn't it beautiful?" in a closed room with just you and me. I wanted you to bloom for me. And when you did, I could say "This year was a good year for harvest" and then I could prepare for the winter; then I could face the winter because I could stay warm with the memories of you in the sunlight. And you were so close to full bloom - everyday you opened up a little bit more, and I wasn't going to stop tending to your soil until I knew you were ready to be potted. Then maybe I could give you away and remember that I helped grow the perfect flower, just once. But this wasn't your season, you didn't want to bloom for me. Sometimes the perfect blossom happens only once, and it's wrong to force it. So I'm sorry.

I can't stop crying because it feels like death to see you close up against me, especially so suddenly. That's why this hurts, that's it. It's just going to take some time to understand that you have to close up, because soon you will blossom for someone else, and that you are not my flower. That is my fault, not yours. Please just appreciate why I need this time to come to terms with that. You didn't make it easy, but I made it hard.

Love,
Jamil