Definitive

I suppose my ask is simple.  I've made my ask complicated as it impacts all that I am, and moreso impacts what I can be, and what I can't be.  But ultimately, I suppose it's the case that the most important truths about the world are in fact simple, so I'm convinced that this ask is important.

I know how I feel.  I know what I want.  I know what I need.  I know why I need it.  I don't know how I am felt, how I am wanted, how I am needed or why I am needed.  For what, to what end, to what beginning even.  I know that I am felt, that I am wanted, but now how.  How's are the basis for my howeling.  How will tomorrow differ from today, and how will it be the same?  How will I convey that I am valuable and worth more than my pricetag? Will that even matter?  Or will the world see my pricetag roll up in line with my value, in line with the work I am putting into myself, only to feel as though I am now even more costly than before, for the same product?  Am I just a cost?  My work has already decided so, but perhaps not definitively.  They leave me with questions I need to have answered over these two weeks. 

The next two weeks for me is full of questions.  I suppose I am going to get what I've asked for, answers, simple definitive answers.  A truly thirsty man chooses water before wine, and that is where I am.  I thirst for definitive news.  I don't need to know which way I will go from here, only which way I have been sent.  In this hurricane I have no idea in which direction I will have been spat - up or down?  Will I face the glorious sun or the unforgiving ground with my face?  All I feel is that over the next two weeks, my time here in this place will face a conclusion that I cannot write on my own.  And whether my life to date is to be known as a novel or a novella, is not my decision.  All I can do is make it an epic one.

On the one hand I can't bear the distress of not knowing where my life is headed - it feels more like fear than excitement.  On the other hand, I close my eyes and think that while life today isn't particularly definitive, it is still a defining moment.  My life will go in a direction that I've come to not expect, for I've come to expect that nothing will come of my life that I have not willed into existence.  How could it?  How could I possibly deserve more of the bounties of love and success that I have come to see, without sacrificing for it everyday? How could I deserve more of those bounties when I have had the nerve to sleep, to not question, to rest assured that they will be mine, that they are for me to have?  What arrogance do I have to claim that I deserve bliss?  To which name will God address his glorious presents when I have not even made a name for myself?  Is my name the sum of good actions and a genuine heart?  If so, how is that not enough?  How is that never enough?  Must I lose my joy to lose my pain; how then will happiness be my way? 

So many how's.  The 5 W's the rest of the world can answer for me, and I suppose they will, but I'm left here alone with my how's. Well I know how I feel, I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know why I need it. When I know how the world is finished answering their bit, I'll answer mine.  I say this definitively to anyone who sees this, so that they know today I am a different man.  Today I have my pen in hand, and I am facing a new test, a test with only one question: What is your name?