The shore

Loving you is dry land swimming. I can only describe what it could be like, what it would feel like.  I can only tell you I'm prepared, I have no words around the experience. I've heard good things about what it feels like to crash against your waves, but these days when people ask me why it is that I'm in love with you, I drown.

I drown in the sorrow of not having a day where you were completely mine. I drown in the embarrassment of them knowing you were never truly mine. I drown in the regret of never forcing myself upon you. I drown in the anguish of still waiting for you. I drown in knowing that this love was unconditional.

Your waves carry me back to shore where my love has turned me against you.  Your waves are strong but my love is stronger.  Love always turns competitive when it fears being unfulfilled. So I match your high tides with angry winds from my mouth and your low tides with spiteful silence. I only know how to tread your waters and stand resolute when the moon makes you angry. I know how to jump back in whenever I feel washed up, but there has always been escaping sand between my toes. 

I want to be so deep within your waters that there is no ground to be seen or felt. I want to confuse this for weightlessness and continue flying, farther anf further within you. I want to immerse myself in your enormity and speak of my adventures. The first man to have gone so deep into her ocean, the only man to lay claim to knowing her completely, having seen both her sides.  I want the world to see my words and share in the delight I have in describing you with my words. I want us to be celebrated.

But anyone who reads this today will only read it with anger, anguish or pity. It was selfish for me to even write it, worse still publicly. I think when love gets competitive it hates losing more than it loves winning. Maybe that's why I am dry land swimming.

There's only two ways off the shore.  Loving you is the direction I chose, but you have to receive me with your waves to make it work.