This isn't chemical

It isn't serotonin or vitamin D.  I've had plenty sun, and plenty sunrises.

This isn't because I couldn't star in the school play, or because my life has been harder than others.

This isn't because I am unable or unwilling to take the next step.

I don't know how.   I don't know how to tell each of you the words that will silence your confusion.   I don't know how to tell you what I've been meaning to say for years.

I don't know what else to say except I wish you came to me, my past.  I wish you came to me and reignited not the flame but the projector.  The slideshow of who I was to you.  Of who I was to myself.

I grow up insecure in love with my future self, fight for security and fall in love with my past self.

But again, this isn't chemical -  this isn't because I have aged or withered.

I feel this way because I want less of what I am and more of what I thought I would be.

I want, the next time you see me, to be the image of the man you know but the spit of the man only I know.

I want that meeting to be now, today, or soon.