Ambition and Love

In many of my relationships, if not all, I become consumed with the idea of what the relationship really is - what it's worth, what it will become, what it will mean for me. In a very real sense I never got to enjoy them for what they were. When they come to pass, when I can no longer will them away from destiny, when they remind me it's over, all of my heartache is around the fact that they will never be mine - I will never have a permanent claim on their heart, they will never want me as they once did, or suggested, etc. For only reasons of failed ambition do I look upon the women who kiss me and tell me they love me with absolute scorn. I forget they kiss me still, at night when I am alone they remind me I once wasn't, and comfort me with the historical impermanence of despair. Yet I rebuke the little love they gave me for the imaginary lots of love they could have given me. And while my failed romances may be poor examples to prove what I think is an important point, they remain my examples to suggest that ambition diseases love.

Even with friendships, we have a way of appointing our friends a certain way, ascribing to them ambitions of how we hope to see them, happy successful and the lot. Then we feel utter disappointment to see them led astray. Astray, from what? Rather than simply loving the lives they lead we resent the lives they aren't, ultimately meaning they are led astray from us.

But I feel my ambition for others fading, maybe because in management you have to let even your closest friends make their own career decisions. I wish Amrit the best in her career in finance because I realize I would have only selfish reasons to feel that she will want a continued career in sales. And yet I have nothing left to mentor her on, I have no job left to lead her towards, I have no further use for informal relationships - in the cave it is quiet and decision making is easy. I should love every facet of Amrit leaving my team now, and so I do, though she will be missed. My ambition for her is empty and makes room for love.

Love is timeless, not because timeless things are pretty. Love is timeless because it has no tomorrow. Tomorrow is ambition's sandbox, love is the swing-set that makes the journey to the sandbox worth bearing, though it may sway back and forth. To and fro, my life jumps between ambition and love. There's so much more to achieve and everyday I feel closer. There's no way I can stop now. Then a gentle breeze presents to me a familiar scent - a warm scent - and I am paused. I remember the sun of the morning, when love delivered its kick to my nether region, and I knew the pain was worth it just to feel her decend from the swings to embrace me. I remember feeling love when I felt I had nowhere better to go.