I think a long time ago we all decided whether or not we wanted to live life or watch it happen. It was a subconscious choice made around the time our parents or our teachers first asked us, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
What do I want to be, she says! I want to be me! I like me! I get to play soccer when it's warm out and sometimes when I come home for lunch mom makes hot dogs.
I remember the first time I got away with a lie in school was when my Grade 2 teacher asked me what I want to be when I grow up. I even planned the lie out, it couldn't fail. Too many people said they wanted to be a Cop, because Officer John had made his yearly trip to our school to remind us that he's here to protect us with his gun if necessary. Anyway, I figured I would make up a few choices, and hopefully all three of them wouldn't be taken by the time she got around to me. I can't remember the other two, I just remember being upset that Cop was no longer an option, because my dad was a Cop of sorts, so if anyone was entitled it should have been me; regardless, my spoken choice was that I wanted to be a fireman.
Yea right. Fire? I don't even like it when it's too hot out. In grade 8 I knew my parents wanted to hear something functional, something in the sciences, like my older, taller, thinner, less of a screw-up brother. By this time I was a lot better at lying about myself. I realised the best way to do that was to lie to myself. I had long-since convinced myself that I had a future in chemistry even though I only found it remotely entertaining. Better still, I was good at it, I had the first 12 elements of the Table memorised before my friends knew what an atom was.
I'll end the story there for two reasons, the first being that I've strayed from the point of writing this note in the middle of the night, and second because this is the perfect time to revisit it!
I think a lot of us just choose to do in life what entertains us. I was reading some Schopenhauer, and he said something along the lines that as humans we live for only two things. First, for survival from death (sustinance, shelter and so on) and second, survival from boredom. I was laughing when I first read it, but I wonder how many of my friends are motivated by anything other than entertainment and obligation.
Or anyone really; you ever notice that in places where there's limited options, that's where the truly inspiring Oprah'esque stories of living for a purpose are bred? And what about stress? 'Over there' as I like to put it people get upset about poverty, war, having no way out. Now I'm hearing studies show most university graduates are stressing because they have too many options, and they 'don't know what they want to do in their lives?' Sounds to me like the one kid who's sick because he hasn't had anything to eat, and the other kid who's sick because all he's ever had was candy, and now he's had his fill.
But has he learned his lesson? I'm looking for someone to tell me I'm wrong not because they feel insulted, but because I'm just wrong. Why do you do what you do? Why did you choose that and nothing else? Surely obligation or entertainment take up the lion's share of your rationale, n'est-ce pas?
Really, ask yourself. Like today maybe. I did. The first answer I gave myself was, "Well, gotta pay the bills." That's the answer you'll prob'ly give yourself for your first 3 or 4 jobs you'll work. Gotta pay the bills. Whose bills? Your own self-imposed bills. The condo you want to live in, the car you want to drive, the places you want to eat, the phone you want to carry and the contraceptives you're too embarassed to buy wholesale, these are all bills that were only thrust upon you by your own desire for comfort and convenience.
I'm not hating on self-imposed obligations, in fact in a sense I think that's the nobler of the two options, sometimes. If you've only convinced yourself that 'this is your purpose, this is what you have to do,' then I don't think you've done the world a huge service, but at least you can still do some good while you're at it.
But what about doing something just because you like it? As odd as it sounds, I think there's a world of difference between doing something because it makes you happy and doing something because you're happy doing it.
I see a lot of people settling for doing something cuz it makes them happy. I go to the movies because it makes me happy. I put whip cream in my frap because it makes me happy. All these things are entertainment. But when you're entertained, you are only watching, observing, laughing, smiling. I think that this is a problem when you're only watching, observing, and smiling through life. It goes on and on, but I won't. You know the story, I had kids because it makes me happy, we bought a dog because, do volunteer work because, and so on into the darkness.
I don't go to the movies because I'm happy doing it; because I feel like "I could do this forever!" (Semicolon or comma there? Any english majors? I'm trying to suggest that I *don't* feel I could do that forever. It's like a second because. Anyway...) I go to the movies for what it's worth, for the 2hours of enjoyment I expect from it and no more. And if that movie is unexpectedly longer than 3 hours, I'll in fact be quite displeased. But when you really love something, when it is that thing that you really want to do in life, that thing that you do because you are happy doing it, don't you wish that you could do it forever? Only then, I think, can you wholly devote yourself to something and be happy, without need of distractions, and obligations to 'keep you busy.' I think this is what the Einsteins and the Gandhis and the Woods really have that we all yearn for. This so-called purpose.
But like I said, I think a lot of us sold out early, at least those of us who complain about not knowing what they want to do in life. A lot of us may have just never thought about it. But they are all robots.
And what about me? Or rather, what of your need for me? Does the plague of entertainment stain not only life-goals but perhaps friendships as well? Could it be that I am here only for your entertainment? This is the reason I never wanted to be a comedian - despite my prowess at the science of wisecrackery - I couldn't live with that being the case. More importantly, this is why I stopped by mini-life-story just before it got to the juicy part. Were you reading along because you were entertained, or because you really wanted to see how the story would tie into my point?
The broader question I guess is, are you my friend because I make you happy, or because you're happy being my friend?
Answer me not with words. For as you can see, I already have many, too many.
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