3:30 AM - Shame

What the fuck is wrong with me? I won't never let you make me think I'm not fly. You keep trying to, but I already I got what women want. So what the fuck is wrong with me? How can you keep spitting on me and then acting like I don't even exist? I'm coming up on a year now and my love for you is just a fucking joke. An anecdote. Cut the bullshit. Best friend? You ever ask yourself why you keep promoting me? You met me and thought this nigga is funny, so you told me a month into knowing you that I'm one of the closest ppl to you. Really? Lock me in. Then I told you I feel the same way in May and you said you don't wanna be with me. But I'm like one of your best friends. Lock me in. Then I told you I love you again in december and you told me you'd rather be with him, but now I'm officially your best friend. Lock me in. Keep promoting me sideways. Tell me you love me, but not like that. Tell me it isn't impossible to see me that way, but it isn't possible. Fine. All that bullshit is easy, I don't even care about all those lies, helps you sleep at night not me. But maybe you should ask why you'll tell me anything in the world to keep me in your life.
So then this friendfucker fucks another girl while he's with you, and you keep rubbing him in my face? The guy fucking insults you and tries to buy you back and does all this stupid gesture shit to win you back, and it isn't til a month later you tell me, 'and I thought you lived in your head.' Well lemme tell you about living in my head. It's fucking hard right now. A year goes by and you won't even give me the benefit of a chance, but a month after this guy finished cheating on you for a month and you wanna give him the benefit of the doubt and a second chance? Let's not dance in step with your halftruths anymore, I called you on this a month ago, that you would let yourself fall for him again. And you had the god damn nerve to yell at me and make me feel like Larah and I were making it hard for you to hate him? I don't need to rip on you for being fucking stupid for taking him back as a friend or as a lover, you rip on yourself enough for that. But through all this bullshit you still put this fucker above me? The chips are down and your family is in pain. I can't message you enough times to see you for even 5 minutes. All I fucking had for you were hugs and good intentions. But no, best friends aren't allowed to visit. Just fucking idiots who cheat on you. Yea he can show up any fucking time. Unexpected? Please. You were begging him to show up for you. Better late than never, he finally showed up for you. At least every other time you decided to be honest with yourself and say that it was a planned visit. Then you take this guy's fucking jesus cross chain? What the fuck. I'm glad it proved to be as empty as every other gesture he's given you and he actually tried to give it to larah first. It's no different than the rose he gave to Navdeep than Larah on the same day. But you're at home with it in your hand wondering if you can change him.
It's fucking hilarious. I remember one of the times I asked if I could be with you, you said no, I would have to be ismaili. Wow. Now you're holding onto your lover's cross wondering if he's even a good Catholic. While I'm here trying to embrace Kushiali as my own. And you can't even give it back to him? Now it symbolizes the sacred promise he's already broken and you have it there. You get so soft for his love, you want it so bad. But you sure know how to get hard against my love. Sitting on the beach reading the myriad, my love profession of how we first met, laughing at it, reading it like a fucking jerk with sarcasm and disinterest, saying I'm so cute for writing it just to put on the cherry of condescension. So much so you had to apologize the next morning. 'But I wanna tell you nobody has ever done anything like that for me before thanks cookie.' And just like that, I forget it existed. Oh right its on facebook.... 3:30am in the fucking office putting the final words down on my epithet of love for you. Willing to serve you softly, through the pain of knowing that I can serve you boldly, the court jester pours more love into his lady's cup, this time the ultimate sacrifice. I will ask not to be her king while she is wounded, for she has been withered by her white night! Did she even read it? Not really. Shit, you could've at least done me the respect of reading the last paragraph to use it as strength while you deal with his bullshit. But no, no, you have better ideas. You'ld rather brave -30 weather to see him and have him reassure you that his cross isn't empty. I have to beg you to show me a picture of your fingers, but you go out there to give him your hand. You want his love so much. Your mom, larah, your best friend, nobody can tell you that this guy is bad news. Not the woman who suspects his scorn, the girl who has felt it, the man who wants to bandage you from it. You'd shut us all away in a dark room with your conscience to go outside and frolic with him. Why. Because he's good on paper. Whose paper?! That's a question you'll never ask yourself.
All this and the month you spent lying to me about being busy and having plans, and you don't even feel a morsel of desire to hear me out? You don't even have an inkling of understanding to how this affects me? You say all this shit that pisses me off, twice, first because you said it, second because it proves you don't think about me for a second when you're done talking to me. 'Why does he keep coming back? Taking all these blows to his ego. Why does he still say he loves me? What does he want from me?'. Blows to HIS ego? You think giving you a chain and making you tied to him emotionally is a blow to his ego? You think knowing he can show up at the hospital or your door and you'll come outside for him is a blow to his ego? And I'm sure you respond to his poetry and emails in a way that makes him not want to write another one the next day. I'm sure he's sacrificing a lot of ego, winning you back after doing everything wrong to you. I'm sure he's crying on the inside like I do after you read my words with nothing in your heart. When you tell me to stop looking at you. When you read my passionate words on whatsapp and then just go away for 30 minutes while I deal with the turmoil of thinking 'why couldn't she just say brb?' Yea, you're sure making him run the gambit. This was always your plan. Have him run through hoops, so that you can justify it to yourself when you take him back and say, "he did me wrong for a month, I did him wrong for 2 months. Fair trade. He's worth a shot."
And you wanna tell me you don't make me feel worthless? When I wasn't worth a shot in the first place? Cuz you can't see me that way, I'm like a brother to you. You know I've heard that before.
You're sleeping tonight thinking the same thing you always think when you're losing me. I better hear him out and reassure him asap so I can move on. You don't even fucking care about where I am. So why did we waste a year?