I see it

I see it. Carefully moved between your legs, behind the table, or tucked in beneath your sleeve, I see it. I smile to see your gesture despite the pain of seeing it. I smile only when I focus on you instead of myself, for I am not worth the effort of a smile. Maybe tomorrow or in some great future I will be worth that effort but today I conjure only frowns, like an inspired but untalented mime.

I focus on you and stop seeing tomorrow. I see the effort you make today to hide it from me and I smile. I can get so lost between deciding whether you're making a gesture or a suggestion. I wonder sometimes whether you are trying to protect my heart from stoping or whether you are trying to start my heart. Are you afraid of me dying or trying to tell me that we're still alive. One could argue that there is no difference, but as a one myself I'm simply tired of arguing with myself. So I don't ask about tomorrow. I let myself believe sometimes that tomorrow will have happiness, I let myself believe sometimes that it will not. I reflect in the fact that today you alone administer to my heart, and I concede that for the time being I have no more controyyl over tomorrow than you do.

But while I applaud your bedside manner, only recently I fear you will be making your rounds to another patient once my heart has reach the desired cardiac action potential.

While regaining consciousness by your side I gazed upon you as you quench your thirst, and rather willingly you let me see it, and I do, tucked behind nothing. It glimmers just as it did on the first day, I imagine. Tomorrow can infest today in an instant and when it does I realize there is nothing we can do to change the decisions of yesterday. Today is the sum of yesterday's choices. And yet, though I have been swallowed by the twin despairs of fate and fatality, I can still see that this truth has transitive properties, and so it follows that tomorrow is the sum of today's choices. There is still a glimmer of hope for tomorrow that has come from all this effort you put in having me only see today. Despite the mist of yesterday, I still see today in tomorrow.

Do you see it?